My Rocket was a Lemon.

I rocketed upward on a ship of
adrenaline to test the boundaries
of boundless contentment, and
my fuel burned out. The adrenaline
dragged me to hell, but no point
beyond. Sloth stood at the gates
of hail to greet me with his
sickening laugh of avoidance.
Greed came out of the Devil’s
bank to cover my eyes with his
filthy hands; Lust dragged herself
out Lucifer’s bedroom to seduce
my heart with her anesthetic eyes.
Satan forced me to stair into his
mirror to see my inner Pride which
was swollen beyond the points of
my physical structure. Envy tried
to hide himself to the best of his
abilities under the devil’s carpet,
but that was not meant to be.
The beast eerily offered me to
partake in his feast; as I reached
for a napkin of needles Gluttony
stared in approval right back at
me. Satan just laughed sourly.
Rumbles shook the table; suddenly
I saw Anger, the little hellion, tear
through the thick dried blood of
Lucifer’s heart and rise out of his
mouth just to relocate itself to
the vessels of my soul. I then
realized it: The devil had been
riding his rocket. In his sick, twisted
way, he was testing the boundaries
of boundless contentment,
and his fuel had just burned out.

I rocketed upward on a ship of
adrenaline to test the boundaries
of boundless contentment, and
my fuel burned out. The adrenaline
dragged me to hell, but no point
beyond. Sloth stood at the gates
of hail to greet me with his
sickening laugh of avoidance.
Greed came out of the Devil’s
bank to cover my eyes with his
filthy hands; Lust dragged herself
out Lucifer’s bedroom to seduce
my heart with her anesthetic eyes.

That imagery is AMAZING!

Rumbles shook the table; suddenly
I saw Anger, the little hellion, tear
through the thick dried blood of
Lucifer’s heart and rise out of his
mouth just to relocate itself to
the vessels of my soul. I then
realized it: The devil had been
riding his rocket. In his sick, twisted
way, he was testing the boundaries
of boundless contentment,
and his fuel burned out.

Great Ending!

honestly....you are one of the better poetic writers I have seen. Your wording is really superb especially for somebody that is your age. You have a great sense of line and emotion and it shows in this piece. Nce title too...I didn't get it at first. Good work!

to the top.

...

wireless...get at my OM All That Jazz....I did this one

I liked this poem alot. the wordplay made the flow much better. And the structre made it easy to read. Which is a major plus to me :). The creativty and imagenary was nice as well. Placed some well explained images in my head. The story was the best part about this peice because it was well made and explained leaving the readers to enjoy their read. That is a little hard to do now-a-days dont you think? If I was to rank this it would be ranked a 10-10. Like I said a good peice. Keep writing homie.

~LeX

rise...

*Edited in my feedback*

damn family i love this piece
the ability to make me picture it...
great vocab
interesting topic.
awesome ending.
this piece was great


question. is this piece meant to be read stacotto

cuz i tried reading it a little fast and it worked for me.

fgjsdgdgjs to the top.

ok, fuckshits. i don't up a lot, but pleassse leave some feed.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305392
^So yea hit that up. Thanks

I liked this a whole lot, it was very unique. I liked your whole outake on the subject. I had to read this about 3 times to fully understand it. Yea, you used imagery really good but that wasn't what got me really into this piece. Your story telling ability was what got me really invloved. Plus the metaphorical references you used were very good.

Quote:

---

The beast eerily offered me to
partake in his feast; as I reached
for a napkin of needles Gluttony
stared in approval right back at
me

---

That's just one example that I really liked.

Yea the whole out take on the seven deadly sins was really good at the metaphores and story telling ability you used to describe them was really unique. Great piece, hit mine up hoe.

fuckers.

I really liked the way you played the beginning over on the end, i loved that - i'm too tired to really read through, but the way you structured the images in this poem really made it what it is.

The metaphors you built up are really strong, i never really saw you to have such a diversely entertaining vocabulary. I feel the language barely fit the theme, although from first read i understand that it has a 'twisted' darkness to it; and upon reading it again with that in mind it really shines as a piece.

Only thing though; it seems common amongst poetry. I'm not sure why, but it just seems like i've read the same thing plenty of times in different forms.

However, greatly enthralling read, took me around a bit and made me enjoy it - well done. Keep writing, and leave some return feed on either 'Nymphomaniac' (look on first page) or 'Rage of the Machine' (link)

to the top.
dat, I'll RTF either in a few minutes or tomorrow night.

I liked your overall concept and approach, but the actual execution of the piece just didn't come off as I set it up to be in my head. Alot of the lines should have been broken off sooner to add emphasis to certain words and phrases, and you should have gotten either more descriptive or come with a more creative idea for how to present the elements of sin so that that entire section wouldn't have come off as a list. Also certain had too much description, which took away from the piece conectivity. In lines like:

as I reached
for a napkin of needles Gluttony
stared in approval right back at
me.

The should have had a cama after needles, and that should have been cut right there as one line to let the metaphor sink in with the reader even more, giving more power where it should be put. So, ya, nice concept, you've just got some wording and format issues that could be tightened up a bit to strengthen the piece.

When you get the time...
Black-Sheep Abacus [Act Ø: Scene XII]