-My Mind State-

-My Mind State-

http://www.bytesnipper.com/attach/DarkMind.JPG

-I’m Confused-

Cold confused couplets written by the confused contradicter
Mention the name 3 times & become your deaths predictor
Predict my lines I rhyme in ironic catastrophes, laugh ALOUD
See truths hidden in mirages and learn what they’re about
Shout, scream and shriek the inner demons who reside in me
Clearly, I have nearly been engulfed in shadows anonymity
So read between the scripts to understand the chains entwined
It’s my plan to never understand the messages in each line
So STOP, don’t care what you say, so FUCK the SHIT
I verbally abuse my lines just to keep verbal degenerates a lit
Now confuse me not, I feel the flow go ridiculously absurd
Herds of demons will cut then crush & produce a bloody curd
Eat it then spit, spit out the brick-a-brick tasting fleshy grit
Unleash my soul through the sands out of the devils hands
“Why have you forsaken me Lord?” I stand on the bloody lands

-The Sage does Lie-

So believe me when I say don’t believe me I tell you a lie
Consider the chronic cures that cured me of this worldly hive
Is it Paranoia? No I’ve been chosen to speak in false tongues
Tell lies in truths and feel the fallen angel reside in my lungs
BREATHE the weak knees that crumble like the rhyme scheme
Of an amateur writers ability to analyse the means to only demean
The simple language was handed down as heirloom to your truly
The benign manifesto of forces malign, Priest watches me coolly

-I feel Shadows-

I’m confused so I write
Words that mean nothing
Or are they forms of plight
Maybe my minds bluffing

I see red and black creatures
Maybe they are my thoughts
They have ghastly features
My very own demonic haunts

Believe i haven't used these before:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305500
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305542

<-----¬``¬------->

^^^

Well I don't know why you don't have any feed because this was a really good piece, short but sweet and right to the point. The vocabulary was very good and the imagery was great. The emotion was alright but what you lacked in emotion you gained in imagery which you usually tend to happen to me. I like that you used some metaphores in there. Not a lot but there were some which is always great to see. Try to incorporate more into your writing, don't force it but try to make them fit in.

Quote:

---

Is it Paranoia? No I’ve been chosen to speak in false tongues
Tell lies in truths and feel the fallen angel reside in my lungs
BREATHE the weak knees that crumble like the rhyme scheme
Of an amateur writers ability to analyse the means to only demean

---

I liked this part a lot, it was proboably me my favorite part because of you you metaphoricaly you made use of these two completley different subjects and made them fit. Try to do that more. But overall good piece, you've been dropping fire latley, keep it up.

WEll i appreciate that...i didn't actually know how it would go down..but yeah i appreciate your comments.

I like this peice. It was pretty deep and stuff, felt real emotion going on. The structure was good, just the fact that I personally don't like italics when reading. Vocab great, Flow great.. You must write often, it shows. keep writing.

Deep indeed. Pakaveli....Pakaveli, what originality here. I liked that the most. Definitely your style of piece with the vocabulary and the rhyme scheme your used to. Beautiful man. The ending hit me like whoa. Relaxing read. Structure was good. Your flow was good. Diction was off in like a couple lines but you did good on that here. Rhyme scheme, no need harping on it could be better because this is just your natural rhyme scheme. Liked it alot Pak, keep writing and get at me whenever you want feed on something.

I liked this because the feeling was a littel different than your pieces usually are, you're actually taking on a bit of a louder, more angry voice here, and I kinda liked it. Never heard you refer to herb, either, which of course is close to my heart, since I don't think I've ever written a piece on here that wasn't on the influence of at least some tree...

Anyways, the rhyme scheme came a little bit bland, but I say that too much maybe, but still, I stick to it. Well written though, the lines stay on count consistently and you never lost me to your topic, I enjoyed this, but nothing spectacular. I think you had a little something different in your heart here to say, and you said it, and it was cool, because this was more about your thoughts and feelings then the topical stuff I'm used to seeing from you. Good work, Pak.

i diddnt
like the starting rhyumes much.namely the second line seemed forced............deaths predictor????.........


but yeah ish warmed up to a nice flow after a few lines.... and seemed to grow with fluency as it went on. iat the same time putting up some dark eery imagery on the visual tip...........



nice poetry touches merged into the joint f'sho


I see red and black creatures
Maybe they are my thoughts
They have ghastly features
My very own demonic haunts



coo


yeah was tite short drop. layout was good and easy to follow

pz1

I gotta agree with vortex on that one.I think you just rushed into this one and the 1st two lines did seem a bit forced to me,but you made up for that with your other lines filled with emotion and showed creativity.I really liked your finishing touch to mthe piece with the poetry finish.....very well done.Overall it was a nice read,but you can drop muchbetter than that.Good stuff ;)

i liked this piece it was some deep shit the emotion was great the lyrics were good and the flow was consistant throughout the whole piece which was good. keep it up man...

return th favour - http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306125

peace

WEll thanks everyone, i appreciate the comments and i'll check up linkages left as soon as possible.

Checked linkages.

nice peice, could feel it!!

yes thanks.

I like the way you used your imagery in this piece i could really see alot of the things you were writing about in my head, the vocabulary was very well used, i think in one or two lines it could have been better but for the most part it was good, your structure was good also, i think overall id have to rate this piece over 9 but its not 10 yet keep working to get the perfect verse man.

After a slow opener, this worked itself out pretty well. It seems as if you got into the flow of things half way through. Dark, rant like peice here. Good job on this, the tone here was much better than that set in other peices of yours. You are acutally looking more polished when it comes to transitions now. Kind of predictable, but much better than I have seen from you. Story line was decent, held my attention, nothing too awkward in here diction wise, noted improvement. Over all good job my man...

WEll thanks....though i had not spent long on this as it was like you said a rant than anything else.

sometimes a short rant has more of your voice and emotion than a epeic type peice you spend hours on. trust me...

True True, anyway thanks for the comments again and i'll check out your piece in a while...read the first verse it's lookin good.

Deep indeed. Pakaveli....Pakaveli, what originality here. I liked that the most. Definitely your style of piece with the vocabulary and the rhyme scheme your used to. Beautiful man. The ending hit me like whoa. Relaxing read. Structure was good. Your flow was good. Diction was off in like a couple lines but you did good on that here. Rhyme scheme, no need harping on it could be better because this is just your natural rhyme scheme. Liked it alot Pak, keep writing and get at me whenever you want feed on something.

i agree wit dyl great ending i thought the firt 2 lines were fine wernt great but good piece !

Well, the image don't work on my computer but that is fine because using your words. You paints your own image inside my mind. The Wordplay was placed well and very well written. Mature in other words. The Emotion was deep and very heart warming. The Creativity was nice, original. The Format was nice and readable. The Imagenation was fantastic, very creative and I saw this as a painting in my mind. Over all a really nice read pak. Keep it up bro. And hit up "My Invisible Path - Belligerant & Advisory" in return please.

~Bell

eh yeah thanks but i wrote this piece like in August 19th, 2006

lol. Just thought I'd give it feed since it was in the top of the Open Mic pages.