Freedom really isn't that free

Freedom really isn’t that free

‘Hush little baby don’t say a word
Daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mocking bird don’t sing
Daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring’

Echoing in the depths of her angst-ridden mind
These words just append additional vehemence
As she remembers her dreadful time as a child
Growing up enclosed with mortal demons
Ensnared in a body that failed to feel like her own
The home, where she had grown, was a war-filled zone
Over-protected and profoundly scarred by domestic violence
In the dead of night, her mother’s screams would pierce the silence
Nothing could be said or done, her father cosseted her
Refusing to accept that she had been cursed, her life was a blur
She couldn’t confide in her relations, for they where pugnacious
A feeling of antagonism, fuel-filled every hurried pace
As she raced, with haste, to locate a place, she could consider safe

A overwhelming sensation of trepidation fills her brain
She breaks down in the rain, and curses her cerebral pain
Lying in a corner, rolled in a ball, attempting to sleep
She sought to be free, and now she sleeps on the street
But still her heart is jam-packed with optimism and delight
Feeling that she will be alright if she can make it throughout the night
Midnight comes as the streets are emptied, all is tranquil
A vacant stomach causes pain, and leaves her shackled
The noises of the night have her writhing with anxiety
Silently, she creeps along the bare streets, in fear
And realises that her options are unexpectedly clear

She can stay in this slum, with the vermin and litter
To rot forever, in empty alleys and deserted streets
But with formidable vigour, the irrevocable revelation hit her
She could not leap, the hurdles that she would meet
With a sigh she decided that there was one place to go
The only place that would keep her vivacious and able-bodied
Nothing could deduct the verity that she had to go home
And lie to her parent’s when she declares that she’s sorry

At noon the next day, she arrives at the detested residence
In a very irreverent manner, her father, forever the pessimist
Thinks that his daughter has caught a critical illness
So like a over boiled and threatingly warm skillet
He father handles her with utter sensitivity and anxiety
Sets her down upon the couch and whispers quietly
‘what have you learnt from your time on the streets?’
Then glances at his fatigued daughter expectedly
She says with absolute truth and unreserved honesty
‘I’ve learnt that freedom really isn’t that free’

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...89#post4647789

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...98#post4647798

up.

wow....absolutely amazing i thought.....flow was excellant....structure was excellant...rhyming was excellant.....vocabulary was excellant....lines were not stretched.....imagery and emotion were good....and it was very complex....great drop man....(hall of fame nominee)

Holy shit. that was awsome. that was fun to read 'n it was a good story. You had awsome flow 'n were consistant with everyone of your lines. You had great vocab 'n unbeliveable ajecives. But you had no flips 'n not alot of eyebrow raisers but good I liked it.

thanks.uppin

Damn this shit was nice man. It was really enjoyable to read, and i was transfixed by the storyline all the way through. It kept me interested right till the end and the last line really summed it up nicely. Imagery and emotion was amazing also, lines were perfect length and the flow was excellent. Dope shit man... almost as dope as wayne rooney :D

Rooney is God!!!!!!!! lol thanks for the feed dude,it's appreciated

Okay, the story you told was great, it really made this piece over any of your pieces especially vibrant... i feel you rushed some parts of the story and could have covered it a little better, but overall the story was quality... it told the stories of thousands and millions of people, so automatically just from topic you have a story that will reach out the a mass audience, so smartly played on that dude... FINALLY your beginning to get how to use multiple rhyme with-in your pieces. a-fucking-men lol... it made such a difference to the general read of the piece... I would have liked to see more metaphorical terms used, but meh thats just my poetry mind speaking lol. In terms of wording i'd say you had good wording, could be touched up with alliteration in places...example: shakled, shameful, sanctity But i unno, maybe that's just not how you like to write. When i gazed at the topic i had a picture in my head of a view from a more political perspective alike syntax's 'this nation'... But you completely went a different direction which i liekd as it then made the topic your own... I really liked the 'mockingbird' start... that really added a nice touch and then as i read for a second time i sw it in a more ery way... i almost imagined a psycho standing over her bed songing it to her with a crazy killer smile on his face lol. but don't worry thats just my fucked up mind working over drive!... your structure was choppy, but i prefer it when you write like this, as your being you... it was kind of annoying me when you started writting in a style that wasn't you... always write in what ever way you want, because in all honesty it's the message that is important at the end of the day, not a fucking structure lol... You seem to have elevated alot recently and i'm proud of you dude... to look back at your previous pieces then to look at more recent is a drastic change, and i reallly apreciate the work you've put into getting better and adapting your ability to make your weaker points stronger... the only thing i'd like to see more of is the metaphors... as they really make iamgery so much more vivid and really leave and audience in awe, well a knowlegable audience anyway lol... yeah but as i said im proud of you dude. keep doing what you're doing man and soon you will be at the top of your ability, but just remember your young, you still have alot of ime to become your own writter, so keep looking at more experienced writters pieces and think how you could adapt their style into your own to make it origional and to make it truely amazing.

I'm not sure about HoF yet i'm going to read it through like 3 more times and i'll let you know lol. well done man.

wow thanks for the feed mate....it really is appreciated

I read this last night...

Intersting write here, kind of gives me some insight into your writing. I enjoyed the read as it was not overloaded with novice mistakes like most of the stuff in here is as of late. Put together pretty well, you brushed on most components of a good write. I think your rhyme shceme was rather predictable and your diction could have been improved. This was better than alot of the the new stuff flooding the forum as of late. I'm not calling this HOF, there were some good spots, but on a whole there is much that can be improved. I'll be looking out for your work and offer sugestions as to help you along in elevation. Thanks for reminding me about this peice.

-bounce

Loved the structre. Loved the story. Liked the wordplay. Liked the Flow. Enjoyed the peice. 9-10 Keep it up bro.

thanks for the encouragement and advice dudes.....it's appreciated

uppin

thanks el poeta and Thomas for the HOF nominations.

Dope read, I really felt this shit alot. Cool the way you worked with such an intense vocabulary but nothing else ever fell off at any point. The whole storyline and shit was very creative and thats my favorite part about it, when something sounds so fresh to you. Hot shit.

thanks dude.

Over-protected and profoundly scarred by domestic violence
In the dead of night, her mother’s screams would pierce the silence

^i liked this for some reason..

yeah i cant say i dis liked it, it was cool the topic you used was ok, you stayed on topic which made it easy to read and flow well.. rhyme sceme was good aswell.. but one thing that stands out in here to me that you havent used so much of is the multies, they seem to make the flow just that little more sicker, i liked your use of multies in the frist couple of paragraphs... the last paragraph was my fav tho.. i liked it alot, it was real deep..

1

Although I can definately apreciate the poetic values of this piece, at the same time I think it lacked to many essential qualities of a topical piece to be qualified as a good Om. I mean, I'm not too too picky with flow, look at anything I do and flow is very creative and no where near standard... So I support the use of illiteration and assonance and what not, but still, you've got to find a better medium between creative flow and classic rhyming for it to work successfully. The content, was beautiful, poetic rhythems of creative metaphore and originality really culminated in an excellent mental aesthetic. So, you've got a few things that are fairly minor to work on... But you're showing alot of potential and growth man.