The Cookie Jar

A topical battle but i want some real feed on it so im puttin it in here

The Cookie Jar
(A Love Song)

The child entered the kitchen, mischievously creeping in slowly
For upon the counter, behold, the cookie jar rested, sleeping so holy
His emotions seeping out wholly, his actions overtaken by anxiety
No consequences seemed to come to mind during this forsaken propriety
His heart screams for the cookie, his gut says no need to debate
Even though dinner is coming, and his mother says he has to wait
The feeling of hunger and longing enters him emitting a presence of strangers
He sets his eyes on the adventure, the lustful present of danger
His stomach aching, he is making his way over, shaking his fist
For the task was nearly impossible, should he be taking the risk?
What's so bad about this, why is he told no, he is doing no bloody wrong!
He looks at the towering counter, how can he reach it with his stubby arms?
His insisting yet resisting stomach was twisting as he began to reach
Sense of freedom, knocking down barriers, and all closed doors he ran to breach
His conscience screams, telling him to turn back, it's man against himself
He could sense he was near his prize, as his hand was upon the shelf
Tippie-toed, his hand approached, but he was only able to scratch the surface
He was not able to grasp the jar, nor could he grasp his purpose
.
.
.
He decided he'd have to eat it later, so he found a place to wait and sit
Waiting... waiting... waiting... is that all that is to remain of our relationship?

Link 1
Link 2

wow rb im disappointed... 2 hours and nothing yet? common lets see some feed!

My highlights:

Quote:

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His stomach aching, he is making his way over, shaking his fist
For the task was nearly impossible, should he be taking the risk?

---

Quote:

---

His insisting yet resisting stomach was twisting as he began to reach
Sense of freedom, knocking down barriers, and all closed doors he ran to breach
His conscience screams, telling him to turn back, it's man against himself
He could sense he was near his prize, as his hand was upon the shelf

---

Well done, I liked quite a bit out of this piece. Only oddity was some of the four or more syllabled words that stretched the lines out a little longer then I'd of liked. If you notice I've picked some of the lines that used simpler language, which kept rhyme flowing nicely. Lines like this:

Quote:

---

His emotions seeping out wholly, his actions overtaken by anxiety
No consequences seemed to come to mind during this forsaken propriety

---

Tend to upset me. The "big" words are kind of encroaching upon the line, if you will.

The topic was definitely different, though I don't really get that this is a love song, unless you mean in the sense of a child's love for a cookie. All in all, I enjoyed this, but it is choppy at points.

lol kay i didnt kno if ne1 would understand... u have 2 look deep in2 it 2 discover the purpose... focus on the last line.... this whole piece is one big metaphor, and you can take out of it what you want but here's my point of view on it...:

I extract moments of my life and put it in2 metaphors and use it in my pieces... now in this piece, the little boy represents me (or the reader if you will)... now the cookie jar represents the love of the boy, but sadly the cookie jar is out of reach, meaning that the love cannot b expressed... now the words of his mother "You will have to wait" is more personal, because i was just told that by this girl im trying 2 hook up wit... cuz it's not the right time... i didnt expect many people to understand this... really the only ones who completely and fully understand it is me and the girl im talking about...

Let me sttart off by saying ill concept and scheme..lo very creative and distinctive.. big plus...flow and structure were very clean and easy to follow..vocab was kinda basic and there wasnt that much complexity but dont think that made it bad cause its still ill imagery was probly ur highlight u made every thing so descriptive i felt word for word and visuaklized ur lines.

very nice very nice indeed keep shyt commin fam...lookin forward to a part 2 to this

haha well hopefully, after she reads this, the cookie jar wont b outta reach and there would b no need 4 part 2... but we'll just have 2 wait nd c... thanks 4 da feed tho appreciate it

very well done. nice to see written voices doing it big!..LOL str8 up. well nice creativity though sometimes i was thrown off but still nice overall. concept and originality stood out here..the multies metaz and emotions that were all implied into this one nicely structured READ is great. i enjoyed reading this piece TA2.


RTF on the links in my sig please.

aight i will do that in a quick sec here...

i like the metaphor. very original twist to a sort of common topic. starting off i actually thought you were talking about a kid and a cookie jar but it all came together in the end. the imagery was exceptional, not perfect, but good. vocab was only average at best, didn't use much complexity in the words you chose but the contexts and the ways you used them actually added more complexity. i think the last line was the best because it switched the whole meaning of the om. very good job man.

-Onus

good someone actually knew wut it was about... wow im shocked lol

thanks upp

wow the deep meaning behind this is so good... i liked what u did here, the concept was great and the whole piece is like an analogy.. it's much more than just about a kid tryna get a cookie. the rhymescheme was nice, it flowed very well but some lines felt stretched unless if u rhyme it on audio u do some lines fast. but yeah overall nice shit.

please return the favor in the link of my sig my "sarcastic" piece would like some feed-back. thanks.

This is a nice, seemingly shallow but good piece. I thought you were going to write about some boring kiddy story, but it turned out to have a deeper meaning. Your vocabulary was nice in this piece, and I noted your attempt at multis, and they didn't fail. You seem like the kind of writer that can take a thin topic and stretch it so it's interesting on the eyes of a reader.

Nice job.

Thanks 4 da feed i'll rtf on your pieces in a quick sec here...

feeeed it... thankya

im sorry but



THAT WAS TOTATALLY WICKED!
lol

nice shit..i liked the vocab and wordplay
nice metas and mutlies..also a vgery nice
flow..sorry i cant break it down..cuz all
of it was hot
overall=9.8/10..very hot drop

9.8?!?!?! ima kill u u bitch! higher! higher! HIGHER!!!! lol 9.85 would b nice...

upp

lmfao^^^

I think this is the shortest piece I have seen by you. :\

This is filled with originality and creativity. I absolutley love the way you were able to describe his hunger for the damn cookies lol. You use of descriptive again kept the imagery up to par so to speak. Nice work... again. :rolleyes: j/p

A.O.D ur my fav... u always leave me feed... thanks