Stuck in the year of 88'.

http://www.brokenbike.org/photos/ima...4443_caddy.jpg

Back in the day for me . . .
It was black on black Cadillac bumping that eight tracks
with black hard cool leather seats that match
chrome gleaning knowing that the driver got stacks,
Speakers on full blast, shaking the ground as it past.
Couldn't take my eyes off of it-damn who knew?
A car can make you feel bubbly as if your mountain dew.
I felt so high without the blunt between my lips,
but the fire was inside my chest-Damn I was so lit
and the pain was disappearing turning it into ashes,
to bad that feeling didn't last-out of my sight it passed
It hit the corner with its tires doing a burn out,
Leaving a man feeling drought-facial expression a pout.
Kids on the side walk playing hopscotch,
it hit them so quickly like being kicked in the crotch
gasp and eye widens with screams echoing,
everyone as if they just woke up by an alarm ringing
so loud that their manifestation was speechless,
man the way they sucked in the air so greatly-Like leeches,
blood flowing into a made man stream on the concrete
The red shine so brightly, but you can't say this picture is lovely.
Well not in my eyes, as I ran to him with tears on my cheeks,
Got down on my knee's, my five-year-old voice yelled "Daddy!"
with my hands-thinking I was Moses that I can revive him
pushed on his chest, it was no use, the reaper came and a sad grim
planted on my face knowing no time soon
That happiness won't grow in me as bright as a moon.
.
.
Still to this day, I'm fueled with hate and I stay
In the neighborhood, same corner till the night turn dark gray.
Every time I hear music blasting down the street,
I think about that black Cadillac, with black leather seats.
Trapped in the year of 88', my fathers year grave,
"As soon I handle business, god you can take me away"

this was unqiue in a way ad sense of no one else being able to write and approach the way you did...though the storyline was kinda Blah...i do believe your writing picked it up a BIT. you came pretty simple in this piece which is good cus les is MORE feel me?!...bt from the other writings you have done its something sorta new...you had nice details in this aswell but for some sorta reason i just wasnt REALLY feeling this piece but it was a good read.

but stay u pand in writing my dude!. and if you wanna poetry battle sure im down man..ill set it now if ya want.

RTF on any of the lnks in my sig my dude.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304071
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304091


Yeah I quick key'd this one bruh. Thanks for the feed. Peace.

this was unqiue in a way ad sense of no one else being able to write and approach the way you did...

i agree..this was a nice piece..good flow..clah on the story line tho.. not a good pick...you made it work tho..nice worplay..and this made sense to me...goos drop..keep it up
overall=8.7/10

Thanks, Thanks. Uppin.

word. this was unique it was different, creative and very interesting.
the beggining was pretty good the middle and end was cool.
the flow was smooth throughout and the structure was good
vocab was descent. imagery was good. and overall this was good
i liked it.

rtf on my OM. thanks

I did and thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

Very different, I liked this piece, plenty of metas, and decent vocab. Nice, you had me thinking it was a story of stuck on the block sellin rock type gangsta stuff. but you flipped it, and it was dope. If this was a true story, then I'm sorry for the loss of your father, but I think he would be proud of this piece. It was good, you could have improved with a few multis, and that's really all I can think of now. Just keep dropping.

Well man, this was an interesting way of writing. It seemed as if you took the picture and made wrote on how it gave you a substitute for drugs and a metaphorical "high".
All in all this was a good piece but there were some things you could work at.

Your imagery was your strong point. Now a way to make your imagery more vivid, would be to use more complex or even just bigger words. Your vocabulary can really shape how your piece is going to be. You don't have to clutter your piece w/ complexity but throw it in there and it will help.

Your story line was pretty good, like I said the whole piece seemed like a metaphor which is good. You will have a good future in writing if you continue to keep it up.

Well, this is all I really have to say, if you have questions, you know my aim I guess.

Pz.

- Whitey.

Thanks man and thanks for the feedback above.

well first off i just goin to say you weren't alive in 88 so its a fucked up topic to write about
when i read this it reminds me of outkast for some reason the old outkast
i really like the piece tho man cause the whole metaphoic things the style the tone sad ending nice shit work on your syllable rhyming

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Les Aleus

well first off i just goin to say you weren't alive in 88 so its a fucked up topic to write about
when i read this it reminds me of outkast for some reason the old outkast
i really like the piece tho man cause the whole metaphoic things the style the tone sad ending nice shit work on your syllable rhyming

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Ok. Considering the fact that a 'Topic' can be approach in a fiction or non-fiction way, so no, it’s not a fucked up Topic to write about. Thanks for your feedback.

when i said fucked up i meant hard to write because you were not alive

feelin da car lol nah but that piece was aight, nothing about it stuck out besides da very small amount of imagery, seems like after that mountain dew line it wasnt that hard to follow anymore....flow was shakey but good, wordplay could of been used more to give ya words life, multiz aswell....not that many metas used but overall 7/10 <--but im sure u write shyt better than this anyway....i can tell

Thanks and Yeah I can do better than this, just trying something new.

I read this on my alias. Nice peaice you got here. The wordplay was nice. leado onto that flow which was good as well. I though that the structre was normal. Basic which some readers find well to do. The creativty and imagenary was nice. Nothing horribel or special. This story plot was well done as well as I would expect from you Scythe. I give this peice a 9-10. Keep up the great writing.