The Long Journey Home

The Long Journey Home

http://are.berkeley.edu/courses/EEP1...ctures/sky.jpg

I walk upon a path of shadows,where only the trees whisper,
Every step darkening the day,as my strangled feet blister,
As my brown pleeted boots strip layers of skin off my withered feet,
I walk towards the golden sun,any minute sinking to sleep,
The birds voices faded as the razorlight moon arrives on shift,
Floating onto their clouded beds,away from all their problems,
And the subtle wind sweeping them away with one uplifting drift,
Away to a land of dreams and happiness,up onto a higher volume,
The long path ahead seemed endless,drifting into the horrizon,
Facing my directon was the black sky and the moons broad smile,
I watched him pull his pale body upwards,continuessly rising,
And along I went on my tiring journey through the mysterious wild,

The Leaves rustle,the wind blows,
The trees chant,the moon glows,
My feet are cut,my mouth is dry,
As I walk beneth this starstruck sky,

My weary body falls every now and then,smushing beautiful pettles,
And falling into countless ditches,where I met the stinging of nettles,
I look hard for that stoney path,which delivers me to my kingdom,
Where the blazing fire awaits me in my warm,comfortable lounge,
But I walk beneath the rushing rain,bouncing off my jacket like a drum,
And my legs sink knee height,into the sludge beneath the muffled ground,
Making each step a battle,loosening my boots under a dark puddle of mud,
And pebbles enter the casket,hurting my soles with every painful trudge,
After the long fought battle,I step foot onto what I have eagerly awaited,
As I was being tossed side to side by these winds that were unabated,
But the war is over,the battle has been won and I will now suit my desire
With my glass of brandy,and hibernate peacfully in front of my blazing fire,


.The fire blazes,there I sleep
My lifeless body lies in a heap,
I will awake with the morning sun,
To carry on my long working run

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...40#post5162240
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...61#post5162261

uppin for feed

uppin come on people :)

honestly man, I lost interest several times while I was reading it. I mean when I read an OpenMic on RB, it ussually has a rhyme scheme that makes it flow. You had several lines that didnt rhyme with one above it, therefor causing me to lose interest.

Yo i just re read and realized somthing. peep game
This part of your verse was fucked up..& i found out why i lost interest while reading it.

The birds voices faded as the razorlight moon arrives on shift,
Floating onto their clouded beds,away from all their problems,
on shift doesnt rhyme with problems, the bar was confusing
And the subtle wind sweeping them away with one uplifting drift,
Away to a land of dreams and happiness,up onto a higher volume,
uplifting drift doesnt rhyme with volume, also confusing
The long path ahead seemed endless,drifting into the horrizon,
Facing my directon was the black sky and the moons broad smile,
same thing with this bar
I watched him pull his pale body upwards,continuessly rising,
And along I went on my tiring journey through the mysterious wild,
this one too

BUT LOOK, maybe you did this on purpose for some reason. the lines were mis-matched. It shouldve been writin like this. peep game

The birds voices faded as the razorlight moon arrives on shift,
And the subtle wind sweeping them away with one uplifting drift,
Floating onto their clouded beds,away from all their problems,
Away to a land of dreams and happiness,up onto a higher volume,
The long path ahead seemed endless,drifting into the horrizon,
I watched him pull his pale body upwards,continuessly rising,
Facing my directon was the black sky and the moons broad smile,
And along I went on my tiring journey through the mysterious wild,

yo, you did the same thing with this part too

I look hard for that stoney path,which delivers me to my kingdom,
Where the blazing fire awaits me in my warm,comfortable lounge,
But I walk beneath the rushing rain,bouncing off my jacket like a drum,
And my legs sink knee height,into the sludge beneath the muffled ground,

it should go like this

I look hard for that stoney path,which delivers me to my kingdom,
But I walk beneath the rushing rain,bouncing off my jacket like a drum,
Where the blazing fire awaits me in my warm,comfortable lounge,
And my legs sink knee height,into the sludge beneath the muffled ground,

Overall, i just didnt like the topic. the peice had no real meaning in my opinion. it was basically just something you wrote. it had no message or twist or anything that really caught my attention. and the mis-matched lines irratated me and made me lose focus while i was reading. Write about somthin more interesting next time.

peace

Okay my friend you obviously did noy get the rhyme scheme in this.This was battle drop and I did not intend it to be HoF,but you obviosly did not understand the rhymescheme i this.To be honest it didn't take a genious to figure out what I was writing about.

ITS called a differant RC.I really do think you are an idiot.

okay man
-disregard anything i said. it rhymed perfect, and was a dopealicious awsome peice!!

VoTE/LeGenDZ

^Nope thats just being imature.The reason i'm laughing at you because you got everything wrong.Check the battle that I used this in and see what people said.Then you might understand.This is def aint Hof...not even close,this was a quick script so grow up and learn a bit about writing :)

-your right dude

im immature, and i dont know anything about writing. sorry man. it wont happen again

This was a pretty good piece, from what I have seen. I liked the descriptive and imagery work at hand here, and it was a pretty basic topic to write from, so some of the low points were explained. All in all, this was a pretty nice piece man, alright, coming from you but it was just average. Not really anything special, but nevertheless nice.

One.

Yeah I know man.Thanks for feed :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Exact

This was a pretty good piece, from what I have seen. I liked the descriptive and imagery work at hand here, and it was a pretty basic topic to write from, so some of the low points were explained. All in all, this was a pretty nice piece man, alright, coming from you but it was just average. Not really anything special, but nevertheless nice.

One.

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i agree..this was a very nice peiece..nice vocab and flow..good mutleis and mettas....pretty good shit...
if was well constructed and very creative....nice shit homie



return the feed in my om

"Above the Mountains There"

yeah ill drop feed soon

i reckon that it was a very good piece. The solitude soul is something that i've been wanting to write about and this piece along with the viusals put on a good atmosphere vibe.Your lines at points were streched but that is something you can work on. Your piece was well organised and is showing postive signs of development though there is the one or 2 line that irks me but nothing major. Also, i saw signs of very good imagery in parts but the metaphorical value of this whole piece could have been higher. Overall, it was good, so Stay up^.

alri dyl looken gd rymes well
i like the : The Leaves rustle,the wind blows,
The trees chant,the moon glows,
My feet are cut,my mouth is dry,
As I walk beneth this starstruck sky
and : The fire blazes,there I sleep
My lifeless body lies in a heap,
I will awake with the morning sun,
To carry on my long working run

This was a decent read like everybody else is saying. I liked your descriptions and what not but there is something about your writing that I'm gonna' go ahead and point out. One of my pet peeves is when people frequently switch up tenses for no apparently rhyme or reason. Here's an example of what I mean:

Quote:

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The birds voices faded as the razorlight moon arrives on shift,

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If the birds voices are faded, then then moon should have arrived, not arrives. Maybe it seems inconsequential, but I were voting in whatever battle you used this in, it's something I'd hold against you, albeit not too much. But yeah, have a look because you did it often. A lot of people tend to do that, but you'll notice that the reeeeally good writers don't. Just something to keep in mind that most people wouldn't bother pointing out.