Scorch, Burn!

Scorch, Burn!
By: Nash
.
my feet deplete within ..
.........seconds. particles & ashes
deciet and lies, sin beckons
..............with articles & fashions
imagine ..your death,
........your dying breath, tainted ..
.. lying words, painted
......... by newspapers & fainted
.
my death occurs without words. my fellow members detoured
.. love letters & hate letters towards fellow families are heard
insanity is lured, toward the door of a crazier house ..
these survivors of this tradgedy,
.. badger me through their prayers now
i see pain & suffering. the scenery is grim ..
.. chances of survival, are nearerbye none to slim
somethin's in, the house of scorch & burn ..we die together
by taking turns. pleasure, resulted in pain on a higher measure
we yearn for help. a cigerette lay outside the house ..
dry grass burning, leaving the house doused
with flames of hurting passion. we ration out our water ..
.. doors are blocked off, & our world grows even hotter
the fire's sour, it slows the father. God can't save us ..
even the bravest degrades us, we're punished for lust
punishment without trust for repent, indents of the heart
were our manly reasoning for our action to start ..
attraction of our sins depart. & our ugly sins are scorched
Tim got out the window, but burned on the front porch
Jackson died in the corner, he'd pried open a door ..
only to mourn the flames, from ceiling to the floor
one of the whores, tried making it out too. her hair did ignite
somehow, we all watched our sin die in delight. how bright
was the setting sun ..a sight was our unflamed room ..
we talked about our names ...since we departed the womb
our doom soon met, our futures proven not to be wet ..
cowards losin` our lives, excluded into the hotness
our skin melted, as the flames soon breached the walls
my life falls, as i watch another one of the whores crawl
a whore house! 5 men ...& women in all numbers ..
all participating in the orgy, secluded in permanent slumbers
punishment harms & situation alarms us ..ash rose in the stardust
while our wives had left for a week ...& we seeked for our lust
so you see ..we deserved what we got, with much more mastery
we know we did wrong, so we stand in moments capturing ..
the happenings of this entire sad desire, & lonely old travesty
& restlessly stay alive in spirit, cuz the news labeled our sin a tradgedy
.
my feet deplete within ..
.........seconds. particles & ashes
deciet and lies, sin beckons
..............with articles & fashions
imagine ..your death,
........your dying breath, tainted ..
.. lying words, painted
......... by newspapers & fainted

D.H. Brixton - Helpless!
Illus`Artis - Ash on the Page

feed ..

i see, hoe me

feed.

yo dawg that was good i liked the detail

OM is fucking rediculous. i feed on a lot of shit, and no body cares about my shit.

fuck it seriously ..

Om's so wack ..

very intriguing piece here. nice topic to stick to & original title. you had a very good idea i can see how you were going to start & end this piece. i have never seen something similar so that is what makes it unique. this was really well wirtten. good use of vocab nice structure & all. you had alot of good imagery in this piece also. really well understood. alot of lines were eye catching so it made you want to read more. but i have to say you are one of the good writers here. it was a very entertaining piece to read. i look forward to reading more of your stuff here.

this was Ok as is, but could have really been stepped up. very cluttered, which hurt the detail in terms of imagery. emotion was stale, there was no real bite even as the potential was there based on the image you wrote to. some lines just didn't transition well, this was more an example of non seemless lines. not bad, but can use some work on the suttle components that make a good write better. I liked the complexity you splashed about and the overall story/picture painted here. Just work on language, description, emotion and fluid schemes...

This felt like you were striving to be like Bounce, which is an amiable notion no doubt, but I'd really suggest trying to create your own style that's unique to you. I mean, the piece had its potential but peronally I dont feel as though you're strong enough of a writer yet to tackle the intriquacies of the chosen topic. The first section where you wrote in smaller lines... You already had three periods between everything, so by added two camas per line on top of that you really loaded on the pauses and the read was slow as hell. The flow was cool, but often I found some very awkward wording and structuring. All in all, it shows alot of potential, and as a writer you do aswell... So keep at it, and decent piece man.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Myself

This felt like you were striving to be like Bounce, which is an amiable notion no doubt, but I'd really suggest trying to create your own style that's unique to you. I mean, the piece had its potential but peronally I dont feel as though you're strong enough of a writer yet to tackle the intriquacies of the chosen topic. The first section where you wrote in smaller lines... You already had three periods between everything, so by added two camas per line on top of that you really loaded on the pauses and the read was slow as hell. The flow was cool, but often I found some very awkward wording and structuring. All in all, it shows alot of potential, and as a writer you do aswell... So keep at it, and decent piece man.

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cry this is nuff said man he had said it all that i was gona say... but nice emotion still i like it but it did feel like it was forced or cluttered i may say.

RTF on pain in my sig its basic but that what i wanted to do

thank you all. this feeds awsome ..i'll work on shit.

got a new piece coming within the week ..i'll use these tips. thanks!

well cry im waiting...and ill leave feed. we should collab sometime maybe after me and the witness and me and DUSK then maybe me and ossibly you can collab. but word RTF on the link in my sig please its basic topical but i just like it simple with great use of detail description of touched emotion so i would really like your feed.

Lol Bro calm down. Ok I liked this topic and as my home boy you did not fail to entertain me with a dope peice. The stroy it self was well done. And the imaginery and creativity was perfect. i liked the flow and the wordplay was very mature. The structre was great. I give this a 10-10. Keep it up Aaron and hit up me and JC's Collab and putit on Scytspohrenia's front page.

~Leximus

thanks.

Cry,

Nice word choice in this piece. You picked an interested topic for the audience and clevery placed the vocabulary in this passage. From reading the words in this drop, I can detect the amount of emotion and effort that you put into this piece. This drop is written very well and maintained a solid flow...

thanks again.

Alright, dude, first off.. nice invention with the story line! It was different.. but it didn't hold up all the way through the piece. The explanation to the whole scenario was just too vague. I'm not nit picking for detail, I just wanna be informed when I'm reading. You are getting decent with the rhming though, with your internals gaining bits of flow here and there - keep at your internals and make sure they connect with your overall rhyme - all that really hindered your piece, and something that you'll notice yourself, is that you had bad word choice, just to make it to rhyme. "The fire went sour..", just an example of how "sour" killed that line.. make it grip the reader aswell as rhyming. Anyways apart from me babbling, this was worth the read my man. Keep doing waht you do, & sorry for taking so long with the reply.

-Brix.

If you get time, hit the battle in my sig'.. Thanks.

Nash, nicely done here man, i see you've elevated from back in the day, which is really good 2 c... i liked the topic, no wait i loved the topic... it was very original and emotional... the way your thoughtfully told the tale of this topic was outstanding, and the picture to go along with ur words was perfectly chosen... Structure on the piece was a little all over the place at certain points, but it flowed nicely so that's all that really matters in my opinion... the wordplay and metaphors were outstanding, and went along with your story very well. the vocab was top notch and very intelligent, but i noticed you repeted a few words here and there in your piece... try to avoid doing that if possible... i liked the deep emotion that you put into the piece, but with your deep emotion you lacked multis... it's hard 2 fit both of them in there but you have 2 try and do better on that... but considering that, the rhymes and the multis were very well done...

all in all outsanding work on this piece... if u could, leave feed on my OM "The Cookie Jar"

thanks and keep it up

~1~

this was gud ...but more on a poetry tip fa me...
that coz it was hard fa me to find a consistant way
to spit out loud...but in my head or speaking it
was real nice...i dont know if i felt the desperation
which i thought wud of been key to the storyline...
it was like a beautiful way of describing a fucked
up scenario...no doubt there are intentions in
ya scripts...which is ill...ya skillz hella evident...
keep doin whut you do man...peace

thanks for all the feed.