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As I...
http://www.rotten-art.com/shop/image...images/4_0.jpg
A stoned heart…from a cold; untold start
Just a bold rose to hold my old body apart
I’m a true piece of gold art…
As I…
Let those tears fall; wait for that fear call
I’m a near thrall can’t see but can hear all
As I
Smear blood on the near wall…
My face isn’t fake it’s a disgrace mistake
Lay in my place awake it’s my vase I break
For Christ sakes erase this head ach…
As The
The pins in my head make me look a sitting dead
Instead people want to let the thin pain spread
Let the skin blend with the color of the red bed
So I
Enjoy the nice view out of the slice through
The holes where my eyes used to belong to
So…
This is now the monster I have just became
I’m a shame and I’m sick of my name
So now you all can enjoy me just in a frame…
The End.
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Wow...That's one fucked up picture. XD
As for the rap, it was pretty good, everthing went together nicely, good Multi's, Meta's, Imagery, ect... The Picture and the rap had correlation together, that was the main thing I liked about it.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313372
^Gimmie a bump.
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well, this is definately unique and creative, you showed a lot of emotion, i like the use of multis here, mad it for a more enjoyable read, the passion you wrote this with was quite good, and i do like the style moer than some of the standard form people go by, i like the association of the picture, this was a great read imo, keep up the good work fam
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wow this shit was crazy fam. dj... this was dope as fuck fam. ur imagery was dope as hell. i aint even gotta explain. y u already this was dope
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well the pic make me question our friendship lol but dope the way you talked showed passion and emotion and i haven't seen creativity like this in a while your head must have really been out there good multis and structure
really nice peace dj..
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About time lol...you should have been on this track. To me this is a pivotal piece..from ehre you can either become complacent and start writing like before or carry on and become a very very competent and great writer. It can go either way. You've really tryed with the multiple rhyming and the flow control has been probably your best yet. The imagery was aight but this was a more direct piece aided substancially by the image. I should've used that image for sins i regret lol...anyway overall i really think that if you carry on writing like this fro a week max it'll get you understanding the basics of flow control and from thier you can modify it your sefl to create a trademark style.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312655
^Thats sins of regret..you'll see why i was saying the image would have suited it lol...oh yeah it's a lil graphic.
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the creativity and such was all there, but the content became annoying and the overly repetetive strive for 2 syllable rhyme scheme caused the piece feel redundant rather than fluent. you had a lot of lines that i liked, but then they always seemed to be followed by another forced or awkwardly worded line - and that poor sense of diction and placement ruind the read for me overall. i liked the poetic vibe, initial direction of the piece, and the approach ... there were just a few things that ultimately overwhelmed the better aspects of the piece. i'll be curious to read your next though.
if you could...
Meaning > Life ft. Legendz
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i like this peice it was mad dope...nice imagry in it nice multis good word choice i dont know about it tho i think this would b more of a poetic peice then jus a om u know what i mean...with the whole repetitive thing but n e wyas good vocab nice structure nice emotion in this one and i really felt it... good shit keep this shit up ur way doper then b4 holla
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I hope you were talkin about the picture. If so, this was definitely a good piece. A little dark, but nothings wrong with that. I didn't understand what was meant by this line:
"Let those tears fall; wait for that fear call"
Fear call being? The call from heaven/hell, God/Satan?
Not really a bad thing, just didn't understand.
Enjoyed reading...good job.
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this was a decent peice... i felt that some of the lines were just fillers and they weren't exactly needed such as this
Lay in my place awake it’s my vase I break
For Christ sakes erase this head ach( spelled with an e)
obviously this is meaningful if not completely oblivious but its straight your vocab was mediocre... multies were ok some of it just didnt make sense... good read though ..
feed would be appreciated on my peice http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313645 thankz
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this was very good and that picture really is fucked up but it defintly provided some imagery towards the peice the topic was unique and i thought it was very interesting in a sick and twisted sort of way wording was perfect the emotion was as well shown nicely not one mistake in it maybe add some more meta's in it thats the only thing i would do to improve other than that great job keep it up
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are you new?
if you are, nicely done, if your not, still nicely done.
I think you did a decent job staying on topic with the picture, and you had pretty good flow throughout. There were a few flaws that would cost you later down the road, like deciding if you win or lose a topical battle, or if you elevate or not. The flaw was spelling. Grammer is harder to do, but spelling? All you have to do is copy and paste that shit into microsoft word. i.e. ach should have been ache. just simple shit that causes people to freak out when they read it. Dont worry though, you'll be better about it when you get more experiance. Overall you did pretty damn good for your first time if your new, if your not, keep elevating on those points I explained. pz, keep writing.
check my piece if you have time
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was good. went through nicely. was well structured. lines were great, mean lyrical content, fucked up ass muthafuckin pic but the thread was great. like the new sway
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Nice peice dude, for real. I liked it, and I think that you will get even better very soon. I can see you progressing with each peice, and technically, this peice was very good. You had a nice story, with great imagery, and your emotion was felt. I liked the short lines, because I usually go with short lines myself, so it was very nice too see imo. You keep elevating my man, and I can't believe how quickly you have picked up the skills needed to be a dope writer, you have done very well. But it doesn't end here, you need to get your own style, and refine it. Elevation never stops, EVER. Nice peice dude, keep at it.
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yo this was too short u should've made it longer cause i wanted to read some more...this concept was very creative along with the way you wrote it which kept me reading...the internals were very cool in this...made the piece flow pretty well for the most part...not much i can say but this was a good piece to read but it should've been longer in my opinion..
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tht pictures fucked...and not th gd type! lol
anyways...
the imagery in this piece is good, and strong. The rhyming is also good and ur best line for this was:
My face isn’t fake it’s a disgrace mistake
Lay in my place awake it’s my vase I break
For Christ sakes erase this head ach…
that part was jus dope. period.
This piece had an emo feel to it, and it is similar to the type of OM i was tryin to do earlia this year, but i cud neva do it this well
keep up^
Ins1
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Nice piece man. This was pretty decent, coming from you man. I liked this piece, and I liked how you overall crafted this into a nice and deep piece. A good imagery and descriptive-wise piece. This would good, compared to the other pieces you've written, I liked how you crafted this man. Good job. A little disturbing picture at the begining but it fit in all and all. Nice.
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Thanks..leave some links.
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After reading this piece I was left with a feeling of abandonment, as with child abuse, which seems to make the overall intentions of this work more effective than first thought. More melancholy and overt in its message, but then again, I sometimes like my rhymes that way. Melodic and beautiful you truly are talented as a writer.
P.S
I liked how you made usages of the word “thrall”
“I’m a near thrall can’t see but can hear all”
It’s such an arcane and beautiful word that deserves more play in today’s poetry.
