Art Of War.

http://images.google.com/images?q=tb...richthofen.com
Men get ready today is the day
This is why you all have stayed
No pay, as they line up one by one
Its 6 am just seen the rise of the sun
No one ever said that war was fun
Once you get drafted no where to run
They get in there places
Not many happy faces
As they prepare for what’s in store
Men get on the field and get ready for war
I don’t want to do this again
As one man said…all our of life’s could go to end
But we have no friends…just hatred here
No matter what we are fighting for show no fear
That is why we here and after it’s all said and done
Our family and country will admire what we won
A story to tell to your son...good luck on the field
You don’t get a shield…and not even a meal
Until it’s over with…there will be scares bruises
Lots of memories and what ever faith chooses
We will lose men…it’s just a fact
But once this war is done…we will never go back
Remember you’ll see lots of blood and gore
But that my men, that’s just the thing, called art of war.

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http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...21#post5175521
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=311115

yeah title is bit bleh. i mean its cooked n ish.....

more of a poem drop no doubt......... so the form was smooth and gave an artistic touch..... the rhymes diddnt strike me as nothing too great. gun rhymes with sun and fun and bun etc etc. so theres room to elevate on the rhyme section indeed somewhat helped by expanding the vocabulary to a more artistic height ...........
hm neede a lil more spice and imagey to it. a bit more of a picture painted within the words......... and maybe more viewpoints

pz1

i like this joint so keep it up kid

Yeh i liked this lil piece...It was a lil short but catchy...it wasnt really an OM but something you'd drop in PS....however, Your rhymescheme was aiight and i thought it flowed nicely this allowed it to read easily...Your imagery was aiight when you had it....and your precision was good also....Think you could have added more to it but this was a good piece overall. Stay up.

this piece flowed nice Dj and had some nice lines mann you did your damn thing on this piece you rhynme scheme was ok decent it flowed perfect thought so i guess it fit wit how you were describing your piece decent imagery could of been better describe on some lines bra but hell you'll get better at that as you prosgress i guess also the piece was sort of short you could of expanded your imagination and wrote alil more but chea nice piece i enjoyed the read bra

also keep the ink spillin whether your writing art of staining in blots

Faovite lines

They get in there places
Not many happy faces
As they prepare for what’s in store
Men get on the field and get ready for war
I don’t want to do this again
As one man said…all our of life’s could go to end
But we have no friends…just hatred here
No matter what we are fighting for show no fear
That is why we here and after it’s all said and done
Our family and country will admire what we won

please feed on Broken Halo

This was pretty decent, I enjoy the way you write because you use so many simple terms which I think are more effective at telling a story than a lot of the unneccesarily jargoned terminology a lot of the more poetic writers on this site use. You stayed on topic and kept it simple and it came out pretty nice. I guess the topic wasn't really very meaningful, and the flow could definitely use some work, there were a lot of choppy parts through this, but despite that I enjoyed it.

I just think it needs more work so far as the flow of your words go together, the beginning you were very effective at this.

Quote:

---

Men get ready today is the day
This is why you all have stayed
No pay, as they line up one by one
Its 6 am just seen the rise of the sun

---

Then, it gets more choppy.

Quote:

---

No one ever said that war was fun
Once you get drafted no where to run
They get in there places
Not many happy faces
As they prepare for what’s in store
Men get on the field and get ready for war

---

Just read those two out loud, slowly and not to any predetermined beat you've established for this, and I just want you to notice how much better the syllable counts and word choices sync up together in the first four lines compared to the next six. Hope I've helped in some small way.

Stay up,

Engivale

Thanks.

i dont know man, I read it and theres really not much to say, it was your typical rhyme piece, cept it wasnt as good as the ones Im used to seeing, I mean, the flow was toooo short, very little sylables in each lines, for me to feel this it'd have to be for a audio or something and I'd have to hear you spit it, cause on paper this really doesnt look like much, sorry man. but yea, keep dropping, i've seen better from you in the past, seems like you may have been going for something different here.

Thanks.

pretty simple!!

Fuck you.
leave feed or fuck off.

fuck the haters fam, nice shit, this part right here was the climax.

Quote:

---

I don’t want to do this again
As one man said…all our of life’s could go to end
But we have no friends…just hatred here
No matter what we are fighting for show no fear
That is why we here and after it’s all said and done
Our family and country will admire what we won

---

u killed that part, cause thats real shit right there dawg, all i gotta say is keep it up fam, nice work.

I like this. It said a lot, but it was simple, not overly complex for the situation. When you're taking the character of something, like you appeared to be doing, it's important to have an authentic voice, and this definitely worked. I like it.

(I'm new here, as you can probably see, first post.)

this peice was ok. i found that you had simple rgymes throughout the peice that couldve made the peice a lot better if they had been more complex. I think you had a good vision throughout the peice and it wasnt bad. U had some nice parts in your peice but the parts around them leave room for elevation