Family Troubles

Lost in desolation,
probing in desperation
For my lost sanity
and its exact location
Illustrating my anguish,
with each stride I take
I put my life at stake,
Genuine regret penetrates my mind
As I walk the path of uncertain fate,
Irresolute about what I will find

Speaking from experience
I can surely say
This man is delirious
And will die today
He betrayed his family and friends
Deceived even himself
Because of his worldly goods,
tonight his life ends
his evil and snide disposition
is something man can’t mend

FAMILY TROUBLES

I have eradicated my own offspring
This is the price I pay
For opening my mouth and talking
To someone I couldn’t trust
I suppose I really deserve to decay
And fade away into dust
He’s determined to have me killed
So I’m considering suicide
I don’t want any blood spilled
But I won’t run away and hide

I eventually reach his ‘humble abode’
It’s more of a sham than his life
This is where he let his rage unload
And gashed his son with a knife
I skulk in warily, wanting the element of surprise
I step in some type of liquid
I hear from below me, a groan and a sigh
And spot the man, about to die
I act rapidly, but I get there just too late
He’d dead, and now I too must meet my fate

The man then sliced his own throat and died in silence
Ashamed of his own malice and his violence


He was the uncle of the little boy who was killed by his Dad
And in his search for revenge, he himself went mad.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...88#post4562488

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=296066

uppin

Deep Concept, Very Dark
Your Wordplay Was Good
So Were The Metas
I Couldndt Stop Reading That Shit

Quote:

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The man then sliced his own throat and died in silence
Ashamed of his own malice and his violence

---

^
Favorite Line

I Think This Was Very Creative
I Like The Way That U Displayed It To
I Dont See Much Of That
Overall I WOuld Say This Was A Real Good Piece

Peep The Om In The Sig

i really liked it it was nice and short it felt like i was watching it or i was there 1 of the best topicals i read in a long time this was very good you had a lot fo creative words and used alot of meanings they could be a little bit longer though probably about 3 more lines and the structure and position of the text was good

well if you both liked it that much.....feel free to nominate it ;) lol

The language in this piece was pretty good and the flow was even better, however, I'm not sure if i grasped the entire point of the story, it was kind of choppy, it had solid detail and the imagery was good, yet it lacked fluid progression - it seemed rushed. But then again I read fast and tend to skip over important elements, so maybe if I slow it down a bit it might come together a tad more cohesive. However, depite the few infractions I see here and there - I can't front on the piece, it was written well and from a techincal point of view it was almost flawless.

For example:

Lost in desolation,
probing in desperation
For my lost sanity
and its exact location
Illustrating my anguish,
with each stride I take
I put my life at stake,
Genuine regret penetrates my mind
As I walk the path of uncertain fate,

^I thing this is a great indication of your mechanical lyricism <~~~whatever that means...lol

also:
I have eradicated my own offspring
This is the price I pay
For opening my mouth and talking
To someone I couldn’t trust
I suppose I really deserve to decay
And fade away into dust
He’s determined to have me killed
So I’m considering suicide
I don’t want any blood spilled
But I won’t run away and hide

^I thought that you worded this portion perfectly!

All in all this drop was pretty good....I've seen doper shit from you, but that doesn't minimize what you've doon here.

keep droppin the freshness


peace

thanks....uppin

Dude wordplay is NASTY drop was NICE

2 N'S from me its go no better sorry

why leave feed you just want to hear or see people say how good it was u kno its nice

GOOD GREEF

no actually I want to get useful advice on how I could improve my work

and I didn't get that from you.

thanks dude. :2thumb:

:bored: uppin

uppin

bump

this wasnt bad at all,

Lost in desolation,
probing in desperation
For my lost sanity
and its exact location
Illustrating my anguish,
with each stride I take
I put my life at stake,
Genuine regret penetrates my mind
As I walk the path of uncertain fate,
Irresolute about what I will find

^^this little paragraph is ok, but i wasnt feelin' the flow when i was reading it, it seemed a bit choppy, not too bad mind you.

Speaking from experience
I can surely say
This man is delirious
And will die today
He betrayed his family and friends
Deceived even himself
Because of his worldly goods,
tonight his life ends
his evil and snide disposition
is something man can’t mend

^^this was better with the flow, but gotta had a little bit more creaitivity i thought and some more spice to give it that little bit extra omph, to have people on the edge of there seats, but other that that, good. nice set ups

I have eradicated my own offspring
This is the price I pay
For opening my mouth and talking
To someone I couldn’t trust
I suppose I really deserve to decay
And fade away into dust
He’s determined to have me killed
So I’m considering suicide
I don’t want any blood spilled
But I won’t run away and hide

^^i liked this right here, it flowed so good, i mean i could just read it so fast without having to stop and be like errr, also the the vocab you used in here was cool, not to complex but not to basic, which is good because you dont want to go to complex on a concept like this.

I eventually reach his ‘humble abode’
It’s more of a sham than his life
This is where he let his rage unload
And gashed his son with a knife
I skulk in warily, wanting the element of surprise
I step in some type of liquid
I hear from below me, a groan and a sigh
And spot the man, about to die
I act rapidly, but I get there just too late
He’d dead, and now I too must meet my fate

^^again this was good, just like the last paragraph, didnt do anything wrong at all, i like the flow man, good shit

The man then sliced his own throat and died in silence
Ashamed of his own malice and his violence


He was the uncle of the little boy who was killed by his Dad
And in his search for revenge, he himself went mad.

^^i loved these 2 bars right here, it just topped it off for me, they came in dope az hell, and really put a nice end to the peice, nice choice here.

breakdizzzzown.

yeah dude this was a really nice peice, im feelin' it, i like the concept you used and how you went about it, very classy :o, rhyme sceme was good, flow was good cept for the 1st paragraph i dunno i couldnt get it to flow for some reason, the vocab you used was perfect. the creaitivity and imaginary you used i thought was spectacular, it came off very nice, i like your style.. it's very appealing, not boaring at all.

9.9/10

good stuff.

thanks for the feed dude,it's appreciated

This piece was a great one. The Vocab was on point and not that of the usual.. The structure was crazy and the multi's and meta's were all over the place..While reading you could somehow feel the emotion in this piece and the imagery man the imagery shit I might have nightmare's picturing the blood scenes discribed in this piece..Overall this was one of the best damn O-M's I've read ....Good Shit ......Keep it up ..

Hm, you can do a little better with the vocab but all in all it was really good. Nice set up, major props on that. Also good job with picking a topic that everyone can relate to, it was a good read. Dope on it. Keep writing, I'm going to keep looking out for more of your work. :)

thanks for the advice and encouragement dude,it's appreciated.

uppity

all honesty, a little rocky in the beginning man. the style kind of threw me off, it was a bit weary at times. but eventually after a couple lines, you stayed on something consistant and started with that storyline. it wasn't a basic storyline, but it wasn't creative. Nahmean? like, i think this is more of a played out movie subject than anything. It's the outcome of most actions in movies or something. don't get me wrong, shit was nice. you threw in a couple multies/internal rhymes here and there but not a whole lot considering that your style was very much so different from most. I like the originality of the way you wrote it, i just thought the storyline was almost predictable and creative at the same time. it didn't really shock me. yes, sad story. yes, very well written. but no, topic seemed lazily picked out. Nontheless, a really good job, and i couldn't ask for any more of you. Obviously, this is the reason you're with our crew, and obviously you're a good writer. Keep up the good work, i expect sick and twisted next time :mad: ..

Sorry i didn't get around to commenting earlier, got a little caught up. thanks for the read, hook me up with a link anytime and i'll critique it when i can. pz.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cry

all honesty, a little rocky in the beginning man. the style kind of threw me off, it was a bit weary at times. but eventually after a couple lines, you stayed on something consistant and started with that storyline. it wasn't a basic storyline, but it wasn't creative. Nahmean? like, i think this is more of a played out movie subject than anything. It's the outcome of most actions in movies or something. don't get me wrong, shit was nice. you threw in a couple multies/internal rhymes here and there but not a whole lot considering that your style was very much so different from most. I like the originality of the way you wrote it, i just thought the storyline was almost predictable and creative at the same time. it didn't really shock me. yes, sad story. yes, very well written. but no, topic seemed lazily picked out. Nontheless, a really good job, and i couldn't ask for any more of you. Obviously, this is the reason you're with our crew, and obviously you're a good writer. Keep up the good work, i expect sick and twisted next time :mad: ..

Sorry i didn't get around to commenting earlier, got a little caught up. thanks for the read, hook me up with a link anytime and i'll critique it when i can. pz.

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word dude I know what you mean.

I was trying to get away from my usual sick and twisted drops lol

but word thanks a lot man.

i really liked it it was nice and short it felt like i was watching it or i was there 1 of the best topicals i read in a long time this was very good you had a lot fo creative words and used alot of meanings they could be a little bit longer though probably about 3 more lines and the structure and position of the text was good