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Forbidden Desire
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thum...cked_doors.jpg
I Present
Forrbidden Desire
by gallo
Trivial questions, lacking explanation, a lust that one should not desire
consipered plans, malicious thoughts, of what he wanted and admired
this ingulfing fire, that urged him to covete what he wanted for glory
he feels that normality bores me, and it starts this malevolent story
capturing this rare beauty devoured carlos's soul pushing him to the end
infatuation for his angelic love, but she only knew carlos as a dear friend
the beauty had many who adored her, and one by one carlos killed them
for the fury he held contained was loose, he had much longed for her admiration
but continious confrentation, leads more to the adores and his hearts devstation
this love had been running ruin, he had to share it with a friend they made a pact
decite laid in his eyse, for light of the shawdos made him also want a piece of that
trapped in a fradulent friendship carlos lacked the knowledge of the truth
but his love still hate away like a sugar tooth, firguring the root
till this love pierced him in his heart he wanted her so bad he could taste her
he had normayl followed her, he bodly went to the door by the clock to face her
rings ther door bell, he is fixcaiated on what he should say he should do it right
he waits opens the door a bright light clears it his best friend holding her tight
vengeful rage unleahesh imprinting his fist on to the friends face
she screams hesterical as he dead the one she could of loved
carlos says can't u love see i show you my love with his blood
delighted and ready to be next to her he forced himself on her like he did no other
she screamed and yelled in pain and said whats wrong with you your my brother
and thats crazy
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I would leave feed on this great peuce but you have to leave 2 links of OM'S you fed in.
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The flow was hot and the structre was great. The wordplay was nice and the plot was ncredible. 9-10 keep it up.
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thanks uppin leave links also
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hmmm streached lines... you tired to make em smaller so that it looked better anyway... still flowed well so fuck it... i tend to do the same thing... i liked the imagery here you had a nice way of using descriptions... good work here... its good to see new and dope heads.... anyway... not much to say other than that... showed that you can grasp a topic and portray a dope topical... nice work here... look forward to more...
check out my latest....
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uppin plz feeback leave links
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The thing that really stood out in your piece is your ability to story tell, yet have correct usage of writing techniques....you took a more stretchd out structure yet made it flow very well with the pace of your piece, you had good internal and multie placement, which is something some writers struggle with (i sometimes do that)...so i commend you for that, it was trully a well written piece technically speaking...As for the topic you took, i liked how you kept it a mystery till the end...i have seen this spin before but i think you had the end very well disguised which is a major plus....your emotion was pretty good i was definetly feelin ur words...imagery could have been spiced up here and there in a few spot but for the most part your story was well pictured....Vocab wasnt above and beyond, but you used words correctly and did not force nething which is just as good in some cases..
..overall i was lifted by your sense for writing, and usually writers who first drop here have problems with those technical writing aspects..however i think you did a fine job!
Very nice piece, keep up the creative writing, and keep upping your ideas!
*please hit up any one of my new pieces...if youd like
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this was really nice....
your wordings were great and spectacuualr job at catching my attention and keeping me interested.
you ability of word usage and story telling and mutlie dropping is just a very great and presented asseet thats was really executed to perfection on this piece!.
nice drop homes..
RTF on the link in my sig called gone!
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werd good looking i'll hit ur om
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story was nice. you deffinatly were on point with that. flow was a bit choppy at times because the vocab you used was nice but sometimes didn't fit where you'd put it. the wording for some of the lines was a bit off, but you did well anyways. the whole plot didn't REALLY catch my interest but you stayed with what you were writing about and it doesn't matter if i liked it or not. just keep working, you're obviously not new to the text shit, but you've got a little way to go. decent piece.
!Nash
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Yeah your a good storyteller that is evident and the whol presentation and set-up was excellent. The vocabulary was very good but do be careful when you use certain words as they can mean many things however, this did effect your flow a lil but then flow is different for everybody. This was a good piece and i see much potential in you.
Also, leave comment on this piece, much preciated
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291425
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werd...this was a good peice..strucutre was good and flow was good
but i thought that the lines were kinda stretched a bit....
rhymes were good and nice multies here and there....
overall this was a good peice and you got potential to be very good
keep at it..peace~
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sleep sleep thats all you do feed me
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hmm...
Decent topic, felt like you had your concepts set well in mind..You started out well, and it seems as if you took your time...Your vocabulary was above-par, and the piece was very fluent..The Imagery was great, I really liked the selection of Title for this piece....You could stand to work a little on internals, but it still had a pretty nice rhyme scheme...It seemed rock solid...Not HOF material, but you're getting there..
FAV PART:
Trivial questions, lacking explanation, a lust that one should not desire
consipered plans, malicious thoughts, of what he wanted and admired
this ingulfing fire, that urged him to covete what he wanted for glory
he feels that normality bores me, and it starts this malevolent story...
im a sucker for good beginnings...nice work, keep it up..
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bump thanks i'll hit ur piece
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hmmm streached lines... you tired to make em smaller so that it looked better anyway... still flowed well so fuck it... i tend to do the same thing... i liked the imagery here you had a nice way of using descriptions... good work here... its good to see new and dope heads.... anyway... not much to say other than that... showed that you can grasp a topic and portray a dope topical... nice work here... look forward to more...
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Nice little heartfelt piece, but you've really got to fix your structure. With the rhyme scheme you were using you could probally just simply chop most of these lines in half and be set. But ya that's gotta be fixed cuz those are entirely to long. Uuuum, the emotion was decent, coupled with stronger imagery I feel it could have been alot better. Good use of vocabulary, nice wide range which kept the piece alittle more technically which is always good. All around a pretty decent piece man, nothing amazing but it was average. Stay up and keep working at it.
I'd apreciate it if you could reply to the Abstanti collab:
"Poemicoriginate"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291509
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up its amzaing cause this is my first topical hoe lol
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hhmmmmm upp u sleeping hoes
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yeah, i was writing a piece like this, but lost interest... anyway the vocab was good, and the story was pretty nice as well.. the long lines didn't affect the flow that much, but try shortening them, (im guilty of that as well, so oh well), this was a tight little piece, keep on elevating fellow thug, and hit up my piece "Technicolor Angel" link in sig
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I like this. The imagery showed itself towards the middle of the piece. The vocabulary was there as well as some multi's. All I would say work on is your rhyme scheme and making your point come across a little better. other than that good work. keep it up.
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hmmmm bump for the last time
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