Outside Looking In - (Shawty B, Illus'Artis, Kaotic.Theory)

''Outside Looking In''-Brought to you by IJL.....

Shawty"B"
It's been nine months since you left me and I'm still doing fine
I always wonder about you though - do you remember the old times
How we got in to so many fights and you never really even cared
And how when I truly needed you, you were anywhere but there
At some point or another I had it good with your brother and he said
Even though you promised to love me there's someone else in your bed
And now as you miss the life that you had brilliantly made with me
I proudly display the lies that you never thought I would ever see
I watch your head sink lower and the tears fall as I proudly grin
Because now your outside of my heart - trying so hard to look in


Illus'Artis:
Cold and grimy city is gritty. People showing no pity.
Stepping on me I'm already filthy, physically I can't see,
Yet I know I'm one of those that you shut and close your soul
due to the features I pose. I suppose it's my stench that erodes
my clothes and brings a distasteful smell towards your nose.
Which makes me your foe. All I ask for is to treat me like y’all.
I been through the worse life forever cursed a scavenger filled with pall
of smoke. Outside looking in, in on the city ways, I'm just a human rat.
Only rodents I interact. Human ostracized me for my deviant acts.
Now I'm a blind schizophrenic that the city created so watch y’all back.


Kaotic.Theory:
His soul is weak, crying for affection
love lost at sea, face with a pale complexion
looking in the mirror, not noticing the reflection
who is he, why is he here, probably adopted i reckon
unhealthy, no food to eat, must fend for his self
dropped out of grade school, can't take care of his health
He's scared, no where to go, no where to turn
no discipline, no mentor to teach him and learn
his heart's crushed, it is very much easy to bend
because throughout his life, he's been outside looking in

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=293495
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...84#post4496684

Nice....

we would appreciate some feed back people.

Shawty"B"- Honestly i thought your piece could have been worded better the vocab was mediocre but the verse was straight i dont really get the point of your verse because to me it doesnt really tie in with the title, its jus as if you're reminiscing old times not on the outside looking in... maybe relationship wise as to clues about your shady "special someone" but not on the outside looking in as your title says other than that it was str8.. imagery was also present structure wise the flow was easy to follow and thats all...


Illus'Artis- okay i dont see the incorporation of the title in your verse either, it's obvious that this should be another piece separate from this one because it was more of a different subject that can be tied into a new OM. Other than that well executed piece the use of multies were present and the verse made sense ... although again it wasnt incorporated with the title to me! if im wrong i apologize but it jus wasnt there... feed!

Kaotic.Theory- your verse was ok the only one that really that was in tune with the topic to me ... this verse was very well executed could've used more lengthy lines and went deeper into the story explaining more about the character you chose to use.... I liked the multi usage

his heart's crushed, it is very much easy to bend
because throughout his life, he's been outside looking in
^^^
typical end to many poems but you owned it... nothing else to say good drop keep it upp ....3-2...(1)


OVERALL- Str8 piece besides the facts stated in your individual reports you all have unique styles of writing and i see you aren't new to the fact great job on this verses could have been longer other than that WELL DONE! ...3-2...(1)

the pink writing huruts my eyes, i liked kaos verse the best too... the shorter bars are easier to flow with as u read

Appreciate the feed..can we get a little more feed
please critique.

Lines i liked from each of u:

Shawty:
And now as you miss the life that you had brilliantly made with me
I proudly display the lies that you never thought I would ever see
I watch your head sink lower and the tears fall as I proudly grin
Because now your outside of my heart - trying so hard to look in

Your verse was simple yet effective, stuck to topic well and added emotion to it. a wider vocab could have been used but you pulled off what you intended to show quite well. more multies would have increased the flow. good job.

Illus:
Yet I know I'm one of those that you shut and close your soul
due to the features I pose. I suppose it's my stench that erodes
my clothes and brings a distasteful smell towards your nose.

nice use of multies to convey the story. had a good flow due to the mulites.. good use of topic and nicely portrayed. nice job.

Kaotic:
He's scared, no where to go, no where to turn
no discipline, no mentor to teach him and learn
his heart's crushed, it is very much easy to bend
because throughout his life, he's been outside looking in

nice use of topic.. nice structure.. made it flow nicely. maybe a better vocab could have been used, but simplicity seems to run through all your pieces but they work well together. nice job.


overall a nice collab.. stuck to topic well and showed your own individual styles. nice job.

could you please take a look at my om:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=293961

Thanks.

i like the feel of the piece, very midset, i like the creativity, nice wording added to the piece, good imagination....good job..


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...05#post4503705

my OM, hit it up.

upping for feedback.

bump.

Shawty- The best of the three. Not only was her concept the best, but it was filled with emotion and deeply felt lines. She continued to keep me reading with every line, and the more I was drawn in...the soooo much better that end seemed.

Illus- Weird structure. Really fucked up the flow. I liked Ur idea, but U didn't use it correctly, nor to its potential. It could of been so much better. More complexity, was what it needed. That and since its following Shawty's verse...I was expecting alot more. U had more of a vocabulary than everyone though, if that makes ya feel any better.

Kaotic- The second line was forced, and the ending was disappointing, maybe because I was expecting something more surprising, I dunno. But other than that, the rhyme scheme was the best of the three and it flowed quite perfectly.

Overall- Not a bad read, but I expected more from IJL.

good shit boyz.

untouchable = a retard :hung:

and thanks gucci

bump.

Wow, you guys are getting screwed with feedback... Let me see if I can fix that :)

Shawty... FINALLY! Lol I've talked to you a few times but I've never actually seen your work, and Ive been really curious what your writing was like... And I'm impressed. I have to agree with the guy above who said you had the strongest verse, because the emotion that you perpetuated was beautiful. I loved how you chose to keep your verse simple and to the heart rather than teching it up unessisary vocab and complexities. Your piece was just raw beauty. Something so easily relatable, that, personally really hit me because I've been 'that guy.' Great job, loved it.

Illust, what happend man? I just had no connection with your verse once so ever. Awkwardly worded lines and just random lines aswell. I felt like I was reading some newbies work. I was shocked, but I've read a few pieces from you in the past and loved everything about the pieces... So I was expecting your verse to be the 'shining star' in this if you will. I dont know, I just didn't like anything about it. You had a steady flow, but it seemed like every other element of writing went out the window in turn for a structured and organized flow. Sorry man, hated the verse.

Big Val, glad to see some work from you. I really liked your verse. I felt like throughout you really scripted a persona down perfectly, and held that image throughout. Your piece's flow was immaculant in terms of rhyming, and just as fluent contectually. It was great, I loved the complexity of it and how you like Shawty really went at the heart to create a masterpiece of emotion.

Overall the piece was decent. Individual Val and Shawty did great... Both of you made your general concept love and based everything else around that. I loved how I got to see two different styles of it though, how Shawty stay very simplistic yet extremely raw with her emotion, and Val took a complex approach yet still harnessed a very intense level of emotion. No offense intended to Illust once so ever, but his verse should have been pulled out before post. His verse was completely irrelivent to the other two verses while Val and Shawty complimented eachother brilliantly throughout. I understood his approach, and individual it wouldn't be too bad, but it didn't flow with Val and Shawty's approaches at all. The fact that those two's verses worked so well singled Illust out, while if they all had completely different approaches Illust's verse wouldnt feel so alone. Other than that I liked the piece, wasn't to bad, could have used some touching up before post though.

It'd be dope if you could return the favor on my new Om,
In the Shadows of the Livingroom
Thanks alot, I really apreciate it.

i liked Illus'Artis verse the best of the 3 it had nice flow as you read it
i liked Kaotic.Theorys verse second it had a nice flow and good use of vocab
i liked Shawty"B"s verse third best simply becuase i felt the others out preformed him
theirs was geat his was good

overall i liked it nice work on all verses

upp-in

bump... great feedback plz