20mg

A glass of water for her last daughter,
her princess in dress, thin red lips and sash-
her last song bird,
working down thin breaths left from laughter,
her blank face utters opaque;
the shades of color drain out
and the drain covers raise above the bowl face.
Water spills along her shoes,
the blues slip across the window sills
and fill into her room!
She starts to cry harder,
each eye martyrs another dry heart
as her arms dampen and then
her panicked eyes scar under the sky barge!
Quick breathes! Cold hands! Damp head!
Her quivering legs clammer
and her only lingering hope is withering
.. no, it's dead!
Water fills her lungs to the gill;
still crying, trying to stomach her pills!
-before she's filled.
Tears and salt water swallow her ears,
and all she can hear
are the stalls of her own hard swallows
.. and then it all slows.
Breathless below the ocean's arms
she parts peace;
pardoned by the blank harmony,
and bass of a heartbeat.

She drowns,
below the grays of sound
and the wake of anxiety,
trying to breathe..
until her hands are dammed
with another 20 milligrams.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321686
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321501

Damn.. At First I thought.. Oh Shes Drowing.. In The Sea..But When i Got To the End.. Im now Like.. Or Is It Life??..

Beautiful Depiction..Vocab (WHAT?).. Yeah Vocab..lol..

"each eye martyrs another dry heart
as her arms dampen and then
her panicked eyes scar under the sky barge!"..

I Dont Know If Anyone Else will See that..But Thats What Helped Make My First thought.. She's About to Be Dancing With Spongebob And shit At the Bottom Of the Sea..but then I Saw this:
"until her hands are dammed
with another 20 milligrams."

And thought Oh Shes fucked On Life..OR.... She Got Saved At the end??

Clever. Great Drop.. Liked It.. Didnt See anything To Down It..

great writing, i really enjoyed this. descriptive.

liked this part...
-before she's filled.
Tears and salt water swallow her ears,
and all she can hear
are the stalls of her own hard swallows
.. and then it all slows


nothing bad about this. nice piece.

damn i see you didn't go easy or light with the imagry lol damn good piece not really a fan of the structure but you seem to be doing damn good with it so it keeps me impressed, but that imagry imo stood out more then anything else, yeah it had emo and vocab and all but the imagry was highly creative for such a piece props homie damn good drop

if possible 1 of the links in my sig

A lot better. Imagery was very profound as usual, yet this was probably your most coherent, concise pieces I've read yet. You're a very fast learner. Very creative and it became even more intriguing as the story progressed. Confusing yet enlightening, I liked.

This was a really intresting read and somethng a lot differant to your otheer pieces as you said.I have to say I like the way you are trying new things out and what has me delighted is that you adapt to the style so easily especially for your 1st time writing a piece like this.Now to the piece.......the piece was filled with imagery and your creativity was sweet.The structure is just something I have to get used, like mal I am not a fan of it.Your wording was excellent also.There really is'nt much more to say.Well done and keep this writing up

-Dyl

it read to me like you tried way too hard
i can see the flow and imagry
but its more like you're writing a book
the vocab was almost too intense
you've got alot of talent and i think it'd look better if you wrote somethen more basic but real
half the people on this site probably got lost in the words by you're 5th line
i like the ending stanza the best because it stood out to me the most
you're an amazing writer
stay up

overall good read.. had me thinkin she was drownin but then my mood kinda switched ova as i was readin it... nice flow and rimes... keep writin

thanks..

really good piece, the imagery was an obvious stand out in your piece and it was done very nicely. I loved the concept, and your use of drowning imagery to describe it, it came off as a really unique piece, and though it was short and the rhyme scheme was a little hard to catch, this was a dope piece

ha i.visual imagery galore fa'SURE......... poetic to the extreme, yet containing a forward movement of flow ........liked the rhymes in lot of cases. sky barge was good...
format seemed to look quite good as well. i think it would also look good symbolic even if the verse was centre paged....
seemed to me to also have a good dose of assonance throughout which kept the piece consistant in its delivery...........
thus you excelled somewhat especially in the abjective area / usage.........

nice piece

check the one i done right here-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321884

Great piece...

I like the 2 views you wrote it from...As if she was drowning in a sea of pain...Literally and Metphorically...

Great detail and imagery...Nice scheme...Kinda catchy...Like the way you finished it...Brought it back to the reality of the piece...But a few things really stood out to me...

Water fills her lungs to the gill;
still crying, trying to stomach her pills!
-before she's filled.
Tears and salt water swallow her ears,
and all she can hear
are the stalls of her own hard swallows
.. and then it all slows.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322182

I have to disagree with some these other guys. I think you're structure is what makes some of your pieces so original, and almost... innovative in a way. I really felt this piece it was almost inspirational. Your choice of vocab bred emotion and of course the imagery was great throughout. This was an excellent piece, short (no need for it to be long) because it was really descriptive and also had no need for a story line. Good job man.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322248

Fuckin' cool, atticus... the way you've written lately I like a lot, it's closer to one of the first pieces I read by you, the one in SS about pac man and shit... it really flows well, continuously to the point that structure is just a background, really, there's no structure to follow such a continuous paced rhyme... this just kept picking up pace and picking up pace, and coming to a head at the climax of the piece with the overdose, it was just well written all in all. Nothing exciting content wise to me, or, rather, not exciting but... like... original, as you normally do, but more so the rhyme in this was well done and it made for a quick, easy read that was very satisfying. And this coming from me, you know I'm harder on you than pretty much anybody. Anyways, cool piece, I'm using this as a feed link for my own piece tonight, but I was surprised by how much I liked this piece. Cool style, stick to it.

thanks; I hit those favors.

yup I liked this peice fo' shizzle lol. but for real, it was doep as hell, and I can see you a reaping the benfits of AI already. You have become an even better writer, and if you keep this up, you'll be untouchable within a very short time lol. I liked the imagery of this peice, it was really strong, and the poetic feel made it that little bit more enticing to me, as I love poetry. The story was very good, and the twist at the end was very clever and surprising to see. I really got into this peice, I was dragged in, and forced to read, from start to finish, not once did you fall off, and not once was I even slightly bored. Nice shit dude, keep at it. Props.

it waz aight

but not dat good no dr