Mechanical Pencil feat. clisk

1st verse clisk
2nd verse grimreapa

*Click Click*

My day begins with that sudden sound
Feelings start pouring in its own tears of expression
i wipe my eye's from the morning synus
i stretch, to put at ease the bone marrows that rest
everyday is a new day, so i write of a view
the sun hugs my curtains like the ink to the page
not in anger nor happiness, it writes itself
the pen clicks it way through like a virus looking for food.

*Click Click*

Scars of perpetual help, pulsating conversation
in words of a thought not to mention all in all created tension
carpel tunel is injected, ejected is feelings
the writings write of emotions jarred in a bottle for the ocean.
causally i try to stay afloat with tears
released like a 9mm...to cause damage is it's own mission
I sleep to the sound, tappings of a gentle say
This way is used to tell people how i feel in my own worse case

*click click*

as the lead slowly ejects from the tip of my pencil
it transforms to be a great and all powerful utencial
thoughts continuesly travel from my mind to my hand
man,gets points across,no cares how it my come out bland
theres no stoppin,gun as a brain&intreaging lyrics are poppin
day to night,dark to light,i write,pay no attention to the clock-n
bars that are fresh with ideas,everything from deaths to love
my lines seal the deal like the devils contract,signed in blood

*click click*

is the sound i like cuz concepts are forgotten,but lyrics are forever
sketched on paper,stained,havin the abitlity to be read when ever
there sweet,eatable to the eyes,some so movin that many cry
influencial to some they say,say that these words made many die
but thats how powerful the mark you created just may become
fun,when letters form so much,but also so little to some
disrgarded,thought to be and equivelent to trash,but also as treasure
so much better,if its spoken oh so clever,my pencil bring so much pleasure

*click click*
the sound i hear everyday...


links
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308620
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308250

upping this....

dont sleep on this!

hmm...pretty good drop...yall gonna make hof soon if u keep droppin this hot...but i dunno ....clisk your verse was nice i aint got good wit poems but your verse fit in this drop very nicely...grim your verse is what made this for seeing i aint all into poems...flow was nice stayed up for most part....multies were a bit weak..couldve improved there....strutre was nice...a couple lines were off but thats alright..a very creative drop...i dont read much like this...i think that in a month or so..hof is gonna have ur name on it...good job keep up homies...

thanks for the feed.. appreciate it much!...

up0

pu in your sig those blues eye's ft. clisk and your homie name

im not sure what his name is gonna be....ill just put his nickname...

WOW...
thanks for everyone SLEEPING ON THIS!.

I have a problem with the first part being so damned poetic and never getting to any rhyme scheme... I just can't get down to that on a collab, that doesn't translate to audio at all... and I know, this isn't audio, I'm just saying though that when I read other peoples' work I am trying to sing along and find your flow... and it was, quite simply nonexistent.

now, had this continued and been a poetic piece, this may have been received a bit differently on my end. But, the next guy came with it and rhymed, and I thought it was pretty decent towards the end because he started to use a few internal rhyme schemes. Also, the message is a little lost on me here, I just keep reading about "tears" and "gunshots" and I'm not exactly sure what the hell you two are talking about, really, and even if any of it is drawn from true experience. Just seems like its forced.

Sorry if you guys are in love with this and expected good feedback, maybe it is just me here, I just didn't enjoy this as much as most of the other work I've seen from you two. That's my opinion and I'm happy to give it.

ok...it was about writing thats it...the power of the pencil...the effect of verses...but tks...for ur feed :)

up0

I thought it was a pretty good written peice.. Stayed on topic tryed to get your points across in different ways.. Im more of a med' artist myself so I'd say it may of caught some more attention if you through a good punch here and there..

Like "getting my point across".. you can easy relate that to the movement of a pen or whatnot which would get me more into it

Though it aint my style I felt it.. I understand it.. kinda reminded me of a few styles ive seen before.. keep writting ya shit and Im down for a collabo anytime :angelsmil


ps: The smallest mistakes get some people of flow
"no cares how it my come out bland"

tks ups

up for more feed....dont sleep on this

:( up again

Major flaws in this Om right here, so bad that I just had to force myself to finsh the read. Wrod usage was questionable and just so many errors, it's like you guys didn't do any proof reading here. That would be minor if everything is fired on all cylenders, but that is not the case IMO. Good concept that kind of fizzled out in the end, nothing real positive for me to point out here, so Im going to have to poit out the negatives. You diction was off, your imagery was weak and your emotion never came through due to all the errors. Awkward in feel, and I thought for sure this would be a solid drop by you guys. Well, I thought that after I read grim talking about no one is peeping this in someone elses thread. Well, I could have read and moved on, but I decided that you guys need some help here. First off, pleae proof read your work, next try to incorperate language that not only fits the scheme, but also the toen of the peice. This jsut had to many places in which I thought, ouch, poor word chioce. The rhyme scheme was not strong enough to hold this ppeice up on it;s own. I would head back to the drawing board and re think this drop. Liek I said, great concept, jsut not executed well. No hate, just being compelty honest here.

yea i feel ya bounce...it was just a little 4 or 5 minute key for both of us...it just i wanna know my leval there...im not really gonna write till i get in SS so i can go in there really underrated and suprise everyone...expecially u since when i get in there im battlin u...:mad:...lol...well thanks for the feed bounce ;) good lookin out...fix wordplay and skeme...got cha...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by GrimReapa

yea i feel ya bounce...it was just a little 4 or 5 minute key for both of us...it just i wanna know my leval there...im not really gonna write till i get in SS so i can go in there really underrated and suprise everyone...expecially u since when i get in there im battlin u...:mad:...lol...well thanks for the feed bounce ;) good lookin out...fix wordplay and skeme...got cha...

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That is the wrong thing to do man. You will not make SS if I don't think you have what it takes, so instead of not writing til then, you should be doing all you could to impress us. Why even post soemthing if you are goign to turn aroudn and say "it's just a little 4 or 5 minute key"? Don't waste our time if that is the case, more so don;t complain about not having people feed in other threads. I'm telling you, if you want to be in SS, you should strive for perfection, no one is going to hit that mark, but doesn;t hurt to strive for it. Kind of cocky talking about you want to battle me, when I have never put up such a display in all my countless drops here. I really like you man, so donl;t ruin that by being just liek the rest of the pack. Don;t post unless you put soemthing into the verse, that is my advice.


Oh and go into SS with nothing other than the commitment to writting at your best. Don't go in focused on the win or seeing me in the league, that will just corrupt you. Put the art first and all else comes easy.

thanks bounce love your feed cus its str8 and blunt..thanks...appreciate it!.

No problem man, want to see you guys drop to your full potential, that is all. I'm expecting your next drop to be better planned and overal outshine this one here.

If there is anythign I can help with, just get at me. If anything needs to be further explained or pointed out, I'm here..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bounce

No problem man, want to see you guys drop to your full potential, that is all. I'm expecting your next drop to be better planned and overal outshine this one here.

If there is anythign I can help with, just get at me. If anything needs to be further explained or pointed out, I'm here..

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Everything I have written on this site was rushed and not well planned = (

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bounce

You diction was off.

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wut is diction?

lmfao definition^^..lame..

well yea bounce if so..maybe we could next time send you are verse and just tell us the flaw dont fix it just tell use the flaw and WE WILL tune it up....koo?..

thanks again for the honest feed.

bounce to battle u isnt the only reason...its one, but its all part of a big plan to improve,goin against the best heads will help me improve,and to me u are the best so gettin ur feed and battling you will help me elevate...im not gonna go into the league sayin ima battle u in lose,(which will prob happen) ima say ima win cuz attitude is almost everything...and from now on i will still not do my best but i will take the time and effort to write,i dont want everyone to know my full potential just yet...and u better accept me into the league :mad:...j/p...like ive said i enjoy chattin with u just talking to u helps me elevate...so tks ;)

^^
we will do a part to to this shit and i will go topical on it....we will take our time aswell and make it BETTER!.

now grim feed on my looking at you OM

clisk lets do a om right now...? a new one not this one again...pm me with some ideas for topics...ok :) and didnt i already feed on that one...