Peace is a State of Mind few can afford (MOF Extended)

Open to gather. .debating my reasons,
My emotions are shattered, and breaking in pieces,
Impatient and speechless, so profound in assumptions,
Getting pounded around, and amounting to nothing,
Face is mounted in frowns, live in a lounge of destruction,
Disgraced and hounded, I found, that I can't handle misjudgement,
Just a panel of grudges, and the friction I felt,
See I depicted an image that made me sick of myself,
Get a GRIP on ya'self, I'm so deranged and exploited,
I hate ME, from every vomit, to the stains on my toilet,
And the pain can't be voided, the ruthless strides is too lost in,
Foolish minds where choosing sides has suicide as an option,
Losing pride is too often, vital, but plummets instead,
And major wars in life are rivaling the one in my head,
See this punishment spreads, just so muffled and stagnant,
Then a storm of grief turns into a puddle of sadness,
Now, my trouble's been casted. .a crush to my wisdom,
And my tears and fuss have learned to just adjust to the system,
With no must to forgive them. Avenging and cursed,
My every sin's a vengeful binge to blending in with the worst,
Them inconsiderate jerks!! Their neglecting action,
Where killers and rapists slide with rejects and addicts,
And respet is drastic- -walking a merciful line,
Wondering if God will EVER give us. . . some personal time,
Irreversible crimes have us in line with the danger,
Friends are psyched into strangers and we confide in our anger,
Living life by a hanger. . .and it's a hard nosed topic,
'Work for Change' . . . a black sharpie on some cardboard boxes,
Having a starved choice stalking us, evoking our time,
So we give up and live through chaos. . .while holding our signs,
Never consoling our minds. . . trapped in a pearl of mockery,
Where peace is a price to pay, and the World's in poverty.

-Nique

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...31#post4793931

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...57#post4793957

wow, I loved it, it was easily one of my favourite peices in a while, the multies, well they were just out of this world for real, I don't think I've ever read anything from you before so this was definitely a very nice surprise (well not surprise because I've heard how good you are, but you know what I mean). The flow was amazing, you flowed perfectly throughout nearly the whole peice, there was only one part where I think it fell off.

Them inconsiderate jerks!! Their neglecting action,
Where killers and rapists slide with rejects and addicts,

^I think it fell off there, I dunno maybe it's just the way I was reading it, but it picked up on the next line anyway. the storyline was interesting and original, I liked it a lot, it was very interesting and easy to read, and lost but not least is your metaphors, damn did ytou have some metaphors in here, they were fucking crazy,I loved them. This peice was so interesting and easy to read, I really do have to give you huge props on this one.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303969
return the favour please

wow. this was really good, like whoa. the topic looked like it was gonna be a good read, and you didn't let me down w/ that shit. oh man ..the descriptive metaphors were so on point and everything. the flow was really hott, shit just rolls off your tounge when you read it. favorite part was probably this ...

Living life by a hanger. . .and it's a hard nosed topic,
'Work for Change' . . . a black sharpie on some cardboard boxes,
Having a starved choice stalking us, evoking our time,
So we give up and live through chaos. . .while holding our signs,
very well written, nice.
Never consoling our minds. . . trapped in a pearl of mockery,
Where peace is a price to pay, and the World's in poverty.
with the finish! KABOOM!

you deffinatly get a point acrossed with this one. interesting way to come at the topic, poverty is a good thing to write about, but i don't think it gets written about that often ...so the originality stays intact with this. thank you VERY much for the read, loved it.

- no homo

if you're interested in feeding on a poetry piece ...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303987
there you go! if not its fine. its kinda short so it's an easy look ..

good verse though, really enjoyed it.

- Nash

Thanks.

You Slaughtered Da Multiz With Ridiculous Effort, Seems Like You Barely Even Tried & It Still Came Out Crazy.....Lovin' Da Wordplay, Easy To Flow With.....Even Came Up With Ah Tight Beat In My Heat After Readin For Awhile, Obviously Ya Flow Was There....Only Part That Kinda Fucked Ya Flow Up Was Da Part Witness Quoted.....
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...
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Them inconsiderate jerks!! Their neglecting action,
Where killers and rapists slide with rejects and addicts,
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...
.
..
.
Jea, But Other Than That Ya Flow Was Major.....Imagery? Sick....Very Sick

"Losing pride is too often, vital, but plummets instead,
And major wars in life are rivaling the one in my head,
See this punishment spreads, just so muffled and stagnant,
Then a storm of grief turns into a puddle of sadness,
Now, my trouble's been casted. .a crush to my wisdom,
And my tears and fuss have learned to just adjust to the system,
With no must to forgive them. Avenging and cursed,
My every sin's a vengeful binge to blending in with the worst"

^Favorite Section.....10/10
...Continue Droppin Hits

Wow...not much I can say thats not already been said but I'll give my opinion...

This was great, rhyme-scheme was amazing, you used multis throughout the whole drop, a good use of metaphors, the piece flowed perfectly, this wasn't too long, or too short, you really got your point across in the right amount of lines, the emotion to this drop was crazy, it jumped out at me after every line, you used a great topic, and you made that topic even better with how you put everything, this whole piece was very interesting, you really kept me reading throughout the whole drop, the end was amazing...

Never consoling our minds. . . trapped in a pearl of mockery,
Where peace is a price to pay, and the World's in poverty.

Those two lines explain your whole piece, this had a great intro, body, ending, this was just a great piece overall....Great read man....Good job...

If you could return the favor, on my om "Killers Metabolism" that'd be great
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304140
thanks.

bliggity blah

Yo, Fam this was a dope ass drop, Mad illy, Flow was insane multis and vocab were on point as well like usual. And the topic was mad creativie and very original. I'm might have to nom this from drop of month, But here's some my fav parts:

Open to gather. .debating my reasons,
My emotions are shattered, and breaking in pieces,
Impatient and speechless, so profound in assumptions,
Getting pounded around, and amounting to nothing,
Face is mounted in frowns, live in a lounge of destruction,


"Losing pride is too often, vital, but plummets instead,
And major wars in life are rivaling the one in my head,
See this punishment spreads, just so muffled and stagnant,
Then a storm of grief turns into a puddle of sadness,
Now, my trouble's been casted. .a crush to my wisdom,
And my tears and fuss have learned to just adjust to the system,
With no must to forgive them. Avenging and cursed,
My every sin's a vengeful binge to blending in with the worst"


^^Damn son, Good shit keep it up, I think I finally found a topic we can collab so I'll hit you up soon.

I really liked this piece. I agree really with what evreyone said. my feed wont be to long due to the agreeing with them but anyways..the flow in this was pretty tight and same with the vocabulary you chose to use. I felt the emotion and description you put forth on this and i could see it was well thought out. not just slapped together with rhymes ya know...i would really choose a favorite line but it was all so damn good. again this piece was really dope. overall the complexity came consistent in conjunction with the structure. out of ten..i will give this a 9.5. only minor things needed elevation to perfect it. keep droppin man. i loved this piece. RTF on my om. It Seems. much appreciation.

-Peace.

Okay, first off, you have a LOT to say about nothing! But you do it well.
While there is no real ‘topic’ to this, you amble through it with great word choice and cadence. That’s your strong point, and you DO execute that very well indeed. However, there are times where you seemed to invent your own little idioms to fit the rhyme which I did not like, (A panel of grudges? A pearl of mockery?! C’mon now, seriously.. You should be above this.) And while the piece reads smoothly, I felt it lacked any real direction, and that disappointed me here. It seems written just for the sake of it being written, there’s no depth to it, no way to actually relate to the reader, there’s no substance there, the rhymes are empty. And throughout the entire verse there are instances where the ‘follow up’ lines hold no relevance to those previous. I actually found it quite frustrating at times to be honest. You offer SO much potential, but always fail to deliver. There are flashes of brilliance there, like this:

Quote:

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My every sin's a vengeful binge to blending in with the worst

---

But there isn’t enough of that fire to hold the readers interest throughout an entire piece. One piece of advice I’d like to give you is that, while it’s important to use multies and rhyme-scheme, its also equally important that you learn to lighten up, and to know when and where (Or more importantly: Where NOT!) to use them. Your major flaw is that you’ve become so obsessed with the flow and rhyme scheme, that you’re now sacrificing the content for huge parts of your pieces to maintain that scheme and flow. You really need to address that before you step your game up. Now, don’t take this the wrong way because I’m not hating on you at all, just offering you some advice. You’re a great writer Nique, don’t waste it.

P.S - Pie’ces and Rea’sons do not rhyme.

Peace!


EDIT: Check my latest drop, its a complete parody of this! Equal line length, same scheme, same meaningless nonsensical crap- only mine took around 12 minutes to type out! Haha!


- It's Franky Baby!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by -IsIs-

I really liked this piece. I agree really with what evreyone said. my feed wont be to long due to the agreeing with them but anyways..the flow in this was pretty tight and same with the vocabulary you chose to use. I felt the emotion and description you put forth on this and i could see it was well thought out. not just slapped together with rhymes ya know...i would really choose a favorite line but it was all so damn good. again this piece was really dope. overall the complexity came consistent in conjunction with the structure. out of ten..i will give this a 9.5. only minor things needed elevation to perfect it. keep droppin man. i loved this piece. RTF on my om. It Seems. much appreciation.

-Peace.

---

basically......but i'd give it a 9 outta 10, great multiz by the way.......solid om

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Frank Einstein!

Okay, first off, you have a LOT to say about nothing! But you do it well.
While there is no real ‘topic’ to this, you amble through it with great word choice and cadence. That’s your strong point, and you DO execute that very well indeed. However, there are times where you seemed to invent your own little idioms to fit the rhyme which I did not like, (A panel of grudges? A pearl of mockery?! C’mon now, seriously.. You should be above this.) And while the piece reads smoothly, I felt it lacked any real direction, and that disappointed me here. It seems written just for the sake of it being written, there’s no depth to it, no way to actually relate to the reader, there’s no substance there, the rhymes are empty. And throughout the entire verse there are instances where the ‘follow up’ lines hold no relevance to those previous. I actually found it quite frustrating at times to be honest. You offer SO much potential, but always fail to deliver. There are flashes of brilliance there, like this:


But there isn’t enough of that fire to hold the readers interest throughout an entire piece. One piece of advice I’d like to give you is that, while it’s important to use multies and rhyme-scheme, its also equally important that you learn to lighten up, and to know when and where (Or more importantly: Where NOT!) to use them. Your major flaw is that you’ve become so obsessed with the flow and rhyme scheme, that you’re now sacrificing the content for huge parts of your pieces to maintain that scheme and flow. You really need to address that before you step your game up. Now, don’t take this the wrong way because I’m not hating on you at all, just offering you some advice. You’re a great writer Nique, don’t waste it.

P.S - Pie’ces and Rea’sons do not rhyme.

Peace!


EDIT: Check my latest drop, its a complete parody of this! Equal line length, same scheme, same meaningless nonsensical crap- only mine took around 12 minutes to type out! Haha!


- It's Franky Baby!

---

Kids and aliases. If you're going to be 'Frank', do it under your real name. This is a topical with meaning. If I wanted to write a story about butterflies evoliving I would, but half you geeks do that already.

Quote:

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You offer SO much potential, but always fail to deliver.

---

2 Titles in the best league that ever graced an internet site, Baron.

Upping this crap that everyone liked, but him ; ]

And the pain can't be voided, the ruthless strides is too lost in,
Foolish minds where choosing sides has suicide as an option,
Losing pride is too often, vital, but plummets instead,
And major wars in life are rivaling the one in my head,
See this punishment spreads, just so muffled and stagnant,
Then a storm of grief turns into a puddle of sadness,
Now, my trouble's been casted. .a crush to my wisdom,
And my tears and fuss have learned to just adjust to the system,
With no must to forgive them. Avenging and cursed,
My every sin's a vengeful binge to blending in with the worst,
Them inconsiderate jerks!! Their neglecting action,
Where killers and rapists slide with rejects and addicts,
And respet is drastic- -walking a merciful line,
Wondering if God will EVER give us. . . some personal time,
Irreversible crimes have us in line with the danger,
Friends are psyched into strangers and we confide in our anger,
Living life by a hanger. . .and it's a hard nosed topic,
'Work for Change' . . . a black sharpie on some cardboard boxes,
Having a starved choice stalking us, evoking our time,
So we give up and live through chaos. . .while holding our signs,
Never consoling our minds. . . trapped in a pearl of mockery,
Where peace is a price to pay, and the World's in poverty.
^^
nicely done and well chosen words.

The whole verse was very well written and choice of voacb was superb. nicely done and the emotino and multies meshed in very well like peanut butter and jelly.

nice i liked this drop made me think of shit.
RTF on the last 2 links please.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by .Nique.

2 Titles in the best league that ever graced an internet site, Baron.

Upping this crap that everyone liked, but him ; ]

---

that Franky dude is Camarac

please check out the link I left

^Yea, I will.

And yea, I know.

Camarac=Baron.

Far from hating this, I did enjoy it. Like I said, the cadence and word choice is a strong point of yours, but the content in this was no-where near what you've done in other pieces, or the form you showed to win those two titles. I hold a huge respect for you Nique, I wouldnt hate ona piece just for the sake of it, I did actually enjoy the read BUT I figured a reply pointing out the negatives, from a fellow experienced writer, would help you far more than me quoting the same lines as everyone else and saying "Dope". Feel me?

Like I said in my initial post, take it as was intended. And furthermore- would someone who didnt enjoy the read take the time to write out a lengthy response like mine was, when they could simply of clicked 'back' and entered one of the hundreads of newbie pieces in here to hate on?! Think about it.

I am NOT a senseless hater, just tryna give you a little advice on what to work on. :^)