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Loose Change
Loose change: A story of Faith
http://www.moederdegans.be/Sara/Imag...rit-dancer.jpg
'Belief can set you free'
‘What you choose to call hell, we call home’
A single heart beat is a gelid reminder of life
The knife splits the stone, sparks ignite the night
With amber light, tell me, can you do the Samba right?
Famine, blight, and all plagues, cast out of site
Tonight we rejoice, let the Gods hear our voice
Sacrifice your lives, your wives, and your boys
We are one as a tribe, and the white man’s bribe
We’re annoyed
These beasts mock our civilisation, our lifestyle
As I load my pistol, patient, with a bright smile
Hatred burns, with the passion of a thousand fires
My soul is alight, my conscience has expired
Nothing but animals, dancing around their shacks with joy
Prancing up and down, on that innocent shackled boy
They cast a tumour in my humour, adding to my despise
These bags under my eyes, can’t disguise my surprise
But we’ve got guys on our side, that will fight with their life
Only one of our squadrons will suffice, these demons die tonight
A blinding light, disturbs our glorious parade
We draw our weapons, and dart to our warrior’s aid
Before we can see it, we’re stuck in a cross fire
We fall on our knees, and solely depend on our ‘flyers’
The men in the trees, that can blend in with leafs
They swing like trapeze, and help when we’re in need
One, two, three, these soldiers are dropping like flies
They will not survive, the Gods are on our side
I grip my weapon, a custom built Smith & Wesson
And squeeze to teach this filth a lesson
‘where are they sir? Are they gone? They’ve disappeared’
‘I don’t know, but be sure to keep your pistol near’
These words are barely muttered as they crash down
A flash of brown, but not a struggle, not a sound
We have been beaten, my soul is retreating, it’s leaving
I weep a song of sorrow, as I’m kicked and beaten
‘have you any last words, before you’re left to die in this hole?’
Yes, can you spare loose change, for a homeless soul?’
Faith is our greatest weapon
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This is a cool little piece, but I don't understand exactly what the hell is going on in your head here when you wrote it. Your descriptions of the attackers and what you're doing in response are very vague... And I'm not sure how you ended up in the hole at the end, really, that happened in like two lines. It was worded very carefully, which I give props to, you executed your rhyme scheme very well. Some of it was simple and some was more complex, which helped lend to the beat of it, which would kinda flow for a bit and then STOP, and then pick back up, at least to me.
Enjoyable, but like I said, a little vague, it's like reading one of those poems where you liked what you read but couldn't possibly tell anyone what the hell you just read. Maybe it's because I'm high.
...or maybe not high enough?
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I thought the storyline was clear enough. Anyway thanks for the feed.
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You're just gonna sleep, after all the feed I left?
bitches :mad:
:love:
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I wish I could write like this. I actually liked it because it told a clear story. A lot of the times when I read OM's I don't get a clear picture of the story the person is telling what you told it very well. I think everything flowed nicely going from one transition to another.
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Thanks for the feed, and yea I try to be as clear as possible. I want to communicate, not complicate.
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rite my man its like this since i last peeped your shit
youved elavated like whoa, i can see youre tying abit to hard
tho thats the balance that makes you DOPE, na mean
dont get me wrong the piece was real nice but try and
air out yor bars for instance dont ove rforce your multies
by putting them in when uneaded and dont think that you gotta
use al these fancy words all the time......not saying tha you dont use
them but you get me your coming alond nicely remeber when i met
you ona yhoo chat site and baught you here lol this is why
coo man.....`
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Thanks mate, it's really appreciated
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yeah this piece was goody. imagery was on. wording was mostly on but a bit uhm? offish in a few places which jolted the flow a little i woould go into it which lines n w/e but dont have time now......... had sum illy ill multie here n theere n every where so that kept me entertained as the multies also formed to make sense which is the key for real. and storyline mos def had its depth /////////
a few things seemed tired or played like the whole smiff west ish and few over basic rhymes vocab was good but got repetitive in a few places which put the likes of me off a bit... plus the form went off a bit in that 2nd verse. so cud b crafted a bit better i guess........ keep working on tightening the flow and vocab and wording< same thing as such. . dont get me wrong u had sum strong and ill shit going on in parts. shit was major drama--
These beasts mock our civilisation, our lifestyle
As I load my pistol, patient, with a bright smile
Hatred burns, with the passion of a thousand fires
My soul is alight, my conscience has expired
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Nice dude, this was kinda a random theme for you though. I dunno how to explain it, you seem to go to this one theme of writing.. then another. Eh.
You know what nevermind. Anyway, I liked it alot, great imagery whenever I read anything by you, keep that up, it gets me more interested in what I'm reading. I like the end with the "faith is our greatest weapon" and the last line altogether was my favorite.. lol. sorry if this is pretty bad feed. later
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Thanks for the feed my man
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Ha, the end was cool, i actually didnt see that comming, the rhyme scheme was also pretty good. The story seemed good, the imagery was there, but at the same time was a little vague. your rhyme scheme wasn't top notch, but you had some internals that made it seem a lot better than it actually was. There were no extra lines, there were just enough, but it seemed like you could've gone into depth more. know what i mean. anyway, tight piece. hit up "Tabula Rasa : The Parachute" pz's
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Really nice piece here my friend.You had some really nice imagery and emotion in this piece.You had a good little storyline here which you displayed very well.I feel that your lines were a tad bit streched.You should of shortened them a small bit.Your wording was very nice in places and it just shows to me how you have elevated.You are maturing day by day and thinking of new wonderful things to write.If you went back a year you would laugh and now you are a very skilled writer who is respected by all.You have written better than this,but that doesn't mean its a bad piece.Every piece you write is good and your pieces are always a plesure to read.Keep it up as i'm sure you will ;)
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ah, this was nice piece - probally the strongest, and my favorite piece i've read from you. everything was just very well put together. the concept/storyline was very strong, and i really didn't ever feel any gaps or inconsistancies in the story. it had a strongly poetic vibe about it, which, i of course could appreciate and love. the into was nice aswell. the only thing i didn't like, is that at times i felt like the piece was smothered with comas and punctuation so the flow became stop and go alot ... so the fluency of the content itself started to slow dramatically and at times i felt the piece start to drag. aside from that though, i liked this. nice job man.
