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Hit & Run
This is the first shit i have wrote with full attenion on it so if it super sucks bear wit me
The setting set for disaster, 28th of december and its snowing, the roads are ice.
The driver just 18 turning the curb not knowing, hes driving a path to ruin a life.
Stereo..blasting, he was unable to hear the scream, he drove away startled the tears in his eyes gleamed.
Back at the scene,.. The news reported hit and run, The little boy only 4 and his parents only son.
What was once a happy home turned into a place of mourning and grief, Doctors say its a slim chance at life but they are beyond bieleif.
If you could only see the splatted blood frozen now, his body mangled, His parents would hardley speak thier hearts heavy and thoarts strangled.
Meanwhile the driver tryes to get himself untangled.
He sold his car and when his parents questioned why, The best awnser he could make up was it's too much of a risk to drive.
the answer left his parents stunned he had wanted a car since he was 3, And whe n it was bought his face told a tale of glee, but nobody..
knew of the pain it caused everytime he thought about it it brought asudden tightness to his jaws.
It was 30 days after the hit and The child had passed, and once the driver heard the child had died, the pain was too much to hide, he wrote this solomn note and commited suicide.
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Oh shit lol....emotive i have to say and i liked the flow...for the structure the flow should have been terrible but wasn't..my main advise would be to shorten your lines a lil by replacing words by other words or metaphors as it would make your piece more affective.
Furthermore, i reckon you should sort out the basic layout to by keeping a better font, maybe use an image ..basically do make-up on the content. Not as bad as i though it'll be i actually liked it, nice easy read. Stay up and keep striving to get better...prefection comes through practice.
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damn thank i wasn't expecting that from you
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uping # 2 please feedback
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The strucutre was off wack and did make me not want to read it, but i read through, and the flow really made up for the strucutre, it was a good read, pretty deep emotialy, i havent seen to many topics like this, thats extra points, you had alot of creativity, that defintly showed, The complaxity wasnt really there but diddent bother me much, the vocab could have been more wider, maybe more complex words..Stay up
also, if u got time, hit up my battles in my sig with honest votes...Thx man
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Dam that was an boaring ass tittle but you worked with it and made it somthing outta nothing even thought your wording and structure was a bit off. I enjoyed reading it because yoou stayeed on topic i really didv't expect for it to end like that witch made it an good read but keep writting and i remember somthing about your struture problem in help desk>tutorials it should really help
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Felt is was a good post had a good story behind it
the struc was ugly tho I wonder how it would flow
N.e ways we are here to work so make it better.
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structure was off....u had great emotion in this....if ur structure would have been better it would make the flow look alot better but ur flow wasn't all that messed up....i feel that ur vocab could be stronger but i guess with the vocab that u used that it wasn't that bad...overall good job and keep writin and fix that structure next time u do another OM peace
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Ok my friend I think you should really work on that structure of yours.It looks very sloppy and readers hate to read it.Your emotion was good but you could have done that little bit more.Creativity could have been better.I felt as if you could have gpne differant place with this but it kept goin in the same direction.Good job anyway bro.This is the 1st piece I have read from you,and hopefully next time I read one of your pieces I will see a huge improvment
-Dyl
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Ah..
The structure was pretty odd, made it harder to read.
try shortening your lines, it'll help make the piece more readable.
This wasn't a terrible attempt for a beginner, but it is a really played topic.
You're vocab was a little lackluster, and your metaphors weren't great.
The flow was decent, but nothing amazing.
The development was choppy, it sort of skipped from place to place.
I see potential, practice makes better.
just keep dropping and you'll get the hang of it.
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Thanks 4 all the feed guys yeah i really screwed up this structure i wrote the whole thing doing scholl in 2nd period cause i hate that bitch lol but thanks yall i didn't think you would say anything good about it
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deep shit i like the way u drop it story nica man
keep rappin fo real
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not a bad piece at all . . . . .flow was dope . . . structure was iffy but other touched on that . . . . i felt that maybe if you used more multis it would make the piece more enjoyable . . . . story and concept was pretty cool, maybe add some metaphors in there to get a more descriptive tone, other than that . . . . shizzle the nizzle, pizzle
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thanks for the feed, even though you obviously didnt read mine.
the structure and flow was horrible, just utterly disguisting in a bad way. i could flow better in second grade. shorten your lines and try to match syllables, also try rapping or saying it out loud to improve on this.
however, you made up for it with deep emotion. the vocabulary was not bad. this would have been DOPE if you didnt fuck up so much on the flow. but overrall i really liked it. do the things i said and you could have the potential to be a big name on here.
check out my new piece, "crossed the line"
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To say it was yo first it was already.Shit I post somthing I wrote niggaz said it was straight garbage. It was alright to me
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thanks for all the feed and Junio i am sorry if it sounds like i didn't read it but i did i would never try to do that i respect these OM's too much
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Wow. Other than the Obv.~ structure problem that wasn't even that bad, I'd have to say I liked it more than I'd expect I would. It was an excellent piece and I found to have not that much problem reading because of the good imagery. Good piece, keep up. Check 'The Legend of the Madman' if you can.
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though the structure was off. the eomtion made up for that. the imagery was crazy like i could envision every moment as I read through it. This is one of the better unstructured drops i've seen from you...Good Shit. keep at it.
