The 7 Sins: Envy

The Seven Sins: Envy

http://img97.imageshack.us/img97/8545/envyactiveer7.jpg

Grim Reaper as…Mr Elliot Envy, Verse2
Pakaveli, as narrator, Verse 1 & 3

“Here is the spiteful baron...”

The envious man covers his envious eyes
Unknown to the crowd that flocks to greet
He envies the boundlessness of the skies
He spites the quality of the butcher’s meat
Fair maiden’s paintings are bought by many
Yet he deforms the beauty of the masterpiece
Irrelevant at the cost of his 10 golden guineas
He laughs at the deformity that plagues his niece

“Baron Elliot, what's your thoughts”

Oh how I love the better things in life, like shiny rings
Glistening, fancy robes, but all I have are tattered things
Some have diamonds and jewels, but I have none
I would do everything and anything to grasp just some
Gold & silver platters, candle holders that shine bright
I want them, but get nothing, hated with all there might
Family heirlooms, acquired artefacts want them all
I’ll kill to get them, no matter who has to fall
I don’t care about the cost, I want it all for me
I have this hunger for gold that I need to feed

“Envy breeds Death”

Mr. Envy ran along & paid some renowned killers
To raze his neighbours house and kidnap his wife
But they got distracted by Elliot’s exquisite wine fillers
The killers looked greedily & Elliot’s envy cost his life

http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/1...iotenvysn7.jpg
RIP Baron Elliot Envy
May you enjoy your best GREEN coat.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306821
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306246

haha this shit was nice too...i liked the subject and how the tale went...this shit should b a nursery rhyme...this would b the best seller no doubt...but yeah this shit is mad hott...but cuz how short it is...i dont know if it would make it into HOF...but the concept gets a perfect as well as the word choice and structure...but the length wont beat out alot of nominations...with length this could be a contender as welll...this shit put me back in skool wit the rhyme scheme LOL...

Thanks your comments are appreciated.

This was dope,

I liked the wordplay and the creativty.
The imagenary was incredible and the structre was dope.
I really liked how the flow wa almost perfect.
The stories was magnificent. Keep up the good work.
Over all 9-10. Enjoyed the read. Thankyou.

thanks for the comments.

Stay up before i go.

like the last piece this was great also it was the same kinda style as the last one but still unigue in its style so good job with that...alot of creativity gone into this and...Your vocabulary was great no problems there and your wordplay was top notch...your precision was good things in the right places i remember this same thing on the last one...The flow in this was great it was easy to read nice and flowing helps and thats what you got...Rhymecheme was good also it rhymed very well and the use of pics was good again...Look forward to the other 5 think it is sins...Good job keep up.

Appreciate that, but everyone do remember that Grimreapa wrote the 2nd verse.

^^^

yeah nice overdose of nicely scripted and aculptured poetry with added rap n word ploys. ill add - lib sum feed later when i read better

1

nobodys metioning my verse...:(

Alright i'll mention your verse...Everything was fine man...Vocabulary, Wordplay, Emotion, Precision, Rhymescheme...lol so feel better because oyu did a good job. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by GrimReapa

nobodys metioning my verse...:(

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The mentionin whole thing toegether which = we did good lol :2thumb:

This ain't as good as a couple of the others in your sig, and i don't think anyone would buy it if it were a single. But great everthing to put it simple, scheme wordplay lyrics plot everthing. Could have thrown in a metaphor doe, peace.

Great.

Pak- As always you had a wonderful participation in a colab, I really liked both of your parts, sweet and simple, good rhymescheme, good use of vocabulary, you really as a narrator projected a good image for the reader, emotion was fluent, flow was consistent throughout the piece...

Mr. Envy ran along & paid some renowned killers
To raze his neighbours house and kidnap his wife
But they got distracted by Elliot’s exquisite wine fillers
The killers looked greedily & Elliot’s envy cost his life

Your best part, strong way to end a well put om, props. man I look forward to reading the rest of the sins.

Grim- I felt you didn't do as good as Pak in portraying an image of your part, your rhymescheme was good, vocabulary was alright, you were only off flow one or two lines, your verse was steady, didn't pick up anywhere, you did end strong though, so I'll give you that, there really was no favorite part in your verse for me, it was a stable verse that just kept the same pace...Overall I thought your part was pretty good, keep it up.

Good collab guys, your styles worked together well, Envy was portrayed here, it was a good read, keep it up guys.



If either of you could return the favor, thanks.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...64#post4958264

Thanks Clee and wU i never wrote this for a single.

yeah this was even titer . i mean i'm mixed up what was 1st n what not right now ha. but yeah flow on this was constant firing. some rhymes in i think the 3rd verse got a bit basic cudda been more adventurous w/ that. and also rhyme scheme was worked well w/ the rythym but could be more elevated on still i reckon. till you sort of get lost in the rhyme scheme , let it go wild n buck like fuck ya nah mean. poetry was ojn point still so im just talking bout adding more audio type visual effect and exitement to the rhymes still, yeah you mos def add interest to otherwise unheard of subjects

pz1