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On We Go
On We Go
Monday June 22, 1811- A New Awakening
Shadows flashing in the darkness, screaming, crying with grief
Awakened peeved, of this new man of a being, with different beliefs
Torn away from my family, ripped through my heart like a thorn
I mourn forever just for the thought. Departing to leave me forlorn
Taking a journey with my face hidden, not knowing my location
The placement of emotions, the pain is just beyond explanation.
Thrown into a cage, of raging men, women, and children about
From any shape, size or age, these villains could care less without
Knowing them, I wish I could help; I’m shackled like a beast
Tossed into an ancient engagement, as if we have fallen deceased
Walking in lines of many, this is their gratitude to show
“It’s for our own good”, that’s their claim of bestow, so for now
.................................................. ................On we go
Wednesday October 27, 1811- The Journey to Come
A road forked by a willow, silent breeze brushing down my neck
Traveling day by day, walking until they felt the need to a head check
Step after step, they contrive the reasoning, starting preparation
A trip of many whips, beatings, traveling on to no specific destination
Now they hasten, moving the pace to a higher level of acceleration
Enforcement of the law has ceased, not filling its only obligation
Recess has limitations, a pause of madness, time to begin once more
And then when you think you get a name call, it’s just a implore
Another simple chore, along this quest among us, we fall back again
Fighting our soul, power, will to survive. It’s among us from within
Back to the stages of fear, no where near our destination, no
We keep walking, line by line, just looking down below, so for now
.................................................. .......................On we go
Saturday April 13, 1813- The Time is Near
As two years pass, the same grueling activities occur, ne’er to halt
Modifications occasionally fault, and raids or terror seem to exalt
Just to scare us, what kind of fiend would strive to do such a matter?
Hearing gun shots from behind us, makes our hopes of freedom shatter
Abandon bare, with demon like characters running our very lives
No attempt to save ourselves, murder is frequent to the one who strifes
We can feel that time is near; our days are limited to these men
Amongst the crowed, you could often hear a whisper, “amen”
Our journey is done; every single soul has taken its toll
Thus more than a stroll, terror walking behind you so slow, so for now
.................................................. ....................On we go
Tuesday April 16, 1813- Renewing Our Hope
Hidden in a dwelling of a new generation, a hell whole if you would
Revolting temptations are bound, but guards with fire arms stood
We are hostages, meat to the people who capture, their armor from fear
Corpses appear, in this place of hatred where there are many fallen tears
Hallucinations burst to life like figures of our hope to revitalize our joy
Fear is just a mere thought of mind you go through, treats you as a toy
Our savior is here, the spirit from above to save us from this rage
This stage of this crazy engagement will not be forgotten with age
We served our time of woe, from now to quite awhile ago,
And now we get to rest, as we see the gates of our place glow, and so
.................................................. ...................We go no more
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Well, I'm surprised you'd go to me for a review, the person who supposedly doesn't read topicals, but here you go.
I though you started off pretty good and it stayed consistalt throughout fopr the most part with a few low points inbetween. The rhyming was okay to me, nothing special or anything. The imagery was pretty good, but I'd use stronger words to get your point across. Your emotion was okay (but I'm terrible at this point so it may vary with others). And your vocabulary was above average, so I'd work on a few points I'd described as your weakest, but a good drop overall I thought.
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Wow did you even read this Leximus, you nominated it and called it 'As We Do', if you took time to read the first stanza or even bothered to look at the title you would have realized it was called On We Go.
Anyway, good piece Jon, definatnly was feeling this. Your imagery was on point, I easily understood everything you were saying and had a good understanding of the story while picturing it in my head. The vocabulary was up and down, one stanza you'd use a bigger and broader vocabulary while in the next stanza it would be very average and common. I felt your emotion in this piece, I could tell you took your time on it and really wanted it to stand out. Your flow was for the most part very good. I liked the best though how you stayed on topic throughout the whole piece. It was a good read, Keep em droppin.
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word, you showed me this in a pm. well, part of it. i really do love the finished product though. it was a very well written piece. not confusing, and the whole theme of it was pretty nice to read. It's kind of inspiring in a way, like a "Never give up" kind of vibe .. how these people, deal with any and everything, but still "ON THEY GO" ..it was well written, and by a great writer at that. good piece ..
hit this ..my most recent. tiight read.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...90#post4653290
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Word..
Really Good Image Chosen And Well Done For Writting Towards The Picture. It Had Good Flow & Good Vocab That Didnt Really Lack Through-Out. The Length Was Good And You Kinda Kept It To The Right Length For People To Want To Read, But Not Want Too Much More. Good Depth & Emotion Involved With The Verses.
Well Done.
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Uppin. Thanks for feedback. Uppin for bounce or someone
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Aight jon this was an interesting and enjoyable piece... the topic was original and the message portrayed in the topic was well put together... the story telling was outstanding and you explained the piece vividly... it all made sense and came together nicely, no important details seemed to be left out... you laid it all out for us nicely and it's obvious that this was planned before written. the structure was nice, but in the first verse there it seemed 2 me that the flow was a bit off, but after that it seemed to bounce back and i could catch the vibe again... good emotion in this piece which made me want to keep reading it (even though it was long lol)... but i dont mind that i like it when people put their all into a piece and make it 50 lines plus... the vocab was consistant and the words were well used and well chosen... the rhymes were ok, though throughout the piece it seemed like some of the rhymes were a bit forced, try and make it sound more natural... also i would have liked to see some more complex and difficult multis in ur piece, but mayb you weren't focusing on that in this piece
all in all good work man and if you have the time peep one of the OM's in my sig... preferrably one of the last 2... good job and thanks 4 da read
~1~
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Sorry for the late feed. I saw the length at first, and wondered whether I'd be able to pull off the read. I left it to now so I could give you proper feed.
I believe you captured the mood of the piece very well. I could imagine this tiresome journey easily within my mind. The length was actually good in this respect, very representative of the lengthy journey that was occuring.
I liked the two occasions where you chose to use dialogue. Especially the second. The placement of "amen", got across the idea of religion clearly to me. How you 'appealed to the senses' with the feel of the wind, the beating of whips, the sight of the corpses as well as the dialogue was masterful. It allowed me to imagine what you were writing in greater detail. So, very good imagery.
While I was able to follow you flow, I do feel it could be better. As a writer I perfer to use of multi's, and I think it would help your flow get even better. I saw you use internal rhymes a couple of times, and I feel that too could help improve your flow.
However, I thouroughly enjoyed this drop and you should defintley keep it up.
I would appreciate return feed on - Water Under the Bridge
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thanks for all of the feed, I'll get to the pieces later. i promise
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this piece was great. you can read other open mic writtens and see flaws but this one was flawless. every line rhymed. even though i dont like the youngin who wrote it, i still gotta respect his lyrics and flow. joint was ill. my favorite piece was "A New Awakening."
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Uppin.. Bounce or DH leave some feed.. please
