Society ( Pakiveli and A.O.D )

You're stuck and you can not see, the place is so dark that it gets hard to breathe
From the top to the bottom, it fly's through my thoughts... its meant to be
Surround your wisdom around what's meant for me and run for your safety
Everything's drifting, and the hypnotic sound is silent yet piercing
The urban is collapsing like a permanent plague hold steady to the night
Acidic rain closes in on culture like a vague vulture it'll become UN clear
You'll open your eyes for a brief second to see the light, but shut them in fear
Nothing can stop it; we will all stare at our neighbors in a silent pain
Truths rape our children, while you didn't know you were part of there gain
You fall into the world of pretend; you'll close your eyes and its dark again
I become nauseated from the sound and society now depends on the separation within
From the middle to the end and from now until then...we contimplate where it all would begin.
.
.
Test of tests release the best in best men's minds that leave doubt behind
The grind of bones jingle in my ears as I look behind get guards to cover the hind
Quarters, the guards are flesh of my flesh blood of my blood, my demon peeks
The peak of madness descends on the socialite and his worst nightmares speaks
You have committed an act of shame; the squalid tentacles of doubt grip me
They show adversaries who never outdone me, the way I cleansed my history
Now as a man who in the brink of War looks on the united men to provide shelter
Hears the reverberation of turrets of speech that blame and welter the ways
The swayed grounds shift their weight and show a haste to represent distaste
The apartheid regains the segregate, segments that became labelled fragments
Augments that complimented women's jewellery became the men's war fragrance
The last meal was that of bread and water and that only because of the society
I do not detest the modern ways, yet the deity had told me that this isn't morality
In its highest and dead militia will rise to prise the tridents from the performers
That are now known as the democrats and liberals, our very own modern reformers

Pakiveli=Blue
A.O.D=Purple





http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...02#post4703402
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...09#post4703409

very well done you two very well done... it was a good topic in general, though slightly played, but still unique in it's own way... alright:

A.O.D. To start off, girl you had an amazing flow, though the structure didnt look so pretty in my mind, but your flow remained consistent... very well done verse all together, your rhymes were very complex and difficult, although i didnt see much multis in your piece, so i suggest you work on those... but the rhymescheme was unique and inventful, that was good to see... i absolutely loved the wordplay and metaphors in your piece especailly, they really seamed to stick out in my mind and were very refreshing to read... your vocab was elevated like always, and the imagry was great... there was a lack of emotion displayed in this piece, but that's probably in the result of the topic... all in all good verse keep it up

pak- you had an outstanding verse aswell... you had an amazing rhymescheme and showed a great use of multis... i love how you can start off with a rhyme and run with it and place it in 4-6 times in a bar... its really good to see that... you were lacking emotion in this piece as well pak, but like i said to A.O.D, it's probably because of the topic, because i cannot see how one could put alot of emotion into this topic... your wordplay and metaphors were absolutely outstanging in this piece, and with the two of yours combined it made this to be a very nice verse... a refreshing read for sure... your vocab was very elevated as usual pak, but on this piece it seemed like u went a little over the top... in my opinion it seemed like you clustered to many big words together and it effected the flow... that was your only fault on this verse...

all in all amazing work from the two of you... keep it up for real... if y'all feel energetic, you can hit up my OM Peaceful Storm... but its kinda long so you might not feel like it...

~1~

i'll get at ya piece as sson as possible, preciate the comments and stay up

Thank you Ta2, its really appreciated...most def I'll hit up your peice, I enjoy a good lengthy peice on occasion.

haha if u say so.. im warning u tho, i mad def read it then he got mad at me and wants 2 boot me in the nuts...

Lol, bloodz gets mad at things for no reason na mean

A.O.D- ur flow was str8, flowed through the whole way, and that is hard for me to do, but i liked ur rhymescheme, and ur choice of words, vocab was on point, and very intense, i liked the multies ur peice contained, and the outstanding wordplay, but ur peice could've flowed up to 10x better, with more multies in there, but not bad, and i liked, ur verse overal rate 7.9/10

pakaveli- nice verse, very mind grasping', this is a good verse to drag the reader in, comin' off of a good 1st verse from ur partner, then str8 into another good one, not one fall off, nice use of multies to get the flow going even better, but it was good the way u could go with one word for so long like that, very nice peice and keep it up, ur verse overal rate 8.5/10

Appreciate the comments, thanks.

Uppin'

This was a nice piece. Pak's verse came off as very strong. That's the most flow I've seen you use to date, in terms of rhymes and fluidity of content. Sometimes I kind of get off vibes from your writing but this time I was just completely with it and really enjoyed your section alot. Great sequencial imagery, emotion was cool, overall a really nice verse man. AOD, although you did have nice flow in a rhythmical sense alot of your wording was off so the subject matter kind of came to a hault a few times which really stood out because Pak really came on point with his section. Overall as a collab this was nice, the verse were pretty cohesive, I would have like to see them flow into eachother alittle better but it was still at a respectable standard. Lol, font color kind of bothered me, personally I just like Regular and Ittalics to differentiate between writers; also, next time put the key above the piece so people know who's writing what before hand... Other wise it's alittle confusing. Nice job, later kids.

Thanks for the feed.

Preciate it, thanks for the comments

Bang Bang...I shot you up

wow... that was perfect.. i felt everything about this expecialy the topic. im with yall. lyricly outstanding it flowed like water when i read it..
insane drop...keep it up

Thanks preciate the comments

Thank you everyone. :)

yeah coo yo worked it well together. aod seemed to have a few toooo long lines. oversyllabled. which is easy to lose the flow on.. rhymes and emotion .wording and delivery was hoTT tho f'sho........structure was str8 part from a slight glich, 1 line.ha

text was used well.....vocab was illy..........keep raising the flow.

yeah pak had some illy mettas. nice sounds and visionary amages poppin the set up f'sho.dpused in poetic delivery........ flo was illy too in this ish ...........part from say a few more internal activity would carry such long lines some more and keep them alive .....

yeah coo writes f'shp

stay da fuk up

1

Preciate it dog, thanks.

Uppin'

uppity sup

:) ^ What he said. :)

^What she said

Uppin'

Ver y nice piece here I have to say. One of the more better read's. Both had a nice flow through out which it seemed very focused on. I would'nt have expected nothing less either coming from both of you. Nice topic to go off with. Somewhat very creative. Nice way to stick to it also. Could have worked on imagery a slightly bit better but other than that I have to say this was nice overall. Nice meta's were also used here & alot of god use of vocab. Nicely done. But what seemed not to catch my interest was the font color. I don't really see a point in it. But other than that the read was nice.

-Infamouz.

Thanks preciate the comments, as for font colours, well they an added attraction lol

One more comment and then i'm letting this rest, so uppin'