What Is America

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e1...ge/trtrwet.jpg
What Is America

What is America? A mixture poutpourri.
Man made of slaves and trade
who'd rather behave than be engraved
I am not A-merican yet my heritage
is just plain African. Yet were not alone
others are thrown far from home
confined yet condoned that their
cultures gone. Not known to youth
The truth does hurt, here where your
worse comes first, and your birth
comes last. We are the past
Diverse, and yet an unseen dream
of one KING doing impossible things
not to be mean yet it seems that
most citizens are lost with no means
only contributing. Whose to say this is
the right thing a government based on
one man with a plan to destroy another
man's land who all the time has dirt
on the other side of his hands.
That defines AMERICAN !

LILNKS
1
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312252
2
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312152

Please leave feed don't sleep..........this is my second O-M trying to see where I'm at

Though this piece was short it had lots of detail and depth....it was well written and I agree with everything you say about america...I think in part of it you were referring to Bush, idk maybe, and I totally agaree with what you was sayin about him..imagery and word choice in my book is a ten..keep writin...check out my OM's as well thanks :)

Thanks for the feed and yep i was refering to bush...Good eye on catching that.

this shit honestly was crazy its contains crazy line i like and fuck america
k-i-d

Feed appreciated ...................................BUMP

y0 DiZ WaS iLl Bruh KeEp Up

I liked this piece alot, it was full of feel and had great imagery. Though it was more of a poetic slur than rap, I still find it good. Keep up. Check out 'The Legend of the Madman'.

Dope drop man....some sick lines....props g

thankx for the feed appreciate it.

nice...i was feelin this...even though i aint from america lmao...the pic was good that you added...at first it was pretty boring...then i started to read through and im like ok this is pretty good and so i read some more and i found it to be a real good drop...flow was nice and stayed up didnt fall much...strutre was cool easy to read not many strecthed lines...vocab was nice a bit on the simple side but thats alright...pretty emotional as i could feel it...this was real nice..check the sig...keep up.

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Originally Posted by Forum

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again

Another wgreat played topic...I think I like this FORUM kid. This piece is filled with emotion and the short wording structure makes it flow well as you read. The multi usage in this piece was crazy especially at the end. This aside from chaind minds is the second best piece you've did so far nope cause your in 5hoursemen it makes it the third ....lol..nice shit fam keep it ^

This piece was ok. Complaints: It rambled too much. Not in the sense that it went from topic to topic, but in the sense that you never stopped for long enough for your reader to make sense of what you were saying. It also was overly detailed - too many adjectives in some parts, but too little story-telling. Take for example, "Yet were not alone others are thrown far from home yet condoned that their cultures gone." I don't even understand what that sentence means. To condone something means to approve of it -- either you are using the wrong definition of "condone", or are using the wrong part of speech (you might mean "they condone that their culture is gone). I don't know. Little details like those are immensely important though. Anyway, yeah way too much rambling, to the point where I couldn't discern what you were actually trying to say. No hate, you have a fairly good vocabulary, and the idea for the piece was good. You also have a unique style. just work on it.

BUMP

Feeble summed my thoughts exactly

This was ok, but didnt have any punch, didnt expand on your topic or go into any depth
It skimmed the surface without breaking any new ground

Rhyme scheme was ok for like 3 lines then went awol in parts, but besides that the writing fell apart based on the lack of originality and vision to pull the dorp off with such a heavy title as 'what is america'
Wasn't wack but try to work on focuses your maerial, then shit will happen!

PS if you got a minute please drop a reply to 'In the palm of your hand'

-Out-

Thankx for the feed

^^^^I disagree even though it does seem to me that this topic is done over and over and over...u still found a way to make yours sway in a different direction...this was a good short read and i liked how u wrote it...had a few moments where i couldnt quite catch the flow but those are minor setbacks...overall this piece wasnt too bad but it could've been a bit better....lookin forward for more pieces...

Thankx Ill.............................BUMP