Unchained Melancholy

Unchained Melancholy
By Gay Bear and Grimreapa

now a unstopable force of sadness is raining upon me
deep emotions of pain and being hurt,growing wildly like a tree
can this be? unwilling to to smile and be happy, not even for a second
no joy in my heart or mind, there is never any sunshine to be beckoned
just darkness like my life is full of clouds, this melancholy unchained
it runs wild through my thoughts, nothing to cross its unrestrained
wishing for a better time to come, just one day with hopes bright as the sun
allways pushed away.like a monster and i was just born to be shunned
unwanted in this mortal life and my spritual one is not doing well either
scarred from past torments,. my soul roams with out a home neither
pushed out of my body by sadness,plunged into despair
no one to talk to,no where to turn,the only thing i can do is pull out my hair
trust is limited cuz to many did me dirty.and made who i am today
paranoid of everything and everyone,wishing to put my fears at bay
but that alone seems impossible,this feeling is to unbearable
my good feelings are crushed to oblivian, and they seem unrepairable
this unchained melancholy,chaned my whole life for the worst
so i must live this way,until i die,put to rest in a hearst.

As sadness rages in the blackest places
I found myself with a lack of patience
For the stature of boldness annoys me
Unearthed by what sins I'd been avoiding
Trespassing my heart in fear of the wounds
Eyes locked on with a seer from the tomb
Cocked back and pistol ready, unable to aim
Foolish was it, I took His cradle to the grave
Words of the oak tree spoke, leaving me insane
The papal shrills burdened my lips with flame
Chances blown, ANY death was an outlet
Lower case T mounted high on the sunset
Pierced and damaged that day passed; remember
Days here are numbered, few days hath September
Be a light, gloom clouds the mind of the pure
Flash-back, the facts mean to grind the obscure
Sadness leads to death, death leads me to think
Hate brings sadness; also hate the forgotten link

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322798
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322779

wow how sad...uppin

Cool piece. I felt that Gay Bear (LOL@ your name) was better executed as far as mechanics, but Grim provided more emotional input, which in return caused both of your verses to compliment one another rather well. This was cool piece and I'm glad that there are new, potentially good writers producing in the Open Mic section. Welcome. And if you've been here for awhile, I apologize. Peace.

lol ive been here for a long time. since 03 but i just really started writing. this was a lil type up cuz he asked me to collab. but thank u for ur comments. in this thread and in my battle in SS. but uppin.

EDIT:i forgot i have only been doin topicals for like a little bit les than a year i think.

up again.

up damn this is gettin slept om bad

My bad bout the last feed, here...Okay, Grim You came pretty nice, I'm not gonna say you had the my favourite verse in this collab though but you came nice, I just didnt like your wording or your structre, you made your wording and vocab try to make it so you looked clever which i didnt like, you over did it. but you came slightly creative but also kinda predictable. The Worst-Hearst Ending I could kind of just see coming as I read, Gay Beay I did like your verse more, you had a very neat structre which was ready for me to follow and you did the vocab and wording almost perfect. you had me intrested and not being able to predict what would happen with sucha played topic. The reason I like your verse more than grim was because due to your structre and wording your flow came along alot nicer and thats what keeps me reading. Your pieces shouldve been seperate in my mind ust because your verses really didnt have anything to do with each other in my eyes, but yeah, keep up. RTF.

I think Grim's was the better part. I think that was because as I was reading Grims the style changed & made the poem different. I think both would do better seperately, or contribute more ideas thogether. Overall I thought good, but too similar for combining together.

Hey pretty cool shit, I liked how you had a nice flow with some okay multies Grim very original and your style good writing technique and you know imagery was on point nothing too amazing but you made up for it in other places...what you ask? well for one your creativity was pretty good and the diction you had was for mostly pretty intruging and very descriptive I think you very well did a great job of using complexity to your advantage on this topic as well, and for Gay Bear<--lmao...I'll say it looks as if you focused more on your structure more than anything which made it a simplistic read for me, so It was easy to tell you had a msal amount of imagery and emotion added into your peace, pretty deep but the rhyming scheme of it was bland and not too original though Grim's verse complimented yours which made it a better verse which overall made this a much better collab, so it was a good drop from Bear but because Grim's verse helped and I think if it would have been just you the peice wouldn't be deep, but I don't know if you knew huis ould compliment yours or not so I'll leave it at that...good job you two.

tks for the feed uppin.

ok.

lol my bad, I was mad drunk n tired. I redid the feed alot better.^

Lol, Gay Bear....

.... Thats all I have to say :)

good piece alot to it easy to read, that name(lol) different overall it was creative
collab was what through it off 2 styles ...keep it up

Nice piece here.
.
.
Aight firstly Grim..whilst reading your verse i noticed 1 or 2 spelling errors or word doubling..nothing major though and it never distracted me too much. Your verse was emotive, to the point and had good description on how the person felt and a snapshot of the persons life. What i didn't like was the comfort zone...your rhyming wasn't as experimental or loose and enjoyable as it could have been..parts seemed too easy for you..nothing MAJOR but i want to see some more experiments, form, topic, concepts and rythm wise, from you na mean.

GayBear..well a heralded name there lol..anyhow..your mechanincs were more polished, line lenght was precisely adjusted and this created a good flow, fluid for most parts and enjoyable. Content was good, it could have been more diverse but nonetheless i found it suitable and entertaining. Main flaw of your verse was probably the word placement at times and at times the ryhming felt regimented.

Overall

I found that both verses easily complimented each other and as a colab this was a pleasant read and shows the good potential in both of you.

Comment on my piece, "Product of Entertainment", will be appreciated
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=324240