Infective War

http://webclipart.about.com/library/Menu/aids7.gif

Infection

The lone being saunters in the sand of this ethereal land
Falling at the foot of creatures that should be at his command
The inner demons slaver on precious juices making them bland
The naïve knights of the inner defences were worked up to be grand
.
Though when the battalions of flaws fed on the revered red cells
The defences fell, the body of the eternal being dealt a day in hell
Timeless tissues isolated into acquiescence to eradicate the being
“Where art thou oh benevolent one, are you still All seeing?
.
The crux of endless pits appear to drive the inhabitants out
The outer body perplexed by flocks of demon starts to shout
Shout at the messages of distress placed by the inner lout
Assailants intoxicated by gratification in winning the bout
.
The Pallid cells of the body struggle for the smuggled bay
However, the plan fails as did the defences against the plague
The Invaders pleasuring in the fruits that lord had not set for them
Mocking the famed barricades of the highest creation called men
.
Women too, succumbed to the vigour of the worldly sin
Then you tell me, we weren’t weak from the very beginning

*Waits For 2 Links*

This was good. The imagery was good as well as the emotion. The flow was steady and wording was good. I liked the creatures t his command..................made me think of "My precious" lol. Overall this was good bro.

& poetic shut up.

Linkages:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299106
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...97#post4678697

This creativity and imaginary was good. The wordplay was nice and aahd a good flow to follow up..The structre was ok but I felt the topic was kinda played. Alot of people use war as a topic. But other then the played topic it was good. 9-10.

~Leximus

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Poetic Killer

This creativity and imaginary was good. The wordplay was nice and aahd a good flow to follow up..The structre was ok but I felt the topic was kinda played. Alot of people use war as a topic. But other then the played topic it was good. 9-10.

~Leximus

---

misunderstood it the topic isn't war as in humans, it's aids and the infection attaking the human body. I'v just personified it.

any comments

Tight piece, the opening lines caught my eye because of the multies, and the dope vocabulary. the overall vocabulary was quite interesting. the rhyme scheme was original, but it was a little bit simple, not too my liking as much as others were, anymore, the topic was a little original, still been used a couple times though.. decent piece

anyway, hit up "Tomborrow"

thanks

precaite it.

a penny for your thoughts

This was a real cool piece. Those whole thing was a giant metaphor for the most part which, naturally gave me a boner. I really liked how nothing felt forced, and everything ran very fluently. Not only in terms of flow and rhyming, but more importantly, contectualy the piece moved very seamlessly. Couple with a strong and organized flow this was a very easy read. The only complaint that I have, is alot of times I still get a newb vibe from your work and I think I finally figured out why... You have a tendancy to use the same vocab in all your pieces, and you word things alot similar to the way everyone else does. I think if you really started to word your lines more creatively, that would be that last step of elevation for you. Your wording is really the only thing left that could use another step up. So, great piece man, I really enjoyed the read... Try and work on your wording for the next piece, Im interested to see how it comes out.

Nice job man, this was a bit streched but it flowed well. very poetical kept the vocab there but not over used man. The storyline was good, talkin bout bits of war and how it's infected the world. Nice job with the emotion in there, made me feel intense and shit. you kept a pretty solid read here for me, not to long and shit. Nice job man.

rtf here: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...27#post4682327

I really felt this piece right here.This is on some real shit cuz alot of people are dying from AIDS these days.I really like How you put this piece together.Cuz just Image what Aids really does to you and when you read the piece it basically telling you what it will do to you and you wont notice it.And I really like how he worded he stuff in this piece.And the Emotion in this piece was really strong cuz it makes you feel like its running through your body when you read it.And your structure was good too.And I really liked how you used your vocabulary in this piece.I read alot of pieces from you and liked everyone.Keep up the good work :2thumb:

appreciate the comments, thanks....i will check up all the linkages just bear with me

thanks everyone whos left comments so far, i have checked all yor links but if yi haven't just quote your messsage and leave a link i'll check it out na mean.

Infection

The lone being saunters in the sand of this ethereal land
Falling at the foot of creatures that should be at his command
The inner demons slaver on precious juices making them bland
The naïve knights of the inner defences were worked up to be grand

yeah nice. i prolly would cut a syllable or 2 where possible to sharpen flow n delivery.. ie.defences can become defence.. could starter bars tho..much poetical. i'd be more impressed w/ multies n inners myself. thats me. but rhymes dropped well still


.
Though when the battalions of flaws fed on the revered red cells
The defences fell, the body of the eternal being dealt a day in hell
Timeless tissues isolated into acquiescence to eradicate the being
“Where art thou oh benevolent one, are you still All seeing?

.good couple aliterations mos def are an element that adds to flow..
nice wording n vocab was fresh.......


The crux of endless pits appear to drive the inhabitants out
The outer body perplexed by flocks of demon starts to shout
Shout at the messages of distress placed by the inner lout
Assailants intoxicated by gratification in winning the bout

yeah am feelin da flow of those bars mostly......

The Pallid cells of the body struggle for the smuggled bay
However, the plan fails as did the defences against the plague
The Invaders pleasuring in the fruits that lord had not set for them
Mocking the famed barricades of the highest creation called men

poeticaly nice... metaphoric sicness f'sho.........

.
Women too, succumbed to the vigour of the worldly sin
Then you tell me, we weren’t weak from the very beginning

yeah props to the knowledge and consiousness approach

nice wrriting and poetic melodies......... keep on progressing the flow

pz1

preciate the comments, na mean

yeah i been figuring what adds to flow. i figure. multies. aliterations......internal rhyming.. .syllable control... or even syllables going way out of control can be a flow in itself....... rythym and broken rythm's. also use of vocab and fluent wording.

neway nuff of my babbling

pz

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Vortex

yeah i been figuring what adds to flow. i figure. multies. aliterations......internal rhyming.. .syllable control... or even syllables going way out of control can be a flow in itself....... rythym and broken rythm's. also use of vocab and fluent wording.

neway nuff of my babbling

pz

---

Ya right dog, adding multiples can make a slow flow pump like a hydro...but this was a diff type thing in which i didn't want to add to much multiples, but yeah i will in future pieces na mean, good lookin'

first off, the whole thing flowed great which is a HUGE plus for me, makes it more enjoyable. second, this is a topic i think should be focused on more and you basicly hit it home here. the complexity was exellent, it made me have to read the whole thing to get the WHOLE picture that each line lead to. your vocab was used in the right contexts the whole time which shows more intellegence than alot of people here. i can tell your one of the more knowlegable writers on RB. i think you could have done more with the structure to make it exciting as far as rhyme schem but your flow still worked out perfect. 9.9/10 for me lol. good job man.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Paranoid

Nice job man, this was a bit streched but it flowed well. very poetical kept the vocab there but not over used man. The storyline was good, talkin bout bits of war and how it's infected the world. Nice job with the emotion in there, made me feel intense and shit. you kept a pretty solid read here for me, not to long and shit. Nice job man.

rtf here: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...27#post4682327

---

nicely said i really loved this read. it really got me from start to fisnish man great READ!.

RTF on the links in my sig

Pain you left feed on it at HHS but can ya still feed on it?!..and the second link is my poem please RTF on both

preciate the comments and i'll check out linkages soon

check

yeah linkages all done.

I liked this... the highest skill i noticed was the imagery... that stuck out the most... nice rhymescheme it flowed pretty nice basically an easy smooth read. the concept is a strong one and the idea was very creative and u got in depth... the whole war thing within the infection process was a dope approach.

thanks, preciate the comments.

uppity sup^

uppity sup

Nice to see you elevating on a consistant basis man. Int he bigenning, I thought your work just screamed novice and forced, but now days you are flossing some real nice work. You use of metaphor has grown and the impact those metaphor has on the reader. As far as content, you have been doing it justice, but you still have not went over that hump so to soeak. Something is out of balance ont he whole, and I'm thinking your diction is the issue here. You do use creative concepts and advanced components, but your diction is sort of on the dry side. Either you are being way to conservative, or you are just boxed into a set vocabulary. I doubt the later, so get out there and group words that do more for your imagery and diction. Make your presence felt and get over that last hurdle man. Mix it up and try something new.
Nice read, just wantt o see you dig deep and knock one out the ball park.


Nice way to close up this peice, solid two line closer...

preciate it and i was in a writers bloc before this piece lol, but preciate the comments i'm always tryin ta strive

Good overall message. I like the structure, including the wordplay. It has emotion behind it and the entire piece flowed well.

yep nice work


I liked the way you talked about the danger and used a couple multies you could of flipped a couple lines to make it more interesting and use metafours to elevate the dopeness in the OM
Nice work

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Optical.Illusion

yep nice work


I liked the way you talked about the danger and used a couple multies you could of flipped a couple lines to make it more interesting and use metafours to elevate the dopeness in the OM
Nice work

---

Preciate ya comments, but this whole piece is a large metaphor na mean