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Looking At You
Looking At You
"Pain is just a phase or a virtue destined to happen"
Patiently i sit...while thoughts run wild
As the cows jump over the fences of dreamless files.
Lips moving in existance of a speech unknown
Not one single word heard of the one you dearly hold close.
A rhytmatic combustion if internal emotions
Frozen....my heart sits still, slowly waiting while it's decomposing.
Medic...please save me from such a pain
I lay slain, pulse without a wrist...thoughts without a brain.
Lame,the pale moonlight sheraids in a cirlce
Movement becomes convoluted, face changes color to purple.
Deep deep breathe, inhaled a scent of betray
she slowly walked away, not caring to take one more glance of dismay.
Another shadow taps along her sultran side
Helplessly i abide with a conclusion...this is our goodbye
So farewell to the dwellings of the feelings inside
Farewell to the relationship we faked in guessing each others life
Bonjour, adios, esta gupa'.....til we meet again
not in a kind spirit will we talk nor will we be forever agian friends.
Layed attached with the scene of avengance
corrupted sences, crushed and helpless, no support just Neglectness.
My eye's close slowly, my vision not only a blur but dark
I died with a trickle of tears descending, you left i fell apart.
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Woah. Ended up reading this two and a half times before I even replied. This cut pretty deep, I'm right on with you in the emotion you're feeling when you wrote this, and what you're trying to say.
That feeling of losing someone so completely - but doing it, suffering the moment, and living to tell about it, basically. Because I think the suicide thing comes into mind at some point and is a real possibility for just a second, and you have to dismiss that from somewhere deep inside where you know this isn't it. This piece was so damned good man, straight fucking ill, and not only did the imagery come through, the flow was really good, too, at the end it got a little bit less structured and you kind of freestyled to the end, which was cool.
Nice read. Stay up, man.
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thanks........uping this.
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Yo i liked the structure of it .the piece read well and I could visualize tis as it's read. Vocabulary is impressive , not too simple or complicated. keep it up.
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Nice job here bud. Losing someone is so hard and I know it to be true. Like Engivale said, suicide comes into the mind at some point and I think by the end of our lives everyone will have at least thought about it once. Dope topic really, deep and heart felt. The emotion was obviously there and it really kept me interested and helpied in following the story. The vocabulary used could've been better, but that's the least of your worries to me. You understand the way to write an OM, but somehow, I find something missing and I can't quite pinpoint it, but it seems to really do with your simple style (aabb). I know for a fact that it's hard to switch styles, I am so used to abab it's ridiculous, but I think you really did a great job here nonetheless. Keep at it bud!
-Educated (hit Speaking Silence in my sig)
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thanks for the feed guys upping this and i will hit the links given to me thank you.
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This was ok, some spelling and grammatical errors. I thought some of your lines were a bit stretched, and your syllable count was all over making the read choppy...the line
"I lay slain, wrists without a pulse...thoughts without a brain." bugged me, i think you should have either switched 'wrists' with 'pulse' or 'thoughts' with 'brain'...this is mainly because it helps the coherentness...i dunno if thats the right word, but think of it this way. The wrists are a thing that the pulse is inside, and the brain is a thing that the thoughts are inside, so you should put them in the same order, either wrists/brain first before pulse/thoughts or vice verse. Sorry if that doesnt make sense.
I thought your rhyming was very simplistic, and would have liked to see you be a little more creative with your rhyme scheme, either by adding more internals, or else by using multi-syllable rhyming words. Imagery could have been better also.
Your strongest poing was your emotion which i felt would have been even better if you changed your wordchoice and paid attention to things like syllable count, metas, and rhyming like i stated above.
Keep at it man, your an up and comming writer, keep improving
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Clisk you never hit my link..well now hit my link Live Your Dreams in my sig
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thanks laureate and EDUCATED I DID FOOL!...lmfao..anyway's yea i will now.
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Solid. Overall Piece: 8.6/10
Know what you are/went going through.
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well my drop was out of respect that death touched alot of ppl lol...but anyways on to your om....i really do like this drop...and i`m sure alot of ppl can even relate to it...flow was nice...it went well with the lay out...multies were there though kinda weak as there wasnt as many as i would like to see...strutre was nice and basic...which didnt exactly turn me off from reading...you kept it short which is good cause not many ppl wanna read 40 lines of a basic topic...this was pretty creative you did a good drop out of a played topic...i was feelin this keep up homie...
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thank you very much.....we will collab SOON!
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Medic...please save me from such a pain
I lay slain, pulse without a wrist...thoughts without a brain.
Lame,the pale moonlight sheraids in a cirlce
Movement becomes convoluted, face changes color to purple.
Deep deep breathe, inhaled a scent of betray
she slowly walked away, not caring to take one more glance of dismay
those are my fav lines...it was a good peice, i think that some of ur vocab seemed forced doe...but ur vocab was really good...ur shit flowed well but the forced shit slowed it down,..
corrupted sences, crushed and helpless, no support just Neglectness.
like that it seems u tryed a little to hard for the multi...ur structure was a bit sloopy to...but the imagary acpects were good and the deepness was fine...good om :)
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wow loosing someone is always hard...exspecially to get over...because theres no coming back, very strong emotion in this which to me is the most important without emotion the reader can't relate to the piece, the imagery was pretty decent, afew spelling errors but nothing major, and not at all a played concept, this was a really solid drop keep at it holmes
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thank you thank you my dude!.
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Bonjour, adios, esta gupa'.....til we meet again
not in a kind spirit will we talk nor will we be forever agian friends.
Layed attached with the scene of avengance
corrupted sences, crushed and helpless, no support just Neglectness.
My eye's close slowly, my vision not only a blur but dark
I died with a trickle of tears descending, you left i fell apart.
these were my favorite lines, good OM clisk, this some good shit yo....u had nice internals and vocab. everything was fit and wording was pretty good yo. u were creative and ur imagery was good man. keep working at this...
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thank you thank you there will be a part 2.
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Impressive flow and vocab to say the very latest man, a well thought of topic that got the drop on 90% of the open mics I've read on this site.
its always good to see peices with a poetry vibe too it, good enjoyable read right here and I'd recommend this O.M to anybody who enjoys readin them. good job dog, keep it poppin..
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thanks dude....stay active and popping!...
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So farewell to the dwellings of the feelings inside
Farewell to the relationship we faked in guessing each others life
The bar above stuck out to me the most, it seems that you took an everyday situation and made it something more. You had a few spelling errors, but eh, those are always correctable. This OM sparks mental paint, on the real, I enjoyed reading it, short but sweet.
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ok, so the whole storyline was pretty much predictable all the way down, it seemed kind've like i knew what would happen really. i couldn't get too into it because of rereading shit so much. you had grammatical errors a lot in the beginning and middle of the piece. and at the end you had the word ..Neglectness? i don't think that's a word. lol, anyways.. i really reccommend doing your shit on a word processor (microsoft word) so that you can catch your mistakes. like the way you word shit here, the word betray should've said betrayal. you do good with your storylines most of the time, you're pretty original, but the wording just kills you. i suggest not worrying TOO much about multies but fit them in as well as possible, without ruining your wording. just be patient and dont rush things, which is what this piece felt like, rushed. you've done better to be quite honest, but this piece and its feedback will help you to progress and get better. keep dropping man ..
- Nash
thanks for the feed ..it was appreciated.
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thanks cry much appreciated.
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Hrmm... I liked certain pieces of this... At times it seemed kind of convoluted and distorted though. Certain parts were out of chronological order.. (That whole, pulse without a wrist, thoughts without a brain... That was in referance to being a spirit right?) Your wording was off quite a bit too...
The good stuff. You have a knack for putting your feelings onto the page.. I like that. And some of your metaphores were pretty kickin. I love metaphore, and if they had pussies.. I would fuck them missionary position style. Keep working on those, they're definately crowd pleasers.
Last of all... Don't give this to the girl you wrote it about, lol..
Peace.
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thanks man.....lol at the meta part!.....yea i love to put my emotino on the paper with metaphors.
appreciate your time given to me for feed.
thanks!
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A nice peice,
I felt the wording was nice. The flow was smooth and all. The creativty was pretty well done. Structre was nice. The story was a great addition to this peice. Made it very nice and you've did some great detailing. The Imagenary left pictures running in my head. I liked this peice man. Keep writing.
~Blind.
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thanks for the feed people!..appreciate it deeply!
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Very deep, based on a true story maybe?
Emotion was filled in each line beginning to end, good rhymescheme, alright vocbulary, but I can see you really tryed to focus this piece, to get an emotional meaning across and you did, I've seen this topic a lot, but you made it better than I've seen before, you really portayed a picture for the reader to understand your piece better, it flowed close to perfect, lines weren't too short/long, really ended strong, good opener, got your point across fast, and followed it.
I really liked this piece, it was deep, and talented, it was a good piece, and a great read. I look forward to reading more from you.
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thank you appreciate it and yes true story there is a second part to is called
looking at you: Sole Alone
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this isnt bad,
i had issues with the flow at times, it seemed a little choppy - some of the word choice through me off (ie: dismay) yeah it kinda fits, but i think it was mostly chosen because it rhymed with betray and away. it was a good attempt at a multi, and i wont even try to say im any better but i could tell it was a little forced. (which every writer goes through at times.)
overall, you could elevate,
but cant we all.
-f.falling
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^^
thank you seeing as i take everyone opinions to better the next piece.
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very dope piece. i can definitely relate.
Another shadow taps along her sultran side
Helplessly i abide with a conclusion...this is our goodbye
So farewell to the dwellings of the feelings inside
Farewell to the relationship we faked in guessing each others life
Bonjour, adios, esta gupa'.....til we meet again
not in a kind spirit will we talk nor will we be forever agian friends.
Layed attached with the scene of avengance
corrupted sences, crushed and helpless, no support just Neglectness.
My eye's close slowly, my vision not only a blur but dark
I died with a trickle of tears descending, you left i fell apart.
^^^ very dope.
the vocab was to a good extent. not over-used. i dont know what else to say. keep postin. ill keep hittin em up.
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dope true story i like pieces like this that come from the heart and really mean something the idea and concept was there i just thing the flow fell of in some places made it bounce around a little but other then that it was a good read
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thank you thank you....BUMP!.
