Alive In the Jungle [Feat Krack Wit It]

Him = Normal
Me = Bold

She was 16, just seen, walking the bush
Wit schemes, to get green from dudes who offered to push
She lked my style, told her it would be worth her while
Told her I came from a mile, just to see her walk down that green ile
I call it ignorance, which is also mistook
In these stories of the Jungle, she was lost in the book
The pages were losing color, I started to wonder
How she forgot about her brother, and lost all hunger
Damaging, ecstasy, relieved her of gravity
Casually, she rode the high right past the canopy
Felt ths same emotions,runing in a camotion
She had devotion, yet no more thoughts of the ocean
Then reality, strikes with a force her body likens a corpse
Married to a life she’d like to divorce
Dried up blood and no remorce, then of course
I ride off with her car, then I kill her horse
Deceitful bitch, she lied to the guys that were good
Treating dicks like bikes to ride out of the hood
She had 2 kids with out a father, left with a son and daughter
I would help the stupid whore, but why even bather
So she would follow, those who would alter her plight
Until she bought 4 letters(AIDS) that would cost her, her life
I'm left here trying to servive, yert the lifestyle is to hard
In the jungle I try to stay alive, put that whore away with no disregard

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=298708

one more lol.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299558 yeah i know lol....

i liek what ya di folk

lol ok now rise!

better luck on your next one...

try using a less predictable rhyme scheme, every reader knows what your next line is going to be based on your obvious choice in scheme. Needs alot of work, really.

below what I'd like to see in here.

lol...Thankl you for being honest.

Simple rhyme scheme, weak at that..Also, a very played subject, something somewhat juvenile...Something that stuck out like a sore thumb was the gramatical errors..C'mon man, spell your stuff right so it doesn't look so slopp...Honestly, although neither were impressive, I think Krack has the better context...Next time try incorporating such things as metaphors and similies, and try imrpoving your imagery..I see potential, just read some of the better verses in OM and SS and you'll get an idea of how to write...

well maybe we will get sum good feed not sayin his wasnt feed... but it was a negative towards our verse

Shut up. It's called constructive criticism. I'm trying to help you with becoming a better writer..

no i was sayin that shyt to tha dude above ya..... i was just seein if theires gonna be sum positive feed

thank you

Oh well.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Krack wit it

no i was sayin that shyt to tha dude above ya..... i was just seein if theires gonna be sum positive feed

thank you

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die!


you don;t say shit to me...

ever...

ok?

good!

if it sucked, then it sucked... I left enough info for you to get to work on something that doesn't suck...

as much..

w/e dude

Krack dont give em attitude.

it was worth a try..... ill post up ma original verse and see what happens

read ^^^ i aint givin attitude.... all i said was i hope we can get sum better feed.... not that theres wasnt good... it was negative... i was tryin to see if we could get sum positive feed.... i am workin on a nother now its topic is war in vietnam

Ok, to be fair...

The good...


it rhymed, umm... that is about it. Nothing standout... not trying to be an asshole, just touching on what you should do to fix the problem..

Bounce ignore him man I know it wasnt good dont worry.

dude i said i didnt have an attitude about the feed.................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i said i was hoping for some better feed....... not that his wasnt good.... i was hopin for ppl to have better oppinions i guess is how ya put it on thys my other open mic... i just finished writing it