God's Greatest Creation

God's Greatest Creation

Let there be light, within the unkempt shadows of solitude
As God discerned a flurry of images into his polished view
Upon it too, vastly gazed creations of newfound creatures
Pristine oceans swallowed the mouths of grounded features
A world of entities to fulfill the lust of God's expectation
Had failed to satisfy the confines of his mind to admiration
His hand's creation, instilled unto him the threads of heaven
To let beings in the image of him opress and shed breath in

A brief brush of dust onto God's canvas branded mankind
The divine right of life into his children to be sanded by time
Candid but fine, we reigned with riches and sought bounties
Glorifying God's feat with deceit, a flood of sin was amounting
Our profound King, fell before the hands of his own creation
Stationed with Satan below the depths of known acquaintance
Reincarnation of his soul in us brought torment to this iniquity
Scaring the face of our father's emblem, the blood trickles deep
As our sickle reaped at beauty's feet conquering all before us
Piercing our own pictues into the corners of what we tore up
A sea short of, what was once a world of immense splendor
Is now a universe of mockery to the hands of man's inventor

Skyscrapers of flame and fury, part of the scars that we dealt
Are shards felt wthin the veins of Earth itself to resemble hell
Stagnant water reflecting embers of brushfire upon its plains
All because the desire for gain breeched beyond and decayed
We haunted this place, exposing all but ourselves to extinction
Instead of harmonzing with the voice Mother Nature singed in
Ourselves are all we're in sync with, we've erased its beauty
Like a walking disease upon the crates of earth defacing truly
Our duty, the first incision that marked the start of our species
Ceased the heartbeat of nature, bringing an end to its breathing

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=319550
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=319046

I dug this more because of its content than the flow or the metaphors (although those were also fairly solid). The topic of this really resonated with me on a higher level because it seemed like a chronicle of what is plaguing our society right now. Greed over common sense. While I'm not a religious person, your use of God and Satan to add some personification of issues to the piece was really affective. The last line was an accurate description of our world, too: "...ceased the heartbeat of nature, bringing an end to its breathing."

It was also nice how you framed the piece by beginning with the breath of life and ended it with the extinguishing of that breath.

Now, on to what you can improve. It seemed like you had clear ideas of what you wanted to say at the beginning of each line, but sometimes that goal was accomplished at the expense of the flow. It's more about how the words roll off the tongue than how they appear on the page (at least for me).
Also, you were bordering on overuse of metas (although some people would tell you this is impossible) as sometimes overdescription of minor things in the piece takes away from the larger focus. That being said, your choice of small metaphors like "skyscrapers of flame and fury" the idea of singing in harmony with nature. (Note: The past then of 'sing' is 'sang' not 'singed'...which kind of fucked up the internal rhyme in the next line because I was all the like 'singed? homie wtf is THAT.')

Overall, this was a very nice piece though, and I always like reading a kickass OM when I come back to the site after a hiatus. Kudos man, if you keep addressing real issues like this with your complex style, I'll keep reading. =)

This was straight dope. Really nice, I can see why you're in SS i had never read your stuff. Content was very good, you rhymed it very very well, this was just a great drop. Solid metaphors, solid everything, this piece had it all and you could totally set it up to a rhythm, even though this is kind of hippy, but that's cool =D. I've written quite a bit on nature on RB, so I'm with ya, especially human's place in it. Anyways, maybe I'll battle you in SS soon, I liked this so I'll be looking forward to voting your matches... peace

Engivale

Damn that was nice. I read it thoroughly twice and it was excellent man for real. The wordplay was the main thing that drew me to it. You had good meta's and multies kept the piece flowing along. The vocab was definately up to par. Also I liked how you portrayed the whole "God" thing. At first I thought it was going to be a standard Devil Vs. God thing but it wasn't, it was more than that. My favorite lines would have to be ....

Quote:

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As our sickle reaped at beauty's feet conquering all before us
Piercing our own pictues into the corners of what we tore up
A sea short of, what was once a world of immense splendor
Is now a universe of mockery to the hands of man's inventor

---

Quote:

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Our duty, the first incision that marked the start of our species
Ceased the heartbeat of nature, bringing an end to its breathing

---

There were a couple of other parts but mostly most of the lines were the best with the surrounding lines. Overall, good piece. Worth Nomination. Keep up.

Check out my piece Pay It Forward in my sig when you get a chance by the way too. Thanks.

thanks for the feed y'all, drop links i'll hit it up.

lets get some feed on this.

uppin

cmon kats. uppin for some feed.

lets go this is pretty good.

Can't argue wid anybody here. I felt this piece fa sho. Clean and basically straight up dope.

"(Skyscrapers of flame and fury, part of the scars that we dealt
Are shards felt wthin the veins of Earth itself to resemble hell
Stagnant water reflecting embers of brushfire upon its plains
All because the desire for gain breeched beyond and decayed)"-My fav lines. Dope as fuck......also,
"(A brief brush of dust onto God's canvas branded mankind
The divine right of life into his children to be sanded by time)"-Nice, no problem here.
Overall, sick drop and am looking forward to see more of ur work. keep spittin. -1- 6.25/10

thanks bud, but that rating is whack.

anotha

one more up. nominate.

Anytime someone puts that whatever out of 10 thing on their feedback I immediately know that they're stupid.

damn homie the first thing i noticed before i even read the verses was that u had a complicated rhyme skeme....the syllabuls and the complexity to ur words was great....i like the third verse the best the wordage u use about how we are destroying the earth is amazing...there were a few multis but the ones u had stook out. i seen a few typos but they wernt big enough to throw of ur flow.and u flow was good all of the words just rolled of the screen and into my brain.and the first verse the part about not living up to what god indended us to do was portrayed properly....well the verse was just great and the metas were on point to...this was just a great peice...i look forward to reading more...

rtf...

thanks. uppin this one.

thanks yo, appreciate it much! nominate if you will.

nominate!

Yo nigga honostly thought da shit waz ill but like all dees niggaz said you got ah complicated rhyme game some minds might have ah hard time comprehending like one cat said he had ta read it twice so jus remember simple but creative nigga

thanks dude. nominate!