Diary of a Western Bandit

Diary of a Western Bandit




January 23, 1867

Today I start my journey becoming independent, starting a brand new life
No more wife and kids and taking care of peasants, now I end all that stife

December 24, 1847

My goal is to find my inner soul and live a free man
Excuse me, I did not properly introduce myself, my name is Dan
I grew up raised on a farm, milking cows until my dad broke my arm
A few days later I asked my mother for a favor, gave me the key to the barn
She told me I could take the tracter to the doctor so I could heal
Not knowing I wouldn't return home I stopped and picked some veal
And when I got to the doctor he told me I need a shilling to seal the deal
I told him I would kill em' if he didn't fix me up, and of course he sqealed
So I grab the doctors blade and I slice his face
He bleeds uncontrollably and reaches for his suitcase
But I sliced his neck before his hand could even leave its place
My jaw dropped for what i've just done, now I must leave w/o a trace
The Sheriff of Death Valley arrived at the shack looking for me
But I escaped out the back window so now I couldn't see
What was in back of me because i've now committed a felony
Then a boy walks in front of me and stares hard with jelousy
I run so far where there were no trace of a single car
I've ran so far, I then thought I neighbored the North Star
So I fall asleep with no supper with my stomach growling
With no idea where I was I heard wolf's prowling


December 25, 1847


I awake the next morning to see a woman mourning
Crying painfully, and still I don't ask why is it her tears are pouring
I walk up next to her and ask her what is wrong with her health
She tells me her husband died and now she couldn't carry herself
"He was a doctor, and the finest i've ever seen"
And the lady goes on about how his eyes were green
Then she has a heart-attack right in front of my eyes
I couldn't help her, and now an innocent woman dies
So much for my x-mas, now I play with my present
The only one I got was the one of a dead peasent


January 22, 1867

I have a new family now, two girls and a spouse
A new job at the mill bought us our own house
We live happily until a man arrives at our door
My daughter opens and the man calls her a whore
She crys and runs to her mother, as I prepare for war
Aim my rifle at his heart and it tips the core
He falls and screams all in a single rush
My daughers start crying and my wife tells them to hush
I grip my head in shock because I've taken another soul
A dead body rests on my doorstep, now I feel like a troll
Me and the Mrs. bury the body in the back behind a bush
About 300lbs. of human me and her had to push
A few hours later, I grab my wife and take her
Yell at her in front of the children, and then a raped her
Now my life falls apart in the dark silence it is
I pack my bag and leave the house without the kids
.................................................. ...........................

-Dan Richmond

Links


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301410
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301391

ok now upping for some decent feed!

again, uppin 4 some feed yo.....dam

This would be decent in the short stories area... the rhyme scheme is simplicit, and it fell of beat a couple of times. Your vocab seems forced in a few area's as well. The story you went was decent, I liked how it contains the whole cause and effect relationship in life. Overall it was a decent drop.

ok thx, uppin for some more feed

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silent_Killa911

ok now upping for some decent feed!

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LMAO. You want decent feed but the feed you've let on your two links is merely a fragment of a sentence. Please.

lol ha.............i know shush......i will leave better feed

hmm.. that was okay for your first OM.. decent topic, kinda hickish lol but w/e suits ya i guess. Good story telling in this piece, you had a decent plot and good character developpement and ish, that part was nice.. structure was ok.. flow for the most part was good, though i did see it fall off at times. the rhymes were good but you really need to work on your multis.. i saw almost no multis in there at all and to me that is an essential part of one's piece... also the vocabulary was very juvenile and did not aid in the imagry one bit, i'd advise you to really work on upping your vocabulary alot... and with the lack of vocabulary came a severe lack of emotion, though i think that had to do with the topic partailly... so see how important your vocabulary is? choose your words wisely.... still this was not a bad piece for your first attempt..

all in all, good effort here but you came up a little short.. keep working on it though. if you wouldnt mind, hit my OM As The Petals Fall man, and pay attention to my multis and vocabulary

thanks.

igiht thatnks yo, and i will hit ur om up when i get the time to..........uppin 4 feed

TAYTaY!

I could see what you were trying to do with the topic, but it seemed as if you didn't have the writing skills to pull it off. That's understandable though, considering it's your first OM. The vocabulary was bit weak, which sort of made the piece feel shallow.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SK911

So I grab the doctors blade and I slice his face
He bleeds uncontrollably and reaches for his suitcase
But I sliced his neck before his hand could even leave its place
My jaw dropped for what i've just done, now I must leave w/o a trace

---

That was terrible wording and explaining of an action. I could tell you forced your rhyming, which is the worst thing a writer can do. Also, don't focus completely on the rhyming. Diff. People have diff. styles, so hopefully you'll develop your own unique style. The strongest point of this was the imagery, which I could see you really focused on. I'm not saying it was amazing, but I can see that you have potential...

ok thx man.......upppin

feed me! :cussing:

link me

more feed please, i know i owe some, and i WILL get to em

ok i guess no moe feedy on my first om.

this was a real interesting piece here. never read anything like it. your vocab was good and your structure was decent. I never really read an OM but i like the whole set up. good read here homie.

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