A Moment of Time

A Moment of Time…….
Elapses every second you take to think
When cities collapse and reluctant children procrastinate
And as of late, a moment seems to be all that remains
To maintain claims before the greedy cheat us for our gains
One day..you may look at your self…..wealthy and fortunate
The next..a card board box on city street coordinates
Too poor to sit among society, so you satisfy yourself quietly
As a guy without a wife or female partner. This might be
Your moment to shine or perhaps the moment of time
When you realize someone's just ruined your fuckin life

A Moment of Time
Ah yes, how quickly it flies by

Only time will tell…..
How you’ll end up n whether you’ll get bucks
So when it’s almost up, the worst you can do it let up
I recommend you don’t test luck, let it come as it pleases
Shit, knowin MY luck, time’ll run out right as I need it
^^Read this, and read it well..take advantage of opportunities
Absorb the knowledge, grasp it or be in for a rude awakening
Hear what I speak as these words leak from my teeth
2 planes colliding with twin towers….less than 24 hours
A carton of milk turning sour…
Several hours after a storm begins and your frige runs out of power
So imagine how long your final years of living will last
Make use of the present, think about the future….
And stop living in the past.

There’s a time to relax and a time to get out there
And guess what….....that moment is here.


~Tony B
May 11, 2006

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290654
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290672

Very good, actually came to me as more of a poem.

Storyline was fine, Truth was well kept. Though, I think you could of got more thorough with it.

I'm a man who can appreciate another's art.

And I liked reading this Tony.

thanks for the link and keep writing.

uppin

c' mon, let's get some more feed

I agree with Anov this is to me is more of a song than poetry, I could hear me spit this in my head as i read it, I like the topic it was nice...

"One day..you may look at your self…..wealthy and fortunate
The next..a card board box on city street coordinates"

Nice line there...Overall i thought this piece was pretty good...nice lyrics you could put to a beat...keep at it...
If you get the chance hit me back on my piece...thanks peace...
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...03#post4441003

u poem ass nigga... lol nice shit tho.. shoulda put it in poetic scriptures...

So when it’s almost up, the worst you can do it let up
:coolio:

well thought out.. but try to use better vocab next time.. overall it was a good read..

stay up nigro :)

V/tony :rolleyes:

to eleete
actually anov thought it was more of a poem lol
but still thanx for the feed
ima hittin up your link right now

philly, just read your SS battle. never knew you wrote OM's lol

yo,
i like it, decent peice actually, glad to see an lll head droppin' some fire in the OM. nah meens. anyway, you could have put it in poetic scripture.. i think it serves it duty here. you had some ill multies, but it got choppy as a bitch at like.. 2 different parts. imagiry, well.. you didnt really need any.. ur more getting ur point across.. 'n which i think you did very well. structures whatever. all in all, nice peice man.. keep that shit up, your potential in this type of writing has much room to elevate.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tony Brown

to eleete
actually anov thought it was more of a poem lol
but still thanx for the feed
ima hittin up your link right now

philly, just read your SS battle. never knew you wrote OM's lol

---

Nigga, read MY OM matches. Fucka philly cheesesteak. Just kidding philly.

So tony, is this one of your first pieces? If so, then well done. Not fully up to par, but I gotta hand it to you. You're an inexperienced head who can write on a higher level than some here in OM. Yes, this was a good rendition of a poem. You had some thoughtful lines here that makes people think twice about life and their belongings. Tony you didnt do bad, but I can see you improving a lot more as the time goes on. Piece out.

actually i have approximately 5 including this one. but that's 5 OM's spanning over the 3 years i've been on this site lol i keep saying ima stick w/ topicals but everytime i write one i lose interest :/ im going to join SS as soon as i get time and hopefully that'll force me to write more. btw thanx for the feed

upsedazy

bumpin this ish

nice pice with a nice story, flow was on point and this was an original topic as well... which is very good... the vocab was cool, and your structure was pretty opriginal, good poetic touch as well... my fav was the 3rd stanza, which had nice emotion and seemed like it was more real talk than a topical.... good piece here man...

Hit up "Technicolor Angel" the link is in my sig

nice peice....the rhymes were nice throughout...
flowed very well and structure was pretty even.
topic was intersting and this was pretty poetic..
i liked it..juist need to work on vocab..keep it up
peace~

thank you, uppin

hmm a very mixed bag this one

some sections of really dope flow e.g.

One day..you may look at your self…..wealthy and fortunate
The next..a card board box on city street coordinates

some poorer flow e.g.

Your moment to shine or perhaps the moment of time
When you realize someone's just ruined your fuckin life

some nice thoughts but it was also a bit unfocused. I mean try to stay on topic a bit more, I know it was supposed to be abstract in places, but yeah...^
message wasn't bad overall

so yaeh not bad overall

thanx vas. yea i noticed after rereading this that i kinda rambled on off topic in a few lines.

What up man. Thought it was pretty good... like everyone else said.. more of a poem type because the flow wasnt consistant. The message was good though. Overall a decent piece.

maybe i should put this in poetic scriptures? but i dont see the point considering there's never any feedback given in there

I actually really liked this. Your other pieces although had nice elements to them, they lacked a general quality overall. I felt like before your pieces were just kind of there but had no life to them. This on the other hand, had all the elements and a magnificent sense of heart to it. I loved the way the flow of the words and the fluency of the content worked together rather than seperate parts like usual. Also I really loved how the content didnt make sense if you just read one line, you had to go 3 or 4 lines deep to achieve the overall content and message of the sentance. It was great, very nice poetic essance and a steady balance of vocab/basics. Just an all around great piece and I see you've elevated alot man. Stay up and keep writng man.

Oh... no, don't post this in PS because it's not a poem. Ever word and line flows off the tongue perfectly, wether some people can catch it or not. It belongs here.

thanx mayne, glad to see someone knows what their talkin about

ugh, my stomact hurts

uppin this again

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by .....

nice peice....the rhymes were nice throughout...
flowed very well and structure was pretty even.
topic was intersting and this was pretty poetic..
i liked it..juist need to work on vocab..keep it up
peace~

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^^^^WERD

This was alright, but you need to work on strengthening your content and your transition, especially if you're going to rhyme like that on a consistent basis. Trust me because I can do it. For example:

Only time will tell…..
How you’ll end up n whether you’ll get bucks
So when it’s almost up, the worst you can do it let up
I recommend you don’t test luck, let it come as it pleases
Shit, knowin MY luck, time’ll run out right as I need it
^^Read this, and read it well..take advantage of opportunities
^This transition was bad. It has to be fluid and consistent. If it isn't, it makes the flow stop and become abrupt..fucking me all up
Absorb the knowledge, grasp it or be in for a rude awakening
What does rude awakening rhyme with?
Hear what I speak as these words leak from my teeth
2 planes colliding with twin towers….less than 24 hours
A carton of milk turning sour…
This was awkward too.

Your imagery and substance is on point, but I felt you ended too abruptly and I didn't get a chance to grasp your concept. Work on maintaining your flow consistently throughout your piece. The first stanza was better than the second.

yea i know what you mean. some of it was a little forced because i was so focused on sticking to the rhyme scheme that i couldn't find the right word to get across what i was tryin to say. thanx btw

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Anov L. Idea

Very good, actually came to me as more of a poem.

Storyline was fine, Truth was well kept. Though, I think you could of got more thorough with it.

I'm a man who can appreciate another's art.

And I liked reading this Tony.

thanks for the link and keep writing.

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^^
Word man this had very great imagery that kept me reading on and the emotion was on point exact man!.
nice shit. and nice vocabulary along with multies that were used to add a lil twist!.
RTF on eighter piece oin my sig

CENTERED EMOTIONS
or
SHADED GREY

^yea I feel you I used to do it all the time, but DON'T sacrifice your content for your flow. It'll water down your message and you're stuck with an average piece with great flow.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by .Nique.

This was alright, but you need to work on strengthening your content and your transition, especially if you're going to rhyme like that on a consistent basis. Trust me because I can do it. For example:

Only time will tell…..
How you’ll end up n whether you’ll get bucks
So when it’s almost up, the worst you can do it let up
I recommend you don’t test luck, let it come as it pleases
Shit, knowin MY luck, time’ll run out right as I need it
^^Read this, and read it well..take advantage of opportunities
^This transition was bad. It has to be fluid and consistent. If it isn't, it makes the flow stop and become abrupt..fucking me all up
Absorb the knowledge, grasp it or be in for a rude awakening
What does rude awakening rhyme with?
Hear what I speak as these words leak from my teeth
2 planes colliding with twin towers….less than 24 hours
A carton of milk turning sour…
This was awkward too.

Your imagery and substance is on point, but I felt you ended too abruptly and I didn't get a chance to grasp your concept. Work on maintaining your flow consistently throughout your piece. The first stanza was better than the second.

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^^^^WERD .......... My exact point of view....It still was a good read

eh, guess i'll up this one more time

Flow was off, but as everyone else has made abundantly clear, this reads more like a poem. Which i actually like alot because poetry is the shit, period.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand, all i can really say is read more and up your vocab, and if you're going for some spoken word vibe, you're ont he right track, and it's hot. but if you're tryin to spit, work on your flow. a good, but time consuming, way to keep it in line, is to count youre syllables through-out the whole song as you write it and keep your lines between 13 and 16 syllables long.

Good shit, keep it up.