Five People I Met In Heaven.

This one is old but I was feeling it.. so here it goes...






I'm past the bright light, but my flight hasn't broken.
Life flashed so fast right when my last words were spoken.
I emerged in death with my sights set & hoping..
that I'd connect w/ any person I'd known when..
i was alive.
Yet, I was unpleasantly surprised by the smile i seen.
It was this kid I had regretfully met when i was a teen.
I mean..
we were the same age.. but he had such childish dreams.
It seemed, he'd always bring out the worst side in me.
He was the one who got me to drink'n first try some weed.
Then he would supply my need whenever I would fiend.
Until the day that i decided it was time to leave.
I said no goodbye & proceeded to drive with speed.
And i came to find out that he died. Indeed..
that his suicide had actually coincided with me..
and the day that I bounced.
Oh well...PEACE!! I cared in the least amount.
I was out.. to change my life and situation.
Just then, I turned my head to see another face'n
at first, I didn't want to acknowledge that..
I recognised this cat. I met him in college, back..
when I had left to regroup & get some knowledge. That..
guy was a wild man. Yeah, he was completely wacked.
In fact..
I remember the time he climbed the tower at school..
and threatened to jump like some damn cowardly fool..
cause of how his ex slept with some dude back in June.
It was soon after he lept that I stepped and moved..
out of that state & into a New York state of mind.
A second later someone said my name from behind.
I turn to find it was a guy who worked at the New York Times.
That was my first job out of a long line. Im..
glad I quit as quick as i did.
Why?
This dick would constantly pick on chicks for fun.
I'm talking sexual harrassment.. like touching tits'n run.
For him it was fun.. but for me it was no picnic.
So I decided to leave him there with all of his sick shit.
And as soon as I left.. he too was removed from existance.
"Rich!" someone yells from off in the distance.
I go to see who it might be.. but i am very hesitant.
It was this man I knew when I moved to my last residence.
He basked in the excellence of all that God had made...
And it was because of him that I died after I was saved
Cause for the last 5 years of my life.. it was to the Lord I gave.
And when he passed.. I fell to a hudled mass in his grave.
As fast as that memory came.. it went to the waste side.
I am now staring at myself.. looking at my face like..
"Is that me? Am I you" and "What do I say" right.
Then...
the pearly gates appear w/ a great white lite and..
that's right when.. i deciphered each one of those people.
Each one was a part of me & all 5 of them equal..
my entrance into heaven & my exit from evil.

This was a good om, i saw the multies and descriptive/emotive language used. The ending was good but not as good as the mini-annecdotes you told in the story. The plot was the winner in this OM, the mini-stories of each person connected to make a whole story of your history. That was good, nice plot.
However, the only downfall of this piece was the structure, but that doesn't matter as i really liked this piece and it shows that you have managed to spread the emotions to the readers mind, which is a fundemental elemant of topicals. Well done, keep dropping more works.

Also, any comments on this piece would be appreciated
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291425

Thanks man... i appreciate it.

Hello

a great join should be in the ledgens forum

nice multies and rhymes overall....
interesting topic...caught my eye..
flow was def. here..smooth read
structure was nice and even....
vocab and complexity was here...
imagery was here as well.....
overalll this was a good peice..
keep it up..~

Thanks man.. Much appreciated.

yeah some nice flows u got here yo. i wouldnt exactly call those rhymes multies tho. had the flow/set up of multies but basicaly those was str8 rhymes............had good internals tho f'sho...... dropped on point...........story rolled well and was slightly entertaining. could of been a bit more. maybe with some added explicitness. seemed to end a bit abruptly....... but yeah was nice prose type song writing.......

keep em poppin
pz1

Nice shit, Evolve...

I didn't like this like I liked the other one I just read from you. This piece started off really nice and I was getting into it, then you started with a stop and go kind of story when you went off on the "I once knew this teen" kind of thing. I dont know, something about that type of story telling always comes off as corny and it just lacks the engaging effect you get from just simply telling a story as its happening rather than playing second person narrator so to speak. I did really like the flow of the piece, you lines have no problem keep up with themselves and you have a nack for keeping everything fluent. So, overall, the content was realy nice, and it did have everything that makes a good Om, the approach just wasn't the type of writing I like. Good Om none the less though.

I'd apreciate it if you could reply to the Abstanti collab:
"Poemicoriginate"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291509

LOL @ ninjah red... not multies.. ok. Thanks born..

Myself... the story was told that way to connect at the end. The whole concept of meeting 5 people in heaven was that those 5 people were all me at one point in my life before i died. The last being me in heaven. BUT.. you cant please all of the people all the time.

No, like, I understood it... But the approach that starts a meeting like:

"Yet, I was unpleasantly surprised by the smile i seen.
It was this kid I had regretfully met when i was a teen. "

That introduction to that character I just didn't really like. Maybe cuz I felt like it could have had more detail prior to the fact rather than afterwards... Im not sure man. Im trying to justify it but Im not even sure, just didn't like the settup. Sorry man.

Not a problem.

I don't know.......I hmmm...... actually really really liked this piece. Everything was on point, its probably one of my favorite pieces I've read thus far, though the storyline wasn't anything to shout about, the way it was told, however, proved to be quite the opposite. Everything just seemed to fit and make sense. The way it flowed made it very clean and easy to follow, allowing me to to concentrate more on the story than the mechanics...I mean...I don't really see any flaws at all...your an experience writer and it shows...I loved this piece! keep at it man, you really got this rap shit down.


peace

Well thank you man. Much appreciated.. really.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Evolve

LOL @ ninjah red... not multies.. ok. Thanks born..

---

there was a few multies. the other rhymes were not multies in my books. unless say
u talking minimal 2 syllable multies..


i mean-

emerged in death with my sights set & hoping..
that I'd connect w/ any person I'd known when..

Yet, I was unpleasantly surprised by the smile i seen.
It was this kid I had regretfully met when i was a teen.

He was the one who got me to drink'n first try some weed.
Then he would supply my need whenever I would fiend.


not multies^


recognised this cat. I met him in college, back..
when I had left to regroup & get some knowledge. That..
^multies

I remember the time he climbed the tower at school..
and threatened to jump like some damn cowardly fool..
^sort of broken multies......


For him it was fun.. but for me it was no picnic.
So I decided to leave him there with all of his sick shit.
2 syllable multies.


He basked in the excellence of all that God had made...
And it was because of him that I died after I was saved
Cause for the last 5 years of my life.. it was to the Lord I gave.
And when he passed.. I fell to a hudled mass in his grave.

^not multies. so i'm just saying u had some . and some were basic. but basicaly it wasnt chock or consistant with multies. no big deal i guess i was just saying so coz i wanted to.......

1

I think ive read this before, if not - then you've used similar type themes before, because I definatly remember this .. Overall it wasnt bad, there's hints at what was to come in there if you look at it hard enough! The flows smoother, certain rhyme pattern switches in there etc, theres definatly a glimmer of the legend-in-waiting there even at this early stage, that's great to see. Flow was on-point, content was good, and even just the concept behind it is a fairly original take to possess. For what its worth, I liked it -

Maybe more so that the newer kids here cos it gives a comparrison of what you WERE, to what you are now.

Madd respect Rich ..

Thanks Cam.. likewize. And for ninja.. you have no idea of how long ive been doing this for you to tell me about multies or anything else. Never the less, i respect your attempt at honesty... considering i could, and probably would.. write circles around any of these cats if i had time to. I am bored and a lil tipsy tonight... so i will leave this till tommorow.

good peice....i liked the topic...interesting to me
flow was nice overall...very smooth continuesly...
imagery was tight. and vocab was here all the way
overall this was a good read..good job..keep it up

Nah...Ninjah in a way was right. . what he was saying was that you had good internal rhyme, however you didn't have what most people would consider a 'perfect' multi... (for example slamming with shame / damming with fame, terrible example but w/e) which ISN'T a bad thing.. and he wasn't trying to bash you. . Anyway, I loved this piece. A lot of great rhythm to it, as usual. . In fact, I like how you rhyme, you don't seem to care for a "perfect" rhyme scheme...you just sort of go with it, you rhyme a lot...but almost never force it to rhyme... which makes your piece more interesting to read. Also, this piece had a great storyline. The only fault i can find is that at times you had bad transitions from one part of the story to another... and I also didn't like how sometimes you would continue a sentence on two different lines, that shit always throws me off. Other than that... the piece was dope... & I look forward to seeing more from you. btw, i agree with what camarac said about the legend in waiting

peace!

Sorry bout that Ninja.. i was under the influence.. lol. I apprecaite the feedback from everyone. What up Feebs