Bloody Sunday.

They line up for war & set off they’re tour
Knowing full well the struggle they’ll have to endure
What’s in store is a pure contest of might & will
As the two prideful sides collide to fight with skill
The sight is filled with an excitement that’s real.
And the heat of the battle ignites on the field.
The front line is sealed, to block a forewarned attack
Their leader’s coordinates are about a quarter back.
He bark’s out orders & stacks his border then tracks…
His enemy’s troops before moving forward to act
On his exact signal, the men will initiate his mission
Which is to push them back & increase their position
So they wait & listen for their general’s permission
As the sun glistens off there protective armour
And the heat pushes the hot temperature farther
It becomes harder to focus on the task at hand
But they are warriors set to destroy any man
Then…
Out goes the command to deploy and defend
The general sends men wide as a decoy to pretend
Like he’s coy to them..
And instead.. commences his forces on the ground
As the front line engages and is tossed around
Hand to hand combat ensues with bruises and bumps
Scrapes and cuts bleed from the blood being pumped
Bodies are dumped.. Both sides being lumped together
Severed is the formation that was once remembered
Fronts tethered & tied now slide for protection
As the leader advances ahead with no detection...
Inside the defenses dimension and near is the goal
Which is ten yards past what the enemy holds
And behold..
Its reached as the opposition is breached and broken
On a first and goal when the offense was golden….

Another bloody Sunday in the NFL.

I liked the storytelling and narritive stance of the piece, but it felt very stop and go. The transitions from line-line were very abrupt. Rather than everything flowing into a larger piece, each line stood in a sense of solitude- despite the fact that the content of the lines were all cohesive to an overall concept. Yeah, I really enjoyed the piece contectually, but a lot of the machanics, and the format of the piece weren't really my style. Piece got you the win if I recall though, so, it's all good.

If you could,
Hollywood ft. Darfur

Thanks.

The track and overall scheme was partly a mission and the other part expected. Didn't take anyone by suprise but had a good vibe throughout the piece.
"(Hand to hand combat ensues with bruises and bumps
Scrapes and cuts bleed from the blood being pumped
Bodies are dumped.. Both sides being lumped together
Severed is the formation that was once remembered)"-nice line
also, "(The front line is sealed, to block a forewarned attack
Their leader’s coordinates are about a quarter back.
He bark’s out orders & stacks his border then tracks…
His enemy’s troops before moving forward to act)"- good technique with this one. i like ur angle dawg keep spittin. 5.75/10 -1-

this wasa nice put together man nice mix of multies , vocaba nd metaphorical usage man seriously. nice mix. your storytelling was off strong and well throug. at first it was like a midst war cry battle then later as the story unfolded in your sense of creativeness and style it unfolded gradually and very solid of fottbal and it was a creative concept and cool nah man....nice drop evolve man you have been a bit consistant lately nice~

RTF
link in the sig

This was a really good Om. At first I thought that this was like some gladiator theme or something having to do with war. The multies in this were insane & the flow was real nice all around. Then I liked how you were only writting about football. This was very original & i enjoyed reading it.

appreciated.

Whack...Football = Lame...why football my homie? you aint got shit to rap about? i would say this piece could of been better if it had a better meaning other than football and if the flow was better.. and i like football just this ...
heres one adjustment you could of made to make it flow better
some rhymes kind of suprised me at the begining then it went down hill
1.8/10

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silent.

this wasa nice put together man nice mix of multies , vocaba nd metaphorical usage man seriously. nice mix. your storytelling was off strong and well throug. at first it was like a midst war cry battle then later as the story unfolded in your sense of creativeness and style it unfolded gradually and very solid of fottbal and it was a creative concept and cool nah man....nice drop evolve man you have been a bit consistant lately nice~

RTF
link in the sig

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^^
hope you got this man..please feed it back. :angelsmil

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MuLtiPLeZ-HeRo

Whack...Football = Lame...why football my homie? you aint got shit to rap about? i would say this piece could of been better if it had a better meaning other than football and if the flow was better.. and i like football just this ...
heres one adjustment you could of made to make it flow better
some rhymes kind of suprised me at the begining then it went down hill
1.8/10

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LOLOL^^^^ ok ... WOOOW at him not understanding the piece at all...

Anyway... thanks to all who replied.

LOVIN IT FOOTBALL PIECE nice flow bud!!!

The title was unique. the flow was smooth. but it had pause and go thing like atticus stated. the story telling was really intresting, specailly "football" being the topic. Also the multies were str8, and fit perfectly with the vocabulary in this piece. good science.

peep the sig

Thanks man. Appreciated.

another good piece.. after all these years you've still got it, haha.
I'm a fan of metaphore, who isn't... but I harbor a deep respect for anyone talented enough to produce them on epic scale... which is what this was, to me at least. It could have been stronger at points, at times you could see through the wording to the to the true topic... but that didn't really take away from the piece. Good multi's and all that hooblah... Looks like you fixed that structure, haha. Good piece. Real good.

Mind hitting this up for me?
Autumnomy

Thanks man. Just hit up your piece as well.

Man I was lovin' this. You had good flow from the start and throughout you kept it constant with a fair vocab. Multies and internals nice. Meta's kept the piece interesting, fav. lines have already been quoted. =\

The end suprised me that's what I like about it mainly. And erm...Yeah, it was football, so what ? At least it's not like he's spittin' on some tired as topic. Keep up man.

And hit this up when you get a chance. I need some feed.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=317358

Thanks man. Appreciated. Just hit your piece up as well.

Hey man, think you could get to that link I dropped in my feedback? (Hollywood ft. Darfur)

Just did my man.. even though i did already in ss. Thanks for your feedback as well.

Yup

first thing that hit me bout this was all the multis. good use of metaphors. im not experienced enough to give a very in depth rating but ive commented on things i know about and i think this is good. safe

Thanks? i guess