The Public Execution

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July 17th, 2006, 12:05 PM
P. Mortuus

The Public Execution

The Public Execution

“I shall not need the head cloth; I want to see the world before I die”

My decomposing carcass will be prey to vultures; the ulcers
Begin to clandestinely erode the core that stored the lore
Burn body burn, begin the penultimate firework display
Lay the lay workers to rest as the bloody butcher behests
Me to lie on my knees with my head forward on the gap
They then strap my hands and people start to clap, clap
At the show of whom they believe is worthy of death
By decapitation they wish to steal the zeal of my last breath

“I shall lie down and laugh at the irony of what is to be”

The drought of woodworms was not to be, they chewed in extreme ecstasy
Me the man now the dunce, being tested and tasted by worms in abundance
The cold steel of the knights armour mocked as my head locked steadfastly
Locked in the lock that locks the fate now unlocked to show no penance

“Let me see my reaper”

I have one chance to look and so I look at the face displayed as an open book
The man operating the hook that will bring this crook to the reaper in the nook
I see with clarity and as I see I vision the demonist regime striking at my head
Eyes were closed but then they opened them, to see the look of a man who’s dead

"..."

http://tn3-2.deviantart.com/300W/ima...e/f/Terror.jpg
July 17th, 2006, 12:07 PM
P. Mortuus

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301570
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301458
July 17th, 2006, 12:44 PM
[©Merked You®]™

Quote:

At the show of whom they believe is worthy of death
By decapitation they wish to steal the zeal of my last breath

very nice drop here pak but its not nearly the best ive seen of you...u lacked multies on some lines but meh u came up with the flow was didnt fall much....strutre was very good i like how u did it....this was a very creative drop i must say i dont read shit like this often but when i do im impressed and i deff think that your becoming of the best topical writers on this site...good drop...
July 17th, 2006, 12:45 PM
P. Mortuus

Yeah preciate the honest feed bloodz, checked your lwork, it was very goo, stay up
July 17th, 2006, 03:02 PM
P. Mortuus

Uppin'
July 17th, 2006, 04:20 PM
P. Mortuus

Before i go.....^
July 17th, 2006, 04:24 PM
The Vortex

OH YEAH!.crazy mettas n aliterations. rythm is str8 smooth on this joint. ill have to read it some more later when am chillin n get back to you some more. coz it appears you poured out the artistic cup on this peice and its not a quick one to read
shit is str7 tite n neat tho

imma holla bak still

glimpse this joint on the way out

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301704

peace
July 17th, 2006, 04:56 PM
P. Mortuus

Preciate it V, i'll check up ya linkage tommorow no doubt.
July 17th, 2006, 05:30 PM
Witty

sorry about taking so long to get to this dude, I was quite busy, you know how it is.

anywayz, here's what I thought of this:
yet another very good peice from you dude, I was really feeling this one, your metaphors are what made this peice dope in my opinion, they were fucking crazy dude lol and they flowed very well too. The storyline was great I loved the read, it was very descriptive and you showed that you are on top of your game at the minute dude. Like Vortex said, this peice wasn't one that I could leave feed on after only one read, I read this peice three time, that's not a complaint or a criticism, it shows that this peice is extremely complex. And by the way I didn't mind reading it more than once because it was a very enjoyable read and I could have read it about five hundred times before getting even the slightest bit bored, (ok maybe that was a bit of an exxageration) lol. as I've said before you always drop solid OMs in this forum and I can see you elevating a lot with every peice, pretty soon you're going to be right up there with the best my man. Keep at it, I love reading your peices and watching you elevating, and I will continue to do so. Props
July 17th, 2006, 05:33 PM
P. Mortuus

Preciate the commetns, Thanks...good to see you enjoyed it, stay up.
July 17th, 2006, 06:14 PM
Witty

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301715

hit that up please
July 17th, 2006, 10:23 PM
P. Mortuus

checked^
July 18th, 2006, 02:38 AM
P. Mortuus

Uppin'
July 18th, 2006, 09:35 AM
P. Mortuus

58 views when you view view and leave a clue so know that view was from you.
.
.
Basically, leave me some comments lol ^
July 18th, 2006, 10:42 AM
mc pyro.

yo this was good drop the topic was good you always present something that is different and dope no change with this one saw some great metas in there great job with that the flow changed up a little bit but nothing to serious the structure was complex and that was interesting and the rhyme scheme was original just like the structure also nice vocab in there overall 9/10 stay up
leave feed on my om aproaching night
July 18th, 2006, 11:37 AM
P. Mortuus

coolio i'll do that.
July 18th, 2006, 04:01 PM
The Vortex

yeah f'sho nice intro. dope layout. PO.

vocab was interesting to see. . aliteration use was SIC. gave the flow mad bounce!...
had sum tite rythyms and many flows was coming thru STRONG .yeah expressive to the point.. yeah i see u was fukkin with sum internal rhymes here and there. could of been a touch mo titer on where the inners was landing i reckon. but yeah imagery was crystal and this piece dropped well and poetic f'sho. the end line was ok but could of ended on a touch more creative tone in a sense. i dunno something kind of made the end seem basic in rhymes and also in thought compared with the rest of the piece.
pz1
July 18th, 2006, 04:07 PM
P. Mortuus

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vortex

yeah f'sho nice intro. dope layout. PO.

vocab was interesting to see. . aliteration use was SIC. gave the flow mad bounce!...
had sum tite rythyms and many flows was coming thru STRONG .yeah expressive to the point.. yeah i see u was fukkin with sum internal rhymes here and there. could of been a touch mo titer on where the inners was landing i reckon. but yeah imagery was crystal and this piece dropped well and poetic f'sho. the end line was ok but could of ended on a touch more creative tone in a sense. i dunno something kind of made the end seem basic in rhymes and also in thought compared with the rest of the piece.
pz1

Preciate iti had to somehow connect the end with the image and that was all i felt then but yeah there is something missing, thee wordding or something is awkard in the end...good to see you saw it...Vortex i want ya in Written Voices.
July 18th, 2006, 08:30 PM
Kalos Graphē

Sexy drop pak my man sexy drop... I liked the topic, it wasnt played, but still it wasnt very original either. but you did really well on this topic... in my opinion this wasnt your best performance ever but it still was outstanding in my eyes... i would really have liked 2 see a bit more length to it so you could get really in depth and create a better story line and imagry.. but for the length that you have used, it was outstanding in the imagry category... Your vocabulary was sophisticated as usual and you had nice descriptive words in there... The structure and flow was on point like always... youre rhymes and multis were good, but not the best i have ever seen from you, but i am always left awestruck whenever i see your original and clever rhymescheme... metaphors and wordplay were very good in this piece, and you put many clever tricks to it.. the only thing i think you could have improved on in this specific piece was the emotion.. in my opinion it seemed to lack emotion, and this topic could have been so deep if you wanted it to be..

all in all good drop though.. keep it up man and hit me up with a topic 2 collab on... i wanna work on my "abstract" writing.
July 19th, 2006, 01:05 AM
2hot2handle

It was cool. I like the fact you know these difficult words. Just dont become obsessed with difficult words cause it sometimes doesnt sound right like in ya first verse. Ya vocab was good but att parts seemed like u overdid it. Nice story line and topic was nice. The imagery was there but Id like to see some more emotion and improvisation on ya flow.
July 19th, 2006, 07:36 AM
P. Mortuus

coolio, preciate the pointers......Ta2 i checked your verse for colab, it was good.
July 19th, 2006, 03:42 PM
P. Mortuus

Preciate all the coments and no moer dogs need to comment now as i have understood the main flaws of this piece thanks to the pointers of the readers and responders. Thanks you all once again....time for this piece to rest.
July 19th, 2006, 04:17 PM
The Vortex

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pakaveli

Preciate iti had to somehow connect the end with the image and that was all i felt then but yeah there is something missing, thee wordding or something is awkard in the end...good to see you saw it...Vortex i want ya in Written Voices.

"wording"...?.. yeah its a matter of minority

Eyes were closed but then they opened them, to see the look of a man who’s dead

could easily become...

Eyes closed, but then they opened-up seeing the look of a man laying dead

because who’s deadmakes it a question in properly executed grammer, like who's dead?

.note i also made a couple other slight changes. ha

so lay dead, or something similar will also add a slight imagery effect. We can now picture this man laying dead, instaed of thinking... is he dead?

peace