Fallen Soldiers

Distrot disgruntled devestasted men on the dusty Iraqi soil
Promising plans of progression but smoking guns put their plans to foil
BOOM BOOM BOOM is the ear shattering sounds of missles
“Cover Me” the sergeant yells rushing in with only his heart and his pistols
all of a sudden as the heavy clouds of smoke clear, the sergeant is down
“NO” a angry sobbin soldier says cryin at the gruesome site he found
blood from his mangled intestines stained the around the sergeant
he puts the soldier over his shoulder, running not caring who harms him
as he continues to run in his now blood stained tattered uniform
for the love of his country and not fearing death that’s what he’s doing it for
all of a sudden in the blink of an eye the brave soldier gets shot
BAM BAM BAM is the sound of bullets leaving the shell lead freshly hot
“FUCK” the frustrated soldier yells as he trys to continue to run
flash back of his earlier days as a youth when they tought being a soldier was fun
tradegy stricken, remembering the days when he was innocent and his heart was colder
but now since he wanted to be a hero for his country, he is one of many fallen soldiers

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You used some big words here, and in some parts them words fucked the flow of the piece up. This was a good read though, You stayed on topic prety well through the whole thing. Like i said before some parts flowed well and others didnt. Structure was pretty good, it could have been better. Good wordplay, Metaphors were also pretty good. I feel that you could have came with a little more emotion in some please, and it could have used a little more imegry. Overall this was a nice read. 7/10


Leave feed on the link in my sig please.

aight thanks i returned the favor

Up1 damn i never get no feedback on my pieces

up2

Sorry about lack of feedback from other ppl. I also have that problem. But, the more you comment on other people's work, which is what everyone on this site wants, the more often you will have people reciprocate and leave feedback on yours.

I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but the other guy pretty much nailed what my problems with the piece were- basically, the story was very good and some parts of it flowed much better than others. Some of the word choices took away from the rhythm of the piece, but I think the story itself carried the piece.

Keep storytelling, be more careful with word choices, and keep up.

I liked this read. The wordplay and vocab brought out alot of imagery and emotion. I liked how you spoke of iraq as well. I liked the rhyme scheme an the overall originallity of this. Then ending was good as well. Way to conclude the story an end the image. Keep this up my friend.

thank you for the feedback. i will keep on continueing to elevate

first off this is really good and has great imagery right off bat
and the story of war i found exciting and worth a read
you used good vocabulary and had anice flow in this write
the structure was really good overall the 2nd best thing i've read all day good drop

thanks Lw for the feedback

up3

this was overall a nice pice some you could break buds on

i would say it a 8.5/10 its got good meaning and everything
and good lyric's

thanks man

This was good, i mean the bare essence was good and the hwole topic could have been better. However, you made quite a couple of spelling mistakes and sudden and short changes in the hrymescheme which ruined the flow and style fo the piece. REgardless, i have to say you have tried as i can see progress by you using alliteration to make the piece more interesting and yeah it was better. You could use alliterated words instead of using words like bam or bang for bullet sounds na mean. Overall, this was a good effort..Stay up.

thanks yeah i tried sum alliteration

This was a nice read, the topic was a bit played. But a good read nevertheless. The piece was nice, didn't always flow from line to line, but the vocab was there, the imagery was there, and it just went together well for a nice enjoyable read. They will tell this story for generations to come I'm sure, just not in rhyme form :)

Nice drop, keep writing. :2thumb:

ok first of all some lines were stretched, the read can usually tell a verse is gonna be stretched on a forum like this when the person who posted it use a small font, people have been using the user a smaller font to make it look like the lines arent stretched technique for ages, lol.. sure it makes it look like its not stretched, but it doesnt matter how it looks, anyways this wasnt bad, had its moments, people write about soldier stuff all the time though so it was hard to get into this since i expected some of the things that were said to be said before I even read it. word of advice though, for a piece like this thats a pretty sad one, you shouldnt use curses in it, it changes the mood. usually curses in pieces give them a less serious look and feel. keep dropping

ok david ill take ur advice

Yeah, this was a sick experience of a soldiers worst nightmare. In the middle of combat and a man is down next to you...do you help him, or save yourself...real shit. The imagery was awesome in this piece fo real, was like a short movie...and the flow was straight through, UNTIL, around the last 4 lines, I got lost...but still caught the ending in the last line. Vocab and word placement was good, wouldnt change nothin. Good job, keep writin.

thanks man

uppin

uppin