You'll Never Know ft. ta2_tears

Me-husband
ta2-wife

You'll Never Know

Good morning dear! I wonder how you are today
I wrote you this note, you were to pretty to wake
Baby I love you, I'll be soon, plan it surredly
...Because tonight's to us...and our anniversary
So my day was planned and I went off to my work
Love was in the air, but it seemed as everyone knew
I made it a day of no stress, so I'd have time for her
Headed out earlier, even ealier than I had planned to
The time had come, I turned the key to enter my home
Not knowing what life changing circumstances were there
I pushed harshly and called out her name, nobody shown
I walked in to find my wife's body at the slump of the stairs
I've been blessed for years, nothing harsh burdens
My life is great, but at what price should it be so?
I had no idea what to expect, my heats hurting
My worst fears now realized in what I'd been shown
Body quaking as my heart paces and begins racing
Your pale face grows colder as the seconds go by
Emotional struggles shrouded me, I can't explain it
I never planned that day to also be our good-bye
As the water parts within my heart, I am torn
from my body, as the Angels lift my spirits high,
though the clouds of grief cast a raging storm.
Please Lord, please allow him to hear my cries.
My teary eyes in these cheery skies gazed
as your internal vase tumbled and shattered
and the passionate candle was set ablaze
as your battered and tattered heart scattered,
flattered with hope of a dream. The harsh reality
is painful with such a nightmare on our anniversary.
I scream for you, but the boundaries of mortality
block my words. I'm blessed with this cursory.
As the nursery rhymes recite in my stomach
my mind eclipses with a sudden lunar thought
thus forcing my grief to continuously plummet.
Oh Lord, oh why hadn't I told him like I sooner sought?
.
As a foot is jammed, my tummy stretches and grows
though it pains me you cannot share my joy.
Because, darling, there is one thing you'll never know
.................................It's a boy

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=307882
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=307882

we both fed on it ^

hm, ta i liked your rhyme scheme, its not very used here in open mic, and you might have brought it to life... i think your word usage and emotion was the strongest part in the piece here.. you were able to weave a good closing statement as well.. you also wroked in some pretty nice fuckin inners.... lets see what ed got

educated - surredly... did you spell something wrong there? lol.. anyways, you had some nice multies and inners, kept the flow going, and it was good you wove right into ta;s bit, it made the sttyles mesh very very well. you also had the rhyme scheme ta had... which meshed togethter even better, a good story as well, both of you show greatpotential... good job cats, keep it up

I brought a rhymescheme to life :coolio:

lol thanks for the feed soulstice...

alright.

Educated- I thought you did a very good job of portraying a loving husband, I could really feel the emotion in your verse, from start to finish, it had good vocabulary, and rhymes, you flowed consistently, every line was worded well, and put together and finished better than I expected, you kept a steady pace, no lines really jumped out at me as great, but no lines dropped below the standard you set for yourself, very good job, it was a good read.

ta2- Like Soul said great rhymescheme, that was one of the main things that stood out to me in your verse, you did a fabulous job at describing what was going on first-hand, it was better than I would've thought, the emotion really came out at me, it all flowed very well, vocab was good, rhymes were great, you really ended strong, with your last part, it was my favorite part in the whole verse...good job...good read.

You two really worked together well on this piece, both of you had solid pieces, your styles collided but not in a bad way, good job guys.

alright thanks ~Clee~ reppin PS... and i'll leave feed on ur OM with Grim when it's done.

dont like the structure...cant really tell where one verse starts and one verse ends...the italic dont really work...and idk why that one line is bolded it messes me up...the emotion and feeling was good it was real deep, i like the vocab and everything...the multi syllable words were good...yall are really doin it good for PS...rhymeskeme was good everything was ice but the structure...well keep reppin PS bois

good shit

~1~

alright.. Educated u heard the man.. change it :mad:
LoL i love being demanding

thanks Grim.

no don't tell me to change shit....it will kill it....it flows together better...he's just an idiot!

hmm i dont care for it but im not fussy about structure newayz so w/e u want.

hmm....nice drop...my only problem with it was the fact that i had a hard time with who was who...but after reading it a couple of times i figured it out...flowed well...multies were there and iight from both of you...you both stayed on topic and made it go very well together...strutre was nice i dunno wtf these ppl are bitchin bout lol...anyways yea hit my drop both of you thanks.

see i must not b the only idiot...dj said the same thing...and ta2 dont like it neiter...

He then said he didn't know what you were talking and ta2 didn't care

:thefinger STFU it my opinion...lol...:love:

i jst dont like how its just 1 big long verse...

I don't much see a problem with the structure, the mood change and change of voice is quite evident in my eyes. Anyway, the start gave a goo character recognition, as i could picture the man in an office or some workplace such as that. Furthermore, i could feel the confused greif however, i found some words awkard in educateds verse that made the read a bit less impactfull as it could have been.The bolding part was clever, but you shouldn't have added the speech marks as it looks like your characters saying it instead of writing it, nothing major htough in negativity as i liked your overall verse. Ta2 you used imagery more and were much more into description. That i liked, i like to see intense parts of description and your verse had them. though how idd the woman die i still don't understand, was it a a problem with the baby, i remember you discussing this and the only thing i can get from it is she probably had a heart attack or soomething. Your inners helped your flow a lot as well and your rhymescheme used carried your verse a long. I reckon that your getting better with every verse i'v read. Good work now go and right a long solo piece lol.
Overall, i liked both parts and they meshed in well as a whole, so i believe that this fulfilled the neccesity of being a colabboration. Stay up^

lol i dont c a solo piece coming for a while :rolleyes: cuz im just so popular, that people always wanna collab, i always have like 3 on the go.. but i'll write u a solo piece pak :D remember, cuz i havent forgot.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cheez Whiz

lol i dont c a solo piece coming for a while :rolleyes: cuz im just so popular, that people always wanna collab, i always have like 3 on the go.. but i'll write u a solo piece pak :D remember, cuz i havent forgot.

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lol....Thanks for reminding me....i need tro write something as well....but i just can't be asked...anyway....This was a good piece like i said.

uppin this dammit.,..cmon I know at least 2 people need to feed here....for I did theirs....thank you and keep it coming

I like the ABAB rhyme scheme, I'm so used to seeing AABB. Educated, you had a steady flow throughout and oriented the storyline well. Would have liked to see more rhyming within lines, though. Ta2, you had awesome ABAB multi rhyming and good use of internals and imagery. The ending really continued on seamlessly from Educated's verse, this was a nice team effort that worked well indeed.

lol another collab with Ta2, and yea it was a very interestign read, I could really feel your imagery, and both verses complimented each other very nicely. I liked the ABAB strucutre, in my personal expereince, it is very hard to pull off, and can ruin the flow of a peice completely. But you pulled this off with apparent ease, which I envy because that is one thing i have never learned to master in topical writing. The storyline was spot on, you never realyl fell off anywhere in this peice, which made it a very pleasent read. I was really loving Ta2's internals, you did a great job trhere my friend, props on that. and props to Educated as well for putting out a very good peice, you both dropped very well, and this is a dope collab. Sorry it took me so long to return the favour, I was very busy yesterday. Nice job, keep at it.

Everyone is pointing out what they liked, so to give you feed you can actual use, heres the negatives

Educated....first 2 lines were bad, I think they should have been bolded because they seem like they should be part of the note...the abab rhyme scheme didn't work well for you because in your 4 lines of abab, the first line ended like a sentence, If that doesnt make sense, read ta2's verse and see how the first line in the abab structure always flowed into the second. When you read it like this without a pause, the abab rhyme scheme is used to it's fullest. your verse had ok emotion but nothing above average...and this is a piece that screams emotion, there was almost no imagery...and your vocab was low, no internals really either

ta2....you had some good internal rhyming, although it was still simplistic...emotion was nice, but like Educated, there was really no imagery...vocab was above average but nothing great...

I'm confused with the story...was his pregnant wife murdered? or did she kill herself? How did she know it was a boy? Did God tell her in heaven? Cuz if she was far enough along to get an ultra sound, wouldn't the husband have noticed? Or is it that he knew she was pregnant, but just didn't know the sex of the baby...and if that's the case...why is it so important she tell him...Or am I completely off...
Anyways, unlike everyone else, i thought your pieces did not flow well together at all...but I can let that slide seeing as it is two different people...

keep dropping

Thanks alot to every1 who left feed.. laur thanks for the constructive critisizm, that's wut i really look for in my feeds... the whole story line was, she had known for a week that she was pregnant, and was waiting for their anniversary to tell her husband the news... then she took a tumble down the stairs and died.. so she was unable to let him know. but thanks again for the feed everybody..