Tears Shade Red...(A Love Story)

Tears Shade Red...(A Love Story)




1st Verse= Forum
2nd Verse= 'Sylus'

http://tn1-5.deviantart.com/fs4/150/..._by_TanitA.jpg

“The man of my dreams waltz right in..
............While that same man break danced on out”


Another lonely day partakes within my love forsaken heart
at the edge of my bed where my loneliness is shed
squandering, the thought sets the moods loneliness to start
emotions of color feeling blue so my tears shade red
signifying my heart as if these tears said it all
treading in pity, drowning in sorrow
find myself lying in the dark crying beyond these walls
tiring with unchanged times of today's tomorrow
self-esteems consistence none I question it's existence
as the reflection off the window supports the allegations
seemingly becoming reminiscing of loves twisting positions
Believing there's someone for everyone is a falsified statement
glancing out the window chanting for when will I find love
As I seem to be lost in thought's these feelings have brought
For I am truly life's romantic movie as I find I'm love's groupie
And the final tear runs down my cheek and drops off

“3 Hours later…”

I sit patiently, pacing the breathes I’ve taken
In a reminder that his love takes my breathe away…
But in return I get nothing, fate drifts along in a sea I’ve mistaken
False statement love desecrates, like the wind that blows night and day
Monologues, I repeat quotes from love semantic presence
“O Romeo, O Romeo, were art thou Romeo”…. For I am still in search
Fascinations dig with an axle, grinding my emotions to detract my pain
Gritting my teeth in tears, O how much this quarreled pain hurts
Sundial testaments place its inheritance bold force
Breathing within my veins, purging RED mast under my skin
Tugs of fear crash and clash; Sedated left bruised in course,
Of mustering TEARS, touch ups from this very secluded artistic sin
So do I truly deserve this passionate barrier of false love
That eats away with every second left for a human being to breathe
NO!...I just take in what I can and slowly dilate with above,
Asking the lord to take me, while I sit scratching the surface underneath.

http://img1.imagetitan.com/img1/1/32...etrycollab.jpg

As I hold my tears, the closest friends I have,
I let go of you and shed tears in memoir of your hatred.
To let you go was a gift, I’ve wished for long to have had,
I've succeeded, I lay myself to rest in my bed of blood that’s sedated..

“To let it go is a goal..
…..to live happy after that…is a dream”


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=314183
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=314245

Bump!.

come on people upping this.
dont sleep on this i mean it aint the best of OM but at least feed.

it was a great piece, the texture was ecxellent.....lol

BUMP.

for feed from real writers...

Don't see why this is getting slept'd on, its a pretty good collab drop...

Forum:
your style is simple but very well used especially in this piece cuz the whole A,B,A,B rhyme scheme was used very nicely evenso more then decent, it flowed too well with it, and even when i tried to get off the flow it still flowed well so props for that, the imagry was amazing along with your emotion which i felt stood out the most in your verse

Another lonely day partakes within my love forsaken heart
at the edge of my bed where my loneliness is shed
squandering, the thought sets the moods loneliness to start
emotions of color feeling blue so my tears shade red

my favorite lines were your opener to the a story you displayed, much imagry laid there and stood out which made me continue to read on.

Sylus:
you writting bastard lol i can see you've based much of this drop on flow with some pretty good inners, you've displayed more emotion than that of imagry but wasn't really a downfall to the verse, vocabulary was beautiful cuz me well i love a good complex vocabulary especially if used right i think it brings out more in the piece and displays the imagry and emotion better ya kno yours wasn't too complex where i had to look up the meaning but still kept my interest in your words i also like the lil shakespeare reference added to it i thought it was amusing cuz i really wasn't expecting to see such a line added to your piece very unexpected but well use. well worded and well rounded drop props to both

Monologues, I repeat quotes from love semantic presence
“O Romeo, O Romeo, were art thou Romeo”…. For I am still in search

favorite line

PS: ima huge fan of Shakespeare

-Xtreme Malice

thanks man...appreciate the feed homie!.

upp!

yea this drop definitely doesnt deserve to be getting slept on...this was filled with vivid emotion...nice attention to details and the topic is very original which made me want to read more...i enjoyed both parts but the second one is what got me....the nice amount of emotion that was in it ..and you can tell that you actually thought about every line too...good stuff fellas...if u can plz rtf my OM called "Understanding the Unknown"

^^
will do man thanks man upping this people...dont sleep!..

BUMP Thankx for the feed.

Bump...............ya'll sleepN on this piece

Bump.
dont sleep on this man.

another day as feeders have slept one away

BUMP

Quote:

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Originally Posted by .......*

another day as feeders have slept one away

BUMP

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again !

people alway's choose the wrong pieces to sleep o but it waas the title it sounds predictable but anyway its was a good collab the both of you did good the look of it made me not wanna read it i like centered pieces but the rhyme scheme you guys did is hard to make as good as it was in this piece so that show good lyrical skill i liked the feel of the piece it was nice and dark both had some multis this was a nice piece next time make a less predictable name and you will get more feed people need to read this

^^
woot!.


iight.
bump.

yeaH MORE A POETIC PIECE WITH SUCH A RHYME SCHEME.......

end rhymes got a bit off putting to me to a certain extent anyway.....like cpuld of been a bit more adventurous on that tip......^

formating was tite.........fluency and wording was on point to the T............
imagery was warmed up well and became hotter towards the end in sort of build in the suspense / drama/....... internal mechanics was ace as far as i can see...........
had an eery feel to it.was entertaining still

pz

1

^^
cus the scheme wasnt

aabb homie it was ABAB man...lol
but thanks.

Awesome piece my dude. Good flow and overall good vocabulary. I liked the way this was formatted, and it helped the author visualize some of the imagery without overdoing it which is commonly the case. I liked the concept in here, which was different from many OM pieces hitting the threads. Just a good and deep piece man.

thanks exact for seeing this piece man appreciate it!

First thing i have to say is the topic is P.L.A.Y.E.D... i couldnt tell u how many times i've read a piece along the same lines as this one, so not to good on that criteria boys

Forum- All in all you had an ok verse, but im not gonna sit here and congradulate you on all the things you did well, im sure u can decide if u did good on something without me telling you did.. so i'll jus focus on your weaknesses of the piece. 1st: Your structure= All over the place, and it really effected the flow.. especailly when your writing verses in ABAB format, you wanna make sure everything is well structured and flows nicely, because it's really easy to fall off in ABAB, so practice a little more on that.. 2nd: your rhymes: This is mainly to the start of your piece then again at the end, they were too simplistic.... youse more complex words when rhyming, you displayed this in the middle of your verse, but it fell off for the rest of the time... 3rd: Metaphorical Speech: i saw almost none, and that to me was probably your weakest part...it really took from the imagry and creativeness of this piece, which, if metaphors were used, the imagry would have been phenominal.. all in all decent drop like i said.. and remember what i listed above were just the things u could use some work on, you did have very many positive points to your piece aswell.. i just dont c the point in talking bout them

Clisk- you suck...

SYKE.. lol just playing... once again im gonna point out your weaknesses in the hope of your elevation and not waste my time patting you on the back for the things you know you did right.. also i am judging you verse a bit harder than i did to forum because i kno you've been around longer and i kno what you're capable of..

1st: Structure, along with forum's, was all over the place and it really took from your flow, which i have previously stated, is way harder to achieve in an ABAB structure.. flow is an essential part to a piece in my mind because if it has no flow, it effects almost everything else. 2nd: i saw almost no attempts in multis, and i kno you've been doing poetry where the rhyming isnt that important, but when u drop in OM, it is easy to make your piece amazing with the addition of a few multis.. 3rd: improper wording was noticable a few times throughout your piece.. it made it confusing and made me think WHAT?!?! i kno u tried to do it to benefit the rhyme or the flow, but sometimes if it doesnt fit it doesnt fit and ur gonna have to scratch the idea and move on.. and there's no shame in that lol.. all in all u had a good verse though, welcome back to Open Mic.. it's been far too long.

good work u 2.. pc.

thank you sir...
and yea its nice to be back in OM WORLD!

poetic flow - i like it, suits this writing, you started of strong with a nice immagery and it held it strength thru out the second stanza aswell - wich i liked best, but some parts in my opinion are stretched; sometimes far reached.. but nothing big, the whole concept was cool and the way you worked it out was nice aswell - keep writing

one

Thankx all for the feed. agree with you cheez whiz. bump

Feed would be appreciated

this peice was sick as fuck fantastic job with it the topic was original which is always good to see very chilling and memorable as well the vocab was top notch used correctly and not to much but not to little the emotion was deep, twisted, and a little disturbing but in a good way it really helped paint the picture of the story and added to the imagery the flow of it was fine nothing special so maybe work on that a bit the rhyme scheme was interesting and kept me reading i liked how did that same kind of scheme i used in my most recent peice (havent posted it yet) it seemed sometimes you werent interested in rhyming and kinda just went with it which was fine and in my eyes didnt hurt the peice once agian fantastic job keep it up

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mc pyro.

this peice was sick as fuck fantastic job with it the topic was original which is always good to see very chilling and memorable as well the vocab was top notch used correctly and not to much but not to little the emotion was deep, twisted, and a little disturbing but in a good way it really helped paint the picture of the story and added to the imagery the flow of it was fine nothing special so maybe work on that a bit the rhyme scheme was interesting and kept me reading i liked how did that same kind of scheme i used in my most recent peice (havent posted it yet) it seemed sometimes you werent interested in rhyming and kinda just went with it which was fine and in my eyes didnt hurt the peice once agian fantastic job keep it up

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Relax lmao.

This piece was excellent, and it had its fantastic highs, and its ... "Urghh" lows.

First of all, big up to the both of you for working together in this collab. Many people construct collaborations, but dont actually take the time to focus on the word itself. It's like the saying goes, "A champion team, will always beat a team of champions"

But back to the topic at hand. You guys had great vocabulary and your structure was great. Imagery was pretty basic, and I didnt really get any ideas or pictures in my head, besides the ones that you have posted.

But never-the-less, this was a nice piece, kudos to you guys.

Looking forward to seeing more of your pieces, Peace and Cheers.

^^
well i have a ton of OM's and POEMS but yea...you will see further work from me sooner than later!.

thanks

I don't know if I'm getting why it's excellent.

I think it was a good piece, not amazing/excellent. The wording was the best part of the piece, but the story and title were really uninterestin to me...maybe too emotional and in depth for my liking. The things I did like were the pictures...cool effect...added imagery easier and I also liked the fact that you had the nice structure, but other than that, it seemd very bland and I'm sorry that I don't see it like the others.

-Mariah

nah its coo people are all held to there own opinion!.

thanks!.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mariah

I don't know if I'm getting why it's excellent.

I think it was a good piece, not amazing/excellent. The wording was the best part of the piece, but the story and title were really uninterestin to me...maybe too emotional and in depth for my liking. The things I did like were the pictures...cool effect...added imagery easier and I also liked the fact that you had the nice structure, but other than that, it seemd very bland and I'm sorry that I don't see it like the others.

-Mariah

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Its the only word I could think of and I'm too tired to think of anything else lol >,<

I liked it, man, both verses went together quite well to the point it was tough to distinguish between the two writers, which is what a good collab is all about... message was there, the lines had this awful tendency to draw themselves out, which I always hate because I'm more of a pure-rap kind of writer from a flow and rhythm standpoint, but I can get into the poetry too... work on focusing your lines a little more and cutting out some unneccesary words to make the syllable counts line up better so it reads a little better from a flow standpoint, but that's my only qualm. This was very deep, a nice take on the topic from a woman's standpoint, and I enjoyed the imagery which you guys did a good job helping with those pictures you added to help the reader capture the moment.

NIce job.

thanks man appreciated!....