The 7 Sins: Pride

The 7 Sins: Pride

http://www.sinwear.co.uk/images/Sin-...0-x-600_08.jpg

“Meet My Pride, Darlings…”

The man proud at the sterling silver crest he wore
The golden doorknob represented his riches galore
East to the west shore he had fucked many a whore
Tore down veils disguising riches he needed no more
Looked down upon lesser being polluting his lairs air
Fare maidens ashamed danced in arms for a fair share

“Hello Mr. Jennings”

“May I say I need none of you services you sell standing
I already own discreet butlers to clean anything that fell
On this precise landing but my lawn has started Blanding
Oh hell, get an appointment then you can clean my shelf
I couldn’t care less about the Harvard certified degree
AS even my cook comes from the oxford pedigree breed
See you are worthless in comparison, a “there not nearly”
Take a penny, feeding the poor is my day’s first good deed”

“Today’s Highlights”

The stock market is incurably infected by the digital aids
Degraded men lose mass money hidden un-der shades
Stock Market’s top investor a Mr. Jennings is shocked
Blocked bank account his servants wage bill un-clocked
His wealth was docked in docks of boxes stored in shares
So the rotted contents represented the proud mans affairs
Now dead under pretences of natural death he was punished
For having pride he dies hanged by the noose of his social lies

http://www.scrapking.com/gallery/resources/poet.gif

RIP Sir Jennings Pride
Your gone & will be Forgotten

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306125
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305985

ok ok this piece was just brilliant and I really really liked it.The storline was so clever and the way you presented it was very clever.You showed how creative your mind is and it really showed right here with your excellent wording and stoyline.Your descriptive writing was another excellent part to this piece.Each word was expressed brilliantly."Hello Mr.Jennings" would have been my favourite part of this piece.In my opinion you showed your best of your ability here.Great piece my friend.

-Dyl

Yeah thanks man i appreciate that.

excellent, man pakaveli your leaving rb on a very short term i give it another year at rb youd be one of the greatest writers here man,but ill miss your reads.
the emotion i felt was very deep and heart felt when reading this,the imagery was terrific and couldn't of been better in my eyes,the structure was solid,the vocabulary above average,and the wording was great too i really dont know what to say man except that you nailed this one right in the ass its dope.

thanks man...i'll be leaving for around 6 months or so..hopefully i'll comeback, but before the 4th i'm gonna finish my 7 sins series.

i always enjoy readin your OM's, dis 1 i felt was deep, emotional, very good imagery, nice structure, vocab was average, but anotha good read pak, lookin forward 2 tha next 1

thanks man.

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The man proud at the sterling silver crest he wore
The golden doorknob represented his riches galore

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fuckin dope man this was deff your best by far...i fuckin loved this...ive read this 3 times now and i still cant get enough....this was just so amazing....the flow was unbelieveable.....multies were jus sick as fuck.....word play was on point thru out the whole drop....vocab was nice as fuck...deff put the right words in the right places....the topic was amazing and how you wrote on it...fuckin amazing fully man...good fuckin drop...hit up another link in my sig if u find the time...peace..keep up

Damn dude. Honestly this was pretty cool, fresh, and unique. I haven't seen a topical like this in a while. The topic I've never seen really this way. Good job there. I really enjoyed the aabb format in the 1st and 3rd verses, but I really liked how you switched to abab in the 2nd verse...it was so sick. I really liked this thing as a whole. You have great diction and your wording makes it much better of a read. I am glad to have been able to work with you. Keep dropping like this!

thanks for the comments, i appreciate them...also DJ i'll hit up one your linkages in a minute.

IIGHT FUCK YOU!!!!!!!

fo real u make me feel bad about my pieces lmao

Yoo this shit is dope....mad clever

lol...don't worry give it time and you'll write as good if not better than me.

Pak, where exactly do you get these ideas for topics from? some of the stuff you write, I'd never had thought of in a million years, let alone my lifetime. =/
This was good work, a lot of description and a nice story to go along with it. Had a meaning behind it as most of your work does, and it flowed welll also. Good vocab, along with everything else.

Wish I could leave more feed, but I gotta take my dog out. =/

Thanks tha'ts adequate enough feed for me, stay up.

Pakaveli? You're Leaving!?!? *Runs and crys* howcome u never told me about that? :mad:.. w/e i'll talk 2 u in another thread about that...

But neways this was by far my faveroite piece i have ever read from you my man... The emotion just stood out so boldly... it actually left me awestruck.. and the descriptiveness in your verses was outstanding... i absolutely loved this piece.. and i'm sitting here thinking: "Give Pak some sort of constructive critisizm to help him elevate" but it's hard because this piece was almost flawless... but no1 is perfect, so i imagine there is some things you could tune up on, but none that i could pinpoint... and even if i could pinpoint the flaws, they'd b so minor that it'd b almost a slap in the face to adress them, because you should really be celebrating this piece and you should honestly b proud of yourself for this one...

as KT said.. you've nailed this one... good work man keep it up.

Wow...thanks man i appreciate that and all the positivity...don't any of y'all let my leaving make you sympathise if you see a fault tell me.

trust me it wasnt that.. this was a good piece that's all.. and i didnt see any flaws in it..

If you need someone to fault you, it's always me.

...

I won't do it here. I agree that this was a pretty damn good piece. I really liked it, it started a little different than I'm used to seeing from you, but you, as usual, did a couple of different styles and stories and kept it going. I think you've really presented a good piece, however, I have seen very little improvement on your ability to shorten your lines to carry your message. The longer lines you tend to use just dont translate as well to lyric writing, or song writing, but you're not shortening your lines. I think maybe it just will take time because you're still writing pretty good stuff and a lot of people like it, so keep at it.

I'm just a big proponent of shorter lines to promote rhyme schemes and ideas. Using less words to tell your story shows very capable writing, because you take a complex thought and actively summarize it with as few words as possible to really tell your message effectively. Lyric writing is like Cliff's Notes. =D

don't worry shorter writing pieces will coe out soon lol, but i'm keeping sentences for these style of pieces.

^^^

This was a very excellent piece, the whole thing was put together great and i can tell you put some time into this. The storyline was great, it kept me reading and it also had good vocab. The part of this piece i liked would have to be "Hello Mr.Jennings" it seemed as you expressed this part the best, enough imagery to get people to see in there mind wats going on and e nough description for us to stay on track while reading, keep it up Pak, your doin great man.

thanks man, i appreciate that.

Dont leave me :(

lol....^^^

I for one thought that your writing technique was incredibly odd, there were more than a few points where your flow all but lost me. However, the shrewdness you used in each individual line created a quite candid and vivid picture of your characters apparent snobbish and arrogant demeanor; which in turn really proved to be a very effective tool in the overall scheme of things. The story’s moral was executed efficiently, though I do think your transition between events could have been a little more detailed, but then again I’m probably just nitpicking for the sake of criticism. There’s really nothing wrong with this piece at all, though your approach was a little different from what I’m used to see on here, however the result was quite expected of what I’m use to seeing from you – Dopeness!

Appreciate that, thanks.

lol this was dope..

i'll edit in feed when i can, i hope i don't forget tho.

but yeah u gotta link me to the other parts of the series.

peace

no doubt.....i'll make other pieces later on this is first of the sseries.

Ok, I thought this was dope. Good job. You were always on the edge between a good read and dope, but with this you jumped over the line, so to speak. Interesting approach here, and I see where you are going with this. So far, you got things down, a bit more attention on meter and detail.. should make for a nice series. YOU came across as more in control in this drop here, voice was stonger to me. Good job on a dope peice, keep it up now...

Thanks man, i appreciate that...most the improvements are down to the previous responces from RB members na mean..you, Evingale and Vortex mostly.

hmmmm this was interesting and will push the bar up a notch for me to write at this level for our collab for the next sin. But this flowed really well, your wording gets better every piece. I didin't see any forced lines here and that made the flow very good and it also made it a lot easier to understand. I like how you switched up your style each stanza. You're emotion throughout this was really felt, I found this also kind of amusing as I was reading it. Some lines were funny and I like that in a read. All in all this piece was very very good. I look forward to writing my piece know. props

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AS even my cook comes from the oxford pedigree breed

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hahaha, nice

appreciate the comments na mean, enjoy writing the piece..live your character i say lol.

haha no doubt nicca, treat writing like acting.

very good peice bro. felt your concept the entire way through. Impressed with your originality to such a played topic. Vocab is decent, aswell as imagery.
good peice.

posting again coz we already moved to page 3...

i liked this piece mostly because of the creativity. verses were solid, the only thing that bothered me really was the rhyme scheme, i think you need to upgrade that.. but as far as everything else goes, verses flowed smoothly. story was done simply and nicely, and the ending killed it...

so overall, dope piece.

keep it up, and link us to the other parts of the series (when they're done).. im curious lol.

yeah thanks for the new comments, i appreciate them all.

I like tha concept of this piece for tha simple fact that it displays tha foolishness of pride. It revealz how someone can be tricked into thinkin' that he has control over circumstances in life. This piece made clear tha folly & delusion in tha illusion that something like money or fame makes us gods of our own lives. Through words, you showed how one little stumbling block can reveal tha truth of our weakness & also tha falsehood of our self-exalting efforts. You should of included tha ultimate truth...the reason why it seems that this piece has a hidden revelation in accordance to "what goes around comes around" is because this is a spiritual law that was put in place by Thee Lawgiver for mere creations which have tha habit of exalting themselves. It's a deadly sin to still His glory & we all will give an account of our lives given. That was a tight piece too (i dont even think you cursed!)

Thanks for the inetteligent insight na mean....through this i didn't want to include karma, due to the fact as it would have made this piece more of a what goes aroun comes around, i wanted to stick more to th pride aspect and let the other concepts follow. Once again i appreciate your comments, thanks.

Damn good. He was a rich dude who had too much pride and got hung. That's deep. I truly loved this piece Pak. Definitely the best out of the series yet. The vocabulary was of course great. The storyline blew me away. Alot of originality here and I like how you portrayed the story. The delivery was perfect and I really liked the read. Structure, Flow, Diction, blah blah blah blah blah. Fuck that shit this piece was beautiful. Keep writing man.