A Day In September

This is my first post here...And dont come with any shitposting...This is emotional for me....

-A Day In September

A Day In September

A day in September I came home from school
Me and my homie was chillin’, playin’ it cool
My dad was sitting on the couch cryin’
Called me in and told me my cousins where dyin’
One died, the other survived, didn’t know what to do
And don’t start fucking with me cause’ the story I’m telling is true

He was only one and a half year old
He either drowned or died cause’ the water was too cold
He was a nice kid, never cried, was always happy
Shit
I guess that’s something you say about all the people you love but died
But I just had to say it, get all this shit of my chest
Getting it out is for the best

22nd September. 05
I will look upon this day and cry till I die
Poor little guys fell in the river
When it was on the news the family started to shiver
I look at his picture every day up on my wall
Knowing that he is looking down on us all

A few days later
My parents got divorced
What a fucked up month
I’m surprised our country wasnt taken by force
But also some good happened that month
It was my birthday
Although that only lasted a day…


Added the two last verses today....

yo that shit wack son i should diss u

then diss me asshole....

Very nice, I felt the emotion on it. I'm feelin it, cuz its similar to my style also. You could work on the structure a bit, but this was good. Good imagery, and there is'nt even a sense in mentioning vocab use, while it was short and to the point. Nice piece...check out my short piece 'Who are you?'

thanks man...im goingto work more on it...but i got alot to do at shcool tomorrow and my mom keeps interupting me!

uppin....anyone?

Everything was pretty basic in this, try adding more to your descriptions. It'll add more dramatics for the reader. Help to grab there attention and all. You had some stretched lines, so the structure was off. Rhyme scheme was basic, if you add some vocab in there it'll give it a stronger affect on your reader. Keep Elevating.

thanks for the tips man...but as i said...im going to work more on it tomorrow....rome wasnt built in one day you know....or something like that....

this is also my first rap, so you cant realy expect anything to not be so basic....

Dont take it to heart or anything. Its just advice. :)

i dnt wanna be mean but its to plain

He either drowned or died cause’ he was too cold
^^ there isnt even a closeness in how they died its like sayin he either had his head chopped off or he died of cancer


u need to make ur lines more complex even thos the structure was gd and also the flow was consistant no hate keep rytin

well...they fell in a river in september....i guess it was pretty cold for a baby....but i dont know if it was because he drowned or if he froze to death....

see my point here?....cold water....


And AOD, i dont get offended when you tell me what can be better and stuff...but i DO get offended when you write stuff like sweet sauce did....

i liked your emotion, but like others have said it lacked substance,

if you work on the delivery more, it would have alot more impact

...short reply, but yea, its a sad story man... pz

yeah, thanks for the tips guys, keep' em coming...i added one or two more lines today...damn friends dont give me a moments peace....

uppin

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sweet Sauce

yo that shit wack son i should diss u

---

^Whore.


This was aight, the emotion was there just concentrate on the technical aspects e.g. metaphors personification. Furthermore, you need to take more time planinng your stuff e.g. writing up one copy checking it and making a revised addition.

About the rome exapmle, Rome wasn't built in one day, can't disagree with that, but do remember even a city like rome has strcutres which were planned with precise accuracy. Therefore, always plan your work.

Lastly, stay up you got potential.

thanks man...and i was a weeee bit drunk when i said that whole rome thing :P

uppin