Just Woke Up.

An endless sight, the back of eyelids.. black as night.
Defenseless light, trapped in the silence.. acting like...
This is life..
But the facts ain't right.. All I did was attract a fight.
Distractions bite..
Cause I knew I bit off a little more than I could chew
I flew.. Into a relationship...
No.
More like I chased it through
I was mistaken too..
For taking a Miss who was as fake as you
But I couldn't shake the view...
My eyes were blinded by love's shaded hue..
So I faded to.. A miserable mixture of grey & blue..
The perfect picture of what a waste will do
I was searching for answers in a haze of clues
Confused.. I was lost in a maze of abuse.

I had to choose...

So as time was used.. My choice was heard
I made my mind thru her voice and words
It hurt... But it was, what it was worth..
The wound would soon be stitched..
Cause at that moment.. my eyelids moved & twitched
I was delighted...
Dashes of brightness crept thru as my lashes divided..
Flashing excitement.. Had me laughing inside.. Then..
Dieing to live..
Turned to trying to live while dieing..
Darkness decided to start multiplying..
And I was back by myself.. sleeping and crying
Submerged in a sea of depression..
Deep sea diving
Deciet & lieng.. Would keep me from rising
Realizing..
I was still chained to memories of pain
Diving...
Deeper into my own history of shame
Hiding..
Beneath the misery of my name.

The alarm goes off:
"Rich...........................I love you."

I hear her say..
Today.
Tommorow.
Yesterday.
And Im here far away from the days of the past.
My eyes wide open.. FINALLY..
.. I've awoken with hope and laughs.
And she knows she has my heart closed in her grasp.
I Gasp..
No longer am I staring at the back of my eyelids
No longer is defening silence blaring inside Rich
Because of her..
Im reminded of why I was blinded
She is the light that shined and guided..
Showed me the path when i couldnt find it.

Now I see.. what love is
Now i see.. what life is
Now i see.. what a real woman is
And now I can be what a real man is suppose to be.

Thanks for the wake up call Ali.

6 looks and not 1 reply

ummm i liked it...

Fav lines...

"I was mistaken too..
For taking a Miss who was as fake as you
But I couldn't shake the view...
My eyes were blinded by love's shaded hue..
So I faded to.. A miserable mixture of grey & blue..
The perfect picture of what a waste will do
I was searching for answers in a haze of clues
Confused.. I was lost in a maze of abuse."

i liked how you went from the girl that was a mistake to the one you fell in love with and woke you up... i thought you didi a good job of contrasting light and dark... umm the flow here was great kept me moving through the peice with pace... all in all this was a dope drop had some good emotion not so much imagery... but meh not needed when its powerfull enough... great work :)

Cool. I like this drop. The transation was good and perfect. Like Twix said, good emotions, and the imaginary was cool. The concept is cool. The flow of your verse is laid back and relaxing, in a pace, way. No big vocabulary words here, everything simple and straight to the point which I liked. This was a Good drop. Keep writing.

My fav lines:
So as time was used.. My choice was heard
I made my mind thru her voice and words
It hurt... But it was, what it was worth..
The wound would soon be stitched..
Cause at that moment.. my eyelids moved & twitched
I was delighted...
Dashes of brightness crept thru as my lashes divided..
Flashing excitement.. Had me laughing inside.. Then..
Dieing to live..

Nice work.

Oh shit homie...i think this was a pretty good piece...i read the first two lines ,
and was gonna stop but then read a reply and read the rest...Pretty sick shit.. Got my attention when he mentioned something about your ex girl, and your new one...
lots of good lines.. :

"searching for answers in a haze of clues"

Sick^^^^

"And I was back by myself.. sleeping and crying
Submerged in a sea of depression..
Deep sea diving
Deciet & lieng.. Would keep me from rising
Realizing.. "

Sick, easy to relate too....very realistic....^^^

"still chained to memories of pain"

^^sick

"heart closed in her grasp.
I Gasp.."


overall, didn't seem good at first, but pretty sick for un-expected type shit....Good work!!!!

Stay Up

structure was a bit off but the flow was very nice
topic was interesting. ya rhymes scheme was good
you had some very tight lines throughout this peice
and overall i liked this peice a lot, good job.

this was pretty good. u write this for someone? It flowed together really well, and i like the writing style that you have, like the:
I hear her say..
Today.
Tommorow.
Yesterday.
And Im here far away from the days of the past.

I thought that was cool how you did that
good job on this and keep writing


check the om in my sig

Thank you to everyone who left feedback. Yes i did write this for someone. Just me being thankful for what i went thru and what i have now.

uPPIN

Im gonna do like all of you and continuously up my piece... 62 views.. with like 6 replies

Every hour till i get some replies... This is a good piece.. Dont sleep

I just scrolled past some dude's reply, and saw the machine gun shooting thing...Hilarious... anyway...

Good piece.. A lot of multies and I liked the metaphors like the deep sea diving one. Now, I'm not big on metaphors... In fact I don't like complicated metaphors a whole lot, but simple ones like that add a nice touch. The flow was good as usual, but too hard to read this time... I feel like a herb saying this, but the structure seemed off, lol... Like you didn't bother organizing the text so it could be read easily.

*dontcallmeaherb* :(

first reply to lost friend i did with speek ez :>

wassssssup volvio!

This was a good drop, an interesting topic, good rhymes, an original piece in whole, good use of vocab, your usage of multis was really good too, you kept me reading by making it interesting and thats what I like the best in an open mic, I felt the emotion in the whole piece, the dream attribute to the open mic really made it unique and a good piece to read....and using the contrasts of light and dark was very orignal and exciting to read...good read...

If you could return the favor
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=298517
thanks

Dope.
Dont forget the two links lol.

Responded to Reggichang's piece and $inister

Well let me up it one last time for the weekend.. see you all on monday

I liked, but I think I agree with Feeble. This will probably be the first and last time I'll comment on anyone's structure hurting their flow because it did in your case. I had to actually re-structure it in my head because I find it virtually impossible for you to have bad flow after reading your previous pieces and it turned out that it was just your structure. Stop breaking up your lines so much when the flow hasn't been altered. . it makes things more complicated. Anyway, I'm feeling the personal attachment to the piece. I liked the first person narrative also. No imagery, but it wasn't necessarily needed because you're living the imagery (double meaning). Basically, there's nothing fairy tale about it. I'm feeling it.

I hear what you are saying about the structure.. but to be honest, this was a spoken word piece for a writing group i am in. I realize the flow is off... and i did that on purpose. You guys both know i can write an entire piece without the flow breaking once. This was more for me. Something i needed to say... BUT... with that being said... You know i respect your feedback.. both of you. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

Interesting piece, vocabulary usage was nice as long with your choice of words. I feel that your chioce of words kept this flowing well because the structure was a kinda fucked up but the words you chose I felt kept in flowing nicely. The imagery was dope! It's late at night here and your opening made me want to fall a sleep not in a boring way but you just depicted it nicely. Stuck topic well, really an overall good peace.

And Im here far away from the days of the past.
My eyes wide open.. FINALLY..
.. I've awoken with hope and laughs.
And she knows she has my heart closed in her grasp.
I Gasp..
No longer am I staring at the back of my eyelids
No longer is defening silence blaring inside Rich
Because of her..
Im reminded of why I was blinded
She is the light that shined and guided..
Showed me the path when i couldnt find it.
Favorite part, dope

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...05#post4637505
^Hit that up please

good work

This piece was exactly what I expected from you, pure dopeness. Hell to be honest I don't even like the topic, I usually hate emotional- lovie-dovie pieces, but I can't front if its dope its dope, thought the content isn't something I tend to enjoy....hmmmm...in this case you proved to be the exception. Flawless flow as always, the structure didn't really bother me, but then again structure rarely does. Your content, though sappy, was jammed pack with all the essentials need to make this a great piece, which it was, which I enjoyed, which will probably never happen again, so enjoy it trick...lol! Anyways, man I'm still waiting on our collabo...In the mean time keep doing what you do so well - dropping incredible threads.

Favorite lines:
"For taking a Miss who was as fake as you
But I couldn't shake the view...
My eyes were blinded by love's shaded hue..
So I faded to.. A miserable mixture of grey & blue..
The perfect picture of what a waste will do
I was searching for answers in a haze of clues"

Its weird...just when I think your about to run out of functional rhymes and decent wording and just force the issue by posting whateverness...you hit me with a sucker-punch and drop some perfect placement. Your one of the best at stringing lines together (whatever that means)...man you spit glue, everything just always fits effortlessly.

right, i understand what youre saying about the structure as feeb and nique mentioned, i wondered why your lines were like that, but as you explained yourself i understand, being a spoken piece. the multis are what attracted me to this piece the most, and as nique said, theres nothing fairy tale about it your concept was on point i very much enjoyed the read, excellent piece

agh yeah nice lil multi chains flowin u got....... flow was poetic n rythmic......
wording was good w/ clarity detailed. emotion was good for such a short space......
yeah moved at fast pace for me. and flow went hectic w/ those ill internal r's..
dope creativity f'sho. was entertaining the way you dealt w/ the subject

keep em up

1

Thanks for all the replies

Uppin this shit

Yooooooooo

I rather enjoyed it.. it pulled me through from start to finish.. and I can really relate.

Cool Peace Man.. I Like It

Thanks

Hello

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ...Dusk2Dawn...

Interesting piece, vocabulary usage was nice as long with your choice of words. I feel that your chioce of words kept this flowing well because the structure was a kinda fucked up but the words you chose I felt kept in flowing nicely. The imagery was dope! It's late at night here and your opening made me want to fall a sleep not in a boring way but you just depicted it nicely. Stuck topic well, really an overall good peace.

And Im here far away from the days of the past.
My eyes wide open.. FINALLY..
.. I've awoken with hope and laughs.
And she knows she has my heart closed in her grasp.
I Gasp..
No longer am I staring at the back of my eyelids
No longer is defening silence blaring inside Rich
Because of her..
Im reminded of why I was blinded
She is the light that shined and guided..
Showed me the path when i couldnt find it.
Favorite part, dope

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...05#post4637505
^Hit that up please

---

Hit that up please :(

An endless sight, the back of eyelids.. black as night.
Defenseless light, trapped in the silence.. acting like...
This is life..
But the facts ain't right.. All I did was attract a fight.
Distractions bite..
Cause I knew I bit off a little more than I could chew
I flew.. Into a relationship...
No.
More like I chased it through
I was mistaken too..
For taking a Miss who was as fake as you
But I couldn't shake the view...
My eyes were blinded by love's shaded hue..
So I faded to.. A miserable mixture of grey & blue..
The perfect picture of what a waste will do
I was searching for answers in a haze of clues
Confused.. I was lost in a maze of abuse.

was my favorite part. dude got 2, 383 posts so i had a feeling he was good from the start. the flow kept going and never stopped. similar to jay-z's rythm.

LOL... i have alot more posts than 2,383. Thats just what is up there. But thanks for the feed back regardless

Good Morning

My bad.. i would have upped this earlier but.. I Just Woke Up

^lmao

this was a nice peice,I really enjoyed reading it....your vocab was very good and you imagery made this peice in to something special, I really enjoyed this peice, I dunno why..it just did something for me that not many other peices can do. I liked your structure it made the peice flow well and made it very easy to read. you had great description in this peice and I liked the metaphors you used. Basically I enjoyed this peice a hell of a lot. I have never read anything from you before but after reading this, I will be sure to read and comment on any peices you put out here in the future. Lovely peice dude,I really enjoyed it. Pz

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...15#post4669215
leave feed on this please

Thanks.. Much Appreciated