Deja Vu: Paranormal- JFC Ft Baron

Déjà Vu: Paranormal

http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/9...titled1tr4.jpg
Baron- 1 & 3
JFC- 2

You see the light shine bright & the moon puff purple haze again
A day ends to form another morning, a scorning sun scorching
Done torching a burnt hand from a churned man you apprehend
Give a lecture on life...The other side of the knife a hidden haunting
Smitten Taunting, he foresees the same day a game played continuously
Profusely bleeding brain only further burdened with Déjà Vu’s complexity

And he says....

I wake up and sense the feeling that I’m living the same day again
this day is trapping my spirit and soul, and I’m praying that it ends
I smell the same air, hear the same bedlam, and see the same scenery
my minds working the same every day, churning like heavy machinery
As I relive it once again I get mad because I can predict my steps
But still I can’t seem to change it, I really just don’t get what’s next
Maybe I’m messing up somewhere maybe I should forget the debt
I need help to get this day ended, to get everything correct
Realizing the methodical approach clears the doubt the fog steers
Déjà Vu encompassed my mind, a state governed by Godly peers
This state of mind is riveting me, I can’t seem to get it down pact
I see a haunting figure on the screen, disbelief is how I react
I see myself on the news & they’ve been saying I’ve been missing for days
I see that scene, gruesome reality replays in my mind, a man lying in haze
A deadly realisation..Why are people dried eyed why didn’t they cry
Then I realized Déjà vu showed what the people thought after I died

And he feels...

A buried man hurried to deaths steps by an adept man who unhands
To stand and watch the blood glands of his face go bland, the man lands
On the granules of sands marking time, fleeting through their glass abode
Silhouettes of time walk in stilettos, A sublime ethos- kill & torture the soul
Make him live his death again and again, the rewind button deliberately jarred
A plight from Mr. Fright..The man marred by life and in death he was scared

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=314969

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=314969

feedback?

hmm very nice pak you came pretty good not nearly as good as usual you had some trouble here the flow was off at points and had some problem with the vocab and wording i just wasnt feeling it the emotion was good pretty much it you just didnt come very good here. JFC you out shined pak in my eyes..or it might be i just didnt get paks verse's but you came nice with the flow and wording n had a good sense of vocab...you had some good emotion in you're drop and just a very nice collab together keep up and hit the sig.

Baron 1st Verse:
Very well written structure wise...vocab was intelligently used and placed....I didnt expect anything else when i read this...

Quote:

---

Done torching a burnt hand from a churned man you apprehend
Give a lecture on life...The other side of the knife a hidden haunting
Smitten Taunting, he foresees the same day a game played continuously

---

dopest lines of this passage...

JFC 2nd Verse:
Nice imagery here...you didnt overdo your vocab too much which was okay because i could still feel the emotion in your words...could've used more multies but not neccessary all the time....good job on this...

Baron 3rd Verse:
Very nice multies...wow...nothing much to say because i was expecting to see what i saw...vocab on point...rhyme scheme...

Overall you guys put together a very good collab in my opinion...concept was somewhat original...the way you guys wrote it was intelligent...nice shyt...

pllzz rtf on hell's angel's in sig....gettin madd slept on yo...appreciate it guys

upping

Nice to see it didn't take you guys long to collab.

Ok, first off let me say that this was acutally surprising, I didn't expect JFC to come this good, maybe it's because I haven't seen his shit before, I don't know, but I was pleasently surprised. Ok, let me break this down, verse by verse.

Verse 1: Pak you did quite well here, you set the scene well, and came with some dope imagery. You didn't drop your best, but you still did well in this verse none the less. I was dragged in from the start and forced to read on, and to me, that is all that matters. There is no need for an outstanding rhyme scheme or amazing vocabulary if you have a solid and dope storyline, because the story line is what makes people interested, and you definitely made me interested, so nice job on this verse my man, you opened the peice very well.

Verse 2: As I said, I wasn't expecting it to be this good, you surprised me here my dude. It wasn't spectacular or anything like that, but you certainly showed me and everyone else, that you have a lot of potential, and you are more advanced than I previously thought. you had nice imagery, and a solid story. Your flow fell off in places, which made it quite hard to read, but it picked up again near the end. So nice shit dude, not the best ever, but definitely showed me that you are a hot prospect for the future, keep dropping.

Verse 3: Again Pak, I know you can do a lot better. And you know that I'm harder on you than most writers, but that's only because I know how fucking dope you can be if you really put your mind to it. Having said that, even when you drop below your capability, you still produce a better peice than a lot of writers on this site. So yea, you ended this peice well, and rounded the peice up perfectly for me, so nice shit dude. But you can do a lot better, and you know it. you should really sign up for SS, because it will help you get even better, and it will get you a lot more recogniton too, and you my friend definitely deserve more recognition than you currently get, and I know how frustrating that is. Nice shit dude.

dope collab guys, it was a pleasure to read. Keep at it. Peace

Yup thanks wit..the spotlight was based to be upon JFC in this na mean.

Decent drop from both, Pak i see you wasn't using your full potential like you usually do but still you came with some very good imagry and emotion, your wordchoice and usage was good as always just wasn't as good as your previous drops, but no real downfall to neither verses i was felling them both props keep it up and getcha title back so i can get in the topical tourney and take it from you lol

JFC, nice flow to your verse, shit honestly it flowed better then i thought it would i don't believe i've read one of your pieces, and it kinda took me by surpirse how well you did, nice n deep emotion, stayed with the topic and the imagry stood out through your choice of similies not too many metas but still good, your vocab wasn't orverly used either a bit basic but on a complex side ya kno, more then proud of your drop im highly impressed with your right now keep it out and you'll be more then respected minor flaws to be worked on but im sure you can handle it props to both

thanks for the feedback yall

nice peice....

pak...i think u didnt put forth full potential inm this peice but u made it your own wit ya verse hot shit u flow dropped a couple times but u came in strong and had a great come back in that shit nice to see that your able to do that your vocab was superb as usual and made it all around hot....

Dice...i didnt know u was a topical head but u made me realize it ur contribution to this shit made it dope as well one verse but u had made this peice better by being in it ur vocab could use a lil work and multies would make it better not jus ur verse but pak as well over all good read


pz

up.

This piece was well put together pak your verse was well put together pak this is not your best work mann i believe in this piece you cheated yourself mann i would perfer you always put your best down then just write sumtin to get it out of the way. the imagery wasn't all there i think it was due to the shortness on your stanza but everything else was on point as usual

JfC u had a nice verse mann it really stepped a game up from wat i thought your verse was gonna be looks like you coming out to be a converse writer not just Text also turning topical over as well this was well put to gether in your verse by the half of ur verse could of had alot more imgery then you threw in this piece overall nice verse just

hit the newest link up N my sig

I Got Chu

it was good, not a 10 or a 9 but like a 7 or 8. you had good complexity in your lines.
you could do better but overall it was good. my favorite lines were the following:

smell the same air, hear the same bedlam, and see the same scenery
my minds working the same every day, churning like heavy machinery

^^thanks

This was a good collab, very good work guys.

First of all I must say, that the flow was excellent, it was smooth and easy to follow, you brang great imagery to the table also, and your vocabulary was also good too.

The picture you also put into this piece brang the piece into more of an emotional level too, which is a really nice attribute to this piece.

Overall, this was nice, keep up the great writing. :)

RTF on "Black Roses, Red Tears"

this was nice, ya multies was hitten. did yaw get the idea from the denzal washington movie. im just askin cause i aint sure what its about and thought what ya wrote had something to do with it. i liked how yaw set it up with the beginning and then u move on to And Then He Says..... u can imagine the person saying it when he wakes up. even though hes woke i picture him in a dark bedroom sitting up consinplating. dope fam.