Last Fight

I took her for granted knowing she wants me
Told her I loved her always and she agreed
The best thing I ever could have is her love
Having her was the one thing im proud of
But I pushed it to far
Having my homies watch every move she does
Never thought I would lose her to that cause
Telling my friends bout how I was gonna break it off
But once I heard her voice…not much I could do I got soft
I can’t lie I really do love her…no matter who says what
Screw up every time I talk and that’s why my mouth stays shut
Last night we had a fight but this time I said what I had to say
She said dj this is your last chance…not a time to play
I get to spend time with other guys…or you change
And then you get to keep me in exchange…
My mind was made…she is my forever to keep
For once…on the phone our conversion got deep
I can’t go to sleep…Sabrina’s always on my mind
The greatest anyone could find. The reason why im not signed
But I still must say…Sabrina im sorry for last night
Let me jus hold you tight...and make this our last fight

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308591
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308179

upp...

omg upp...

ok its not a bad piece.. you need to put more internals, it makes the piece flow much better. Sometimes vocabulary isnt needed, but for a piece like this, you kind of need that little extra to make it stand out. Besides those two things, it was a good read. But like I said, it seems just a little to basic, and not many people want to read basic things. Keep it up. Good write.

like if always said i really dont like the inconsitantsy with ur structure...but u say that that is ur style...

My mind was made…she is my forever to keep
For once…on the phone our conversion got deep

^ i like that bar u could really feel the emotion in that bar...but i really didnt like how u portaraed the topic...and didnt like the ending...it really wasent that exciting...so meh...up ur vocab,u use to many little words...if u need to ghet a thesauras and find words that mean the same thing...so just up that vocab thats ur biggest error....

ok RTF

Okay, so your last piece kept me coming back for more, sooooo. . . I thought I'd check this one it. It was a mediocre notch piece. Everything flowed nicely, but it just didn't seem to have much substance to it. You had the emotion, and the deep ethic of the piece, but that was it. Not much descriptive wording at work here, and there was no complexity whatsoever. I think this piece was rushed, and I felt you could;ve done better, but it was alright overall.

1.

This piece was aight but I think you could have done better with the topic.I felt that you had rushed this piece a lil bit but it still had came out pretty good.It had a lil bit of emotion in it but I think you could have came stronger with your emotion.But the Imagry in this piece was good cuz you could picture what was going on in this piece.The vocabulary was aight you just need to up it a lil bit.And try to use some multis every once in a while cuz it will make the piece stand out more.But overall this was an aight piece to read.Just upp your vocabulary and put more emotion in your next piece and it will turn out better.

this piece had a nice feel to it
the emotion was there but u need 2 try and make it a bit harder
th rhyming was gd, as was the flow and structure
th topic was similar to alot i have seen lately, but u seem 2 do this topic well
emotion is definitely one of ur strong points
keep up but try 2 vary ur topics slightly lol

not a bad piece imo. the topic is a little overplayed but thats gonna happen when your writin about love. just read the dictionary or somethin to get your vocabulary to a higher level all of the words pretty much were really simple that any joe would of thought to use. but still im not gonna trash it to much cause i can relate to it alot. good work and just keep workin on your shit.

thanks for all the feed and on the tips that some of you have givin...remember im down for a collab at any time jus get at me if u wanna get down for one.

upp...for the last time..

this was an okay piece i have seen the concept before but then again you did it in a nice way so thats really a plus there liked your word choice everything fit and flowed maybe could of used a bit iternals to make it fow that much better of the tongue but overal an okay piece dude stay up and keep writing

This was a good piece i thought that you did okay in this. the story was good and everything but the flow of the piece wasn't great. I think that could have been better. Also some words seemed not to fit in the piece or something'. I don't know why but i liked only parts of this. Keep on writing and return the favour on my upcoming piece.

Thanks.

upp.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Seti

This was a good piece i thought that you did okay in this. the story was good and everything but the flow of the piece wasn't great. I think that could have been better. Also some words seemed not to fit in the piece or something'. I don't know why but i liked only parts of this. Keep on writing and return the favour on my upcoming piece.

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Wouldn't mind some words either:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309053

upp...

The concept is not new at all, but it still wasn't a bad piece.
I really enjoyed this line.

Quote:

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I can’t lie I really do love her…no matter who says what
Screw up every time I talk and that’s why my mouth stays shut

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IDk why but that bar seemed really cool to me.
Anyways, your flows pretty good.. not perfect but really decent.
Your structure is ok, but i never pick on structure since mine
is always shit.. as long as you read it that's cool.

Good work.

Don't let people tell you shit about your structure bruh, trust me. Most have no fucken clue and think the asthetics have something to do with the mechanics. WRONG. If your peices are mechanically sound, no matter the asthetic structure, they are mechanicaaly sound. Structure is only an issue, when it is related to rhymes scheme, line count and syllabols per line. Too many kinds here are oblivous to that. If you have a set or poetic meter in your peice, your strucutre is the metter, and NOT the way your verse is displayed. Lines do not have to match, long lines and short lines can still have a balenced syllable count, so that is a non issue. You have improved from the first few reads I seen of yours, so good job on that. You do nto have to have a square looking drop, to have good strucutre, all you have to do is have a solid grasp on the mechanics.

SO if your lines looked like this...

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as opposed to this

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all that maaters is that your lines have fluid transition, balanced count, and solid word choice.

Most of the time kids who write in block tyoe strucutre fuck up the mechanics of the peice and throw off the meter and shit can not be spit to a beat.


I have worked out a strucutre that I like to use, but it has ntohng to do with the peice, it's jsut the way I like to have my line set when I go to record the verse. It helps me with my delivery and timing. So, please take note and do not let the kids around here led you astray.

thanks bounce...that was the best feed i have read lol.

upp.

i liked the peice, but will have to say that the complexity and wordplay was lacking... emotion was good which is nice to have but you need to grab the attention the reader... also the flow was off at points would also work on this as it would help the reader keep interested in the verse from start to finish.. still liked the read feeling was there but just step up the rest of the content.

keep elevating homie

I'm feeling this one a bit from the standpoint of being in love with somebody. Although it got a little misconstrued when you were mentioning your homies, the main topic eventually came back out which is ya girl. It had emotion, but with a piece like this one, u need those exact words to bring the emotion out entirely. So, up the vocab a bit. But overall, a good piece, G. Mak

dang u got everybody checkin ur om out...but nobodys checkin out mines and clisk's...:( u got tim bounce erbody...

uppers.

upp.