The Sacrifice: Climax and Epilogue

The Sacrifice: Climax & Epilogue


The Suffering Servant

http://www.bibleprobe.com/mesiah.jpg

Droplets drip and mix with the sweat of the shell
Swarms of soldiers loudly soliloquise their thoughts
Saliva tinged with the last supper spit as rings the bell
A scenario of haunts, a match of crosses over noughts
The heavens still theirs 7 skies & look upon the world
Trying to answer, “Where have you hurled us lord?”
Steps step over other steps previously planted by Ghosts
Spirits rose from their sea dwellings, the serpent toasts
Toasted to the long life of strife he won praise by Illuminati
Calumniated bodies seep shadows over the master’s body
They entered the housed syrup of life, bloody blood bleeds
No one heeds so they create cadavers to cover their deeds
The sun soaked sands bear witness to the bloody hands
That carried a lost burden of scorning stature via the lands
So he burns he burns but the flames are invisible to others
He carries the sorrow of the children, sins of his brothers
Walks along this servant of sorrows yet he knew his end
The means were grand but the messiah chose to amend
Without force, “Love thy neighbour”, “Love thy enemies”
The quotes subsided from his mind, accused of blasphemies
Through pain and torment shalt he be rewarded due praise
Onuses of chores were lifted ashore by guards to his grave

Isaiah 53:7
“He was oppressed and afflicted,
Yet he did not open his mouth;
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
And as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
So he did not open his mouth”

The Charlatan Children

http://www.nottinghillhousing.org.uk...ing_hands2.jpg

The tunnelling light hued red with a tinged retro maroon
The sun soaked swimmers tanned their flesh on top the dune
Lustful morale supported the sported game of beach volleyball
Fall and rise was the way to stall the eyes and attract the cat call
She moved she moved, moved in a way to sway the man so gay
Glad not proud so to him she seemed incipient in the worldly play
To scare away the lingering eyes he converted and claimed devotion
Notion of freewill nonexistent, he as a priest supported commotion
So he walked away with a “Brother” who wore his hair in braids
An impulse resulted in a tragedy of rotting flesh aided by aids

"When I was in the military
they gave me a medal for killing two men
and a discharge for loving one."
~Epitaph of Leonard P. Matlovich, 1988

The Modern day Saviour

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/image..._bodygetty.jpg

“Moses had said not to worship any idol, but I worship one”
The lines sung by children singing a hymn touched pop song
Madonna rocks & rolls, she waltz while crucified in fame
“You must love me” blares out the speakers & intoxicates
Enemies love the euphoria and miraculously the mood placates
So she sings whilst crucified & their faith dances like a flame
No need for resurrection the audience devours Madonna’s pain
The satirical scenario, Madonna sacrifices a few moments for gain

“The 70,000 fans,
crammed into the Olympic Stadium,
shrugged off the scandal, by dancing,
singing and jumping..”
-BBC Reporter

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...83#post4848683
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...16#post4848716

Deep, very deep. I liked each part, as they were all different, variety the one thing I cherish on this world, and it is exactly what you gave me here. Although a few words were over my head, the vocab that I did understand was awesome, along with the description of events. All the parts were incredible, I must say, all equipped with a different persona all thier own, but had the same common theme, which was a wonderful way to link them. This piece is a nice one, and I enjoyed reading it. :2thumb: Keep Writing Pak.

Thanks i appreciate the comments.

Nice job, Pak, I like this piece. I liked the second part the best, I was most impressed by your use of flow there... it was solid as usual, I have no qualms with this, I just enjoyed reading it, really. Some of the language is a little bit out there, but you are just kinda like that, so what-ev.

The way you mixed Madonna in was kinda funny, I mean, of all the ppl who have used Jesus to their advantage or used the crucifiction symbolism with false reason, it's just kinda funny you're picking on Madonna. I think sometimes you're reaching for your topics a little bit, like, because it's the kind of stuff that people usually fall in love with on this board is the out-there topical stuff.... everyone does a lot of topical shit about weird topics, it's kinda funny... I just write about my own problems =D

I'd give a more detailed opinion if I had it. Keep it real, Pak. You should have no trouble.

wow..this was just plain crazy! ahahah i loved it though. each piece was brilliantly delivered. the flow was smooth and it was consistently dropped. i liked the use of the emotion an vocabulary it made me read it twice..the vocab was so well used i had to have a dictionary as I read ahaha. the complexity in the topic was perfect, it was clearly well thought out and I admire that. the vibe that you portrayed through the images was beautiful ahaha. i loved every piece of it. keep em comin son.

i appreciate both the comments and the only reason i used madonna was cause she's an icon and i couldn't be asked to find another whole hypoctrite cause i never had the internet connection on then lol...Once agains i appreciate the comments

The first part scared me becasue you said there were serpents dwelling :( and the spirit rose and you scared me with those names and shit too :( the name Messiah scares me:

This was a great peice and it had tons of imagery allthroughout the peice I liked the begging the most imagery wise very nice and superb you had some multies here and there and the creativity was dope as hell very fresh concept you dropped here and the creativity shows that it was original in a sense this was just so passionate it could be looked at in many different prespectives just an al-laround dope drop indeed I really would like to know what inspired you to drop this great piece of work definately keep dropping the dope pieces Pak...pz.

Thanks and what inspired me was partly the mood i'v been in lately and partly information i've been researching and seeing...Once again thanks for dropping by.

I'll edit this with feed later

I'm off to bed now

-Edit
I liked this it was a very deep and original peice. You had my attention from the very start and kept me interested right until the very end. Another dope peice from you dude, but I still think you can go that one step further and make an unbelievable peice. I know you have it in you, maybe try a new style that certainly worked for me. none the less I do really liked this peice, the imagery was dope as fuck, you were on point with emotion and the topic and storyline were very original. Dope peice dude, props.

Well you packed a lot in here. This was like 3 mini stories but related to each other so you could put it together. I personally liked the first story or stanza or whatever the best. I felt you're emotion through all of it, and your flow was very fluint but theres just something about how you worded your lines in the first part that really got to me an got me really envloved.

Quote:

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They entered the housed syrup of life, bloody blood bleeds

The sun soaked sands bear witness to the bloody hands

---

I really felt those lines and took them in for a minute. Some minor flaws with wording in the first stanza but it was my favorite and I really got taken back by it. Props.
The second stanza didn't grab me like the first stanza but was still very well written. A little awkward in places but the flow was fluint for the most part, and I liked what you were portraying it. You used very good descrpition and it caught my eye, another good job.
The third stanza was a bit bland to me. I've read a lot stuff similar to it before. It flowed well but just didn't have the metaphores and descriptivness the other parts had. It was just bland to me the third part, but was still written well.

Very good drop, look forward to more.

Thanks for the commets they are appreciated

Stay up while i fall to slumber

this was tight... especially the last verse... the part about sacrificing a few moments for gain.. tight..

anyway, the concept grabbed my attention, so that's a plus.. flow remained on point throughout the whole thing..

a few use of multies here and there... so overall it was a decent rhyme scheme.

i was impressed by the vocabulary so that's a plus as well... nice vocab. AND i also liked the use of alliteration here and there... that was good.

I believe that the first verse was the best... i liked it the most... but everything else was tight too... this was a great read...

overall 8/10... i dont have a OM here so please hit this battle up..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304947

peace

I'll edit in some feed in the morning.

edit-
This was ok. I can tell you put a lot of effort into, and it showed in some shining parts.. But overall it seemed a bit... Forced? Don't get me wrong, it was an enjoyable read.. But the vocabulary at times seemed almost too extensive, like you were writing with a thesaurus in front of you the whole time. Now.. Refined, that wouldn't be such a bad thing.. But the wording at times was a little off. It flowed decent, nothing special.. Overall, I give this a 6. Good try, noble effort. Keep at it.. I can definately see potential in you.. You should have seen the shit I was writing when I was 17... This would've put me to shame back in the day.

Peace

I believe i have checkd all linkages.

Up for the day while i wither away

the flow and deepness first cuaght me here...=

Steps step over other steps previously planted by Ghosts
Spirits rose from their sea dwellings, the serpent toasts
Toasted to the long life of strife he won praise by Illuminati
Calumniated bodies seep shadows over the master’s body
They entered the housed syrup of life, bloody blood bleeds
No one heeds so they create cadavers to cover their deeds
The sun soaked sands bear witness to the bloody hands
That carried a lost burden of scorning stature via the lands

spart from bloody blod. i thought the word bloddy could be replaced to avoid over wordiness.................


flow went off a bit.for the next few lines..............


then.=

Without force, “Love thy neighbour”, “Love thy enemies”
The quotes subsided from his mind, accused of blasphemies
Through pain and torment shalt he be rewarded due praise
Onuses of chores were lifted ashore by guards to his grave

was illy f'sho


yeah Isiah is deep............


and

So he walked away with a “Brother” who wore his hair in braids
An impulse resulted in a tragedy of rotting flesh aided by aids

was illy

as was=

You must love me” blares out the speakers & intoxicates
Enemies love the euphoria and miraculously the mood placates


all in all. nicely put together. seems you branching out concept - wise. while still merging some of your more inner - faith type knowledge into thew deal

yeah the joint was nice. i say just try work on not over - wording certain line / bars/ sentences. .. over - wordiness can maybe lose clarity in its being so.


pz


edit.
btw if you could check thi it would be apreciated. coz no else can SEE it. its an invisible OM. ha

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305206

Ayo Slip i appreciate your point of view and Vortex thanks for the opinion but the linkage you gave been closed by brix na mean

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pakaveli

Ayo Slip i appreciate your point of view and Vortex thanks for the opinion but the linkage you gave been closed by brix na mean

---

yeah i know. fuck it. ha.
i got plenty more on the board when you get round to it


bump

Yo I couldnt understand the frist few lines of the frist part lol.....But i read them over and got it it was pretty nice the endin of it was better thoe it had intence vocab man lol

The second part was my fav better flow then the frist n just a overall better verse

I cant reallly live critism for your pieces thoe cause u are 69 times the Topical cat i am
I dunno overall dope piece

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cliff.Hanger

Yo I couldnt understand the frist few lines of the frist part lol.....But i read them over and got it it was pretty nice the endin of it was better thoe it had intence vocab man lol

The second part was my fav better flow then the frist n just a overall better verse

I cant reallly live critism for your pieces thoe cause u are 69 times the Topical cat i am
I dunno overall dope piece

---

Bleh at that, we all good lol...anyway i appreciate the coments.

i thought this was gonna be shorter, replying so i remember to later.

man nice ass shit here..its deep and I thinkk Pac should consider getting cloned just so there can be more of him to go around...nice job dog!

Quote:

---

Steps step over other steps previously planted by Ghosts
Spirits rose from their sea dwellings, the serpent toasts

---

really liked those lines....very good man...not many things wrong with this...alot of multies that really helped out the flow...which was very good and stayed up for the whole drop...alot of creativty and work put into thisdrop i can see...the topic was very orignal..i really liked this drop..could u leave feed on my others if u have time

Droplets drip and mix with the sweat of the shell
Swarms of soldiers loudly soliloquise their thoughts
Saliva tinged with the last supper spit as rings the bell
A scenario of haunts, a match of crosses over noughts
The heavens still theirs 7 skies & look upon the world
Trying to answer, “Where have you hurled us lord?”
Steps step over other steps previously planted by Ghosts
Spirits rose from their sea dwellings, the serpent toasts
^^
a Very nice opener and a very eye popping expierence cus all the somehwat feelings you put in it...


“Moses had said not to worship any idol, but I worship one”
The lines sung by children singing a hymn touched pop song
Madonna rocks & rolls, she waltz while crucified in fame
“You must love me” blares out the speakers & intoxicates
Enemies love the euphoria and miraculously the mood placates
So she sings whilst crucified & their faith dances like a flame
No need for resurrection the audience devours Madonna’s pain
The satirical scenario, Madonna sacrifices a few moments for gain
^^
nice closer as well finished well....STRONG.

OPINION
in this piece you executed well in effort and time and emotion putting alot of feelings and more of a metaphoricall touch to it than usual but you in doing so i may have to say like split FORCED a little..it felt like you crammed all the info and lines you thought of too much and it pressured you and it felt like you just threw it in all in a rush kind of thing. dont get me wrong this was a nice nice drop but i felt you forced in a way somelines that should have just went a little basic than trying hard enough to get it to be complexed..ya feel?!...but this was a nice drop i may have to say man. i liked the pleasure of reading it and would like to see more drop slike this jut more EXPAND'D in defining details on feelings and emotino sand wordings.



RTF. on the 3 links in my sig.

Preciate the comments Omega, but i really didn't try to make the words over complex with high vocab...maybe they just ended up like that ..=/....But yeah i've checkd up 2 of the links and will get the 3rd later on.

yea no worries man...it just felt like that thats all it kinda like was a smart kid tryna talk to a dumb muthafucka conversatino type.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Omega.

yea no worries man...it just felt like that thats all it kinda like was a smart kid tryna talk to a dumb muthafucka conversatino type.

---

No Problem G lol...i'll tone down next time na mean...who knows when i'm gonna write next, as i only write on things that cath my attention now.

Favorite Lines:
The tunnelling light hued red with a tinged retro maroon
The sun soaked swimmers tanned their flesh on top the dune
Lustful morale supported the sported game of beach volleyball
Fall and rise was the way to stall the eyes and attract the cat call
She moved she moved, moved in a way to sway the man so gay
Glad not proud so to him she seemed incipient in the worldly play
To scare away the lingering eyes he converted and claimed devotion
Notion of freewill nonexistent, he as a priest supported commotion
So he walked away with a “Brother” who wore his hair in braids
An impulse resulted in a tragedy of rotting flesh aided by aids

Feed:

Alot of thinkin wen into this OM, great read man, you got to the point butb you needed just alittke more details in some areas, but overall, you dud great, this is a eyebrow raiser to me, really caught my attention, it kept me wanting to read all of it, i loved the middle of it, nice job..

RTF:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305556
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...60#post4854160

Damn Pak, I swear every new piece I read from you is just beautiful. This piece was very relaxing to read and deep. You flowed well and again your vocabulary was off the charts. I still think it would have been aot better with more complexed rhyme scheme but it was still a great read. Great structure and I see your also getting more comfortable with pictures. Love to see you improving. Keep writing man.

Thanks man, i appreciate the comments.

Last uppin for the day.

Last up then the piece can rest.

An amazing piece, very original, and a great topic, great use of rhymes, and the wording was great, the emotion in this piece was by far the thing that sprung out the most, from start to finish, it was incredible, great use of vocabulary, my favorite part....

So he walked away with a “Brother” who wore his hair in braids
An impulse resulted in a tragedy of rotting flesh aided by aids

That part right there really stood out to me as a very detailed description of life as a homosexual, you picked the right quotes after each verse, and the whole idea of your drop was great, very good drop man, good job.

If you could return the favor
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...02#post4867002
thanks

sorry ignore this