The wind that blows the barley

The Wind that blows the barley
http://static.flickr.com/22/29985830_8732170822_m.jpg

Sinking to its knees in the gale
The barley meekly bows to the ground
Its attempts at liberation have failed
For the squall that sweeps is profound

With this very depiction in his head
Of the barley, purely a servant to the breeze
The memory of his father shot dead
His disposition abruptly begins to freeze
As he falls to his knees and grieves
Among the fallen leafs

Six years ago this very day
His life was unexpectedly malformed
On the wooden floor his father lay
At the beginning of the storm
The gusto clawed at the windows
As time froze, in his blood soaked clothes
The sound of his final breath
Smothered by crows

Sixteen years old, he stands alone
An outsider to this milieu
They will pay for the seeds they have sown
On the night the wind blew
He charged in to the house, unconfined a shout
And blew out, the occupants in the building

He unveiled his mask with a grin, and a laugh
Echoing from wall to wall
For he had got his revenge at last
In a blood-filled brutal maul
The bomb had been blown
And his targets were dead or dying
All that was heard was a piteous moan
And the far-flung din of a baby crying

His vengeance had been sweet, he cherished this night
In his soul, there was a full flung party
As he stood over the furrowed men, like
The wind that blows the barley

This was a great imagery read and story telling went beyond imagination very astonishing my dude...very well done....i liked your set ups on wordplays/,ulties and metz nothin forced all went well and meshed in together!

:2thumb:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...87#post4719887

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...12#post4719912

up.

This was a little bit diffrent than what I'm used to, so forgive me if the feed sucks. I didn't really grasp the concept that you were trying to get to because of the flaws. I just saw a few, but this was a fairly short piece. Like in the first two stanza's, you used "knee's" repeativly. Try to find synonyms. But beside the fact that you had flaws, it was a nice piece. Maybe next time you should spend a little more effort and time into your pieces, this one seemed a little rushed. Don't freak out, everyone makes mistakes. But overall I'd have to say nice little read. Keep writing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jonathon

This was a little bit diffrent than what I'm used to, so forgive me if the feed sucks. I didn't really grasp the concept that you were trying to get to because of the flaws. I just saw a few, but this was a fairly short piece. Like in the first two stanza's, you used "knee's" repeativly. Try to find synonyms. But beside the fact that you had flaws, it was a nice piece. Maybe next time you should spend a little more effort and time into your pieces, this one seemed a little rushed. Don't freak out, everyone makes mistakes. But overall I'd have to say nice little read. Keep writing.

---

thanks dude,but I only used the word knees twice....but yea it was 10 min shit...I'm having serious problems with my writing at the moment

upping

upping this for my dude!

IFrst and foremost...has this got anything to do with that new irish based film, "The wind that shakes the barley" lol..

This was written well, the kid being imagarised into a lone barley plant thing was good. There were parts in which you would talk with imagery which i liked. However, you have tryed to reach out to a style which is maybe incipient to you, though it's good as i beilieve a person should try all styles. Overall, this was a good read but we both know that you will up this in your next OM/Poetic piece...Stay uppin'

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pakaveli

IFrst and foremost...has this got anything to do with that new irish based film, "The wind that shakes the barley" lol..

This was written well, the kid being imagarised into a lone barley plant thing was good. There were parts in which you would talk with imagery which i liked. However, you have tryed to reach out to a style which is maybe incipient to you, though it's good as i beilieve a person should try all styles. Overall, this was a good read but we both know that you will up this in your next OM/Poetic piece...Stay uppin'

---

word dude.....I liked the name of that film, but I changed the name, nothing to do with the film, I just heard that title and thought I could write my own peice with the same title (with a slight alteration) thanks for the feed

yeah coo lil poem. seems out of place to om if u ask me. there's a mpoetry section for this joint........

but yeah mos def good. if u wrote from the picture u sure made a lot of it. good quality rythm was easy to follow....yeah had plenty of forward movement. imagery was solid

interesting poem

1

thanks dude

uppin

Good shit..

very original with a dope rhymescheme and imagery was on point. It was a smooth read with a nice story-line. the words used to rhyme were pretty rarely rhymed words for the most part.


this part stood out to, nice imagery...

Quote:

---

Six years ago this very day
His life was unexpectedly malformed
On the wooden floor his father lay
At the beginning of the storm
The gusto clawed at the windows
As time froze, in his blood soaked clothes
The sound of his final breath
Smothered by crows

---

Please return the feed-back in my "im sarcastic and coronas are healthy" piece. thanks.

ok thanks I'll get to that ASAp

uppin

short and dope i really like this piece it had some nice flow, multies were there it wasent to complex but still had nice rhyming a pretty played topic but u still made it look really nice but the best thing of the whole drop was the imagery good drop homie sorry bout the short feed....

thanks dude

hit this for me:)
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301605

I'll hit that up ASAP

uppin

okay, pretty cool little peice this was.. rhyme sceme was on point here.. also i felt the topic you wrote on was original, quite a smooth read with a nice storyline, was easy to follow.. flow i felt could of been a bit better in some places, also i felt you cold've used better wording on some lines.. and also could've come with a lil more complex vocab, it seemed a lil basic.. but other than that this peice was fine :)
i liked these.

Six years ago this very day
His life was unexpectedly malformed
On the wooden floor his father lay
At the beginning of the storm
The gusto clawed at the windows
As time froze, in his blood soaked clothes
The sound of his final breath
Smothered by crows