Terrible Ship

As then agonizing screams are heard, echoing through the halls
Death is known around these parts, in bodies it crawls
Glimpses of sun are occasionally caught by a luck soul
But the more common bodies are trapped in this hole
Under a ship, they’ve been placed against their will
They’ve been emotionally battered, with tears their eyes begin to fill

Arms covered in chains, legs tied in steel shackles
Each individual fighting to stay alive in their own personal battle
Heads gently focused at angles, chests steadily moving
Minds in despair at the thoughts that conditions aren’t improving
Mutiny has been attempted, but been stifled like an unwanted cry
After being starved for two days, nobody wanted to again try

Over moans and sobs, you can here a loud roar on deck
Then many-a slaves looking for a view of the scene turn their neck
All they observe is a land foreign to them, something oddly strange
Accustomed to their regular life, these people weren’t use to change
As they are untied, they look at their friends that have been dead
With minds unsure of what, for them, is now ahead...

links...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...14#post4404014

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...19#post4403919

I liked this piece because it was very descriptive. Great imagery i thought, use of vocab was good............also, there was some really good emotion in it.

my favorite part was:
Arms covered in chains, legs tied in steel shackles
Each individual fighting to stay alive in their own personal battle
Heads gently focused at angles, chests steadily moving
Minds in despair at the thoughts that conditions aren’t improving
Mutiny has been attempted, but been stifled like an unwanted cry
After being starved for two days, nobody wanted to again try

those 6 lines were just dope.......Good job.........


hit mine up............My Friend?

not bad at all. it was packed with imagery and you did a good job sticking to the topic and doing what you had to do with it. shit was short and sweet. maybe the flow coulda been a bit better and a little more multis and shit.. but other than that aight stuff man

As then agonizing screams are heard, echoing through the halls
Death is known around these parts, in bodies it crawls
Glimpses of sun are occasionally caught by a luck soul
But the more common bodies are trapped in this hole
Under a ship, they’ve been placed against their will
They’ve been emotionally battered, with tears their eyes begin to fill

^fav.

This Was A Good Piece. I Liked The Way You Told Everything In Detail So The Viewer Can Picture It An Not Try To Imagine It. Wordplay Was Great, An It Was Also A Huge Factor Of This Writing. Although You Are One Of The Only People In Open Mic's That I Have Witness'd To Tell A Story In Detail Instead Of Every Line Having 15 Huge Word's That Make No Sense. There Is A Few Thing's You Can Improve On.
.....
When I Say Vocabulary, That Doesn't Mean You Have To Use It 50 Million Times. Try An Throw In A Few Big Word's Here In There. Maybe If You Could Get Them To Rhyme. You Should Also Try To Put Together A Meaning Of The Story. Something More Obvious That Concludes Your Piece.

Favorite Line

-Arms covered in chains, legs tied in steel shackles
Each individual fighting to stay alive in their own personal battle

this was a gd piece of work man i like the way u drawed the readers in and the way you went deep in with it and showed imagery gd work man. i liked the 2nd verse more for sum reason it relates more. keep it up mah dude

rise for feed....

This was quite a good peice,you obviously have a lot of skill as a writer....you just need to learn from other people and take heed of what they are saying when they leave you feed back,and you will elevate a lot....oh and read the OM tutorials.This peice caught my eye because of the great amount of detail in it...you have described every thing so well,it really is very impressive.the imagery is also very good,it cast a picture in my minds eye,I felt like I was there.You actually remind me of the way I used to write,you need to shorten your lines a bit,and remember that good structure is not always simply putting your rhyming words at the end of each line,if you check the link I post below, you will see what I mean.you had a very good topic, it was very original,I don't think I've ever seen this done before,your storyline was very good,you dragged the audience in ad forced them to read on,which is a very good factor to have. I'm not going to say that this was superb,because I beleive that you could do a lot better,but I will say that it is very good.Listen to feed back,and check out Topicals in SS,and you will elevate very quickly.nice work.

Favourite lines:
Heads gently focused at angles, chests steadily moving
Minds in despair at the thoughts that conditions aren’t improving

and

Over moans and sobs, you can here a loud roar on deck
Then many-a slaves looking for a view of the scene turn their neck


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290505
leave feed on that please

to the top...

okay, it was cool.. ill admit. its a bit hard to belive ur 13, your vocabulary can be much better, no real big words in here. topic was meh, terrible ship? i meen.. BORING. but still, you did an above average job on it, could have been longer.. sure, but still good. the imagiry was here, sort've.. it fell off a bit, but ur strong part was definatly the flow and multies.. rhyme scheme wasnt too complicating, lol.. but made it not so boring to follow along. all in all, good job.. keep it up.

please rtf on a slept battle of mine, honest votes of course. its a topical.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290128

thanks.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wireless

to the top...

---

you gonna hit that link up?

The Topic Was Unoriginal In Itself
But You Did The Peice Right In Delivery
I Enjoyed The Storytelling Type Delivery
The Vocab Lacked..As Did Any Creativity Or Consistancy
But I See Potential So Keep At It

This was a very nice piece FAM.
i liked how you kept it short but nice creativity and choice of emotion and delivery!
it made it you not anyone else!.
it spoke out and showed its emotion and put me in your shoes ..
like i was writing this....it really worked out well. nice drop fam.

Arms covered in chains, legs tied in steel shackles
Each individual fighting to stay alive in their own personal battle
Heads gently focused at angles, chests steadily moving
Minds in despair at the thoughts that conditions aren’t improving
Mutiny has been attempted, but been stifled like an unwanted cry
After being starved for two days, nobody wanted to again try
^^^
This was my FAV. part of this piece!.
Keep at it homes!.

yea, witness, i am when i get back today...rise..

poppy

Lol this peice was fucking great. The flow was nice. the structre and the wordplay was fucking wonderfull. And the Plot was fucking incredible. But I don't get it....................7-10 piece.

Hit up my OM In return.

thx for feed, rise..

any more?

This was pretty nice, your vocabulary was good, you stuck real well on the topic never went of course with it, the hol story line was nice, i liked how this was short an sweet, the imagery was nice, everything came clear as i had read it, keep it up man, and hit up any OM in my sig plz and thnx.

upping.

omg this was an excellent peice...pretty short but very ennjoyable to read..the topic was interesting and it caught my eye....structure was very nice and even..flow was nice throughly as well...and overall i really liked this peice..nice job......

piece was good didn't feel ur topic choice
but u did have great imagery to me vocab
was good and above what most heads are dropping
keep it up maybe we can collab later ?

As then agonizing screams are heard, echoing through the halls
Death is known around these parts, in bodies it crawls
Glimpses of sun are occasionally caught by a luck soul
But the more common bodies are trapped in this hole
Under a ship, they’ve been placed against their will
They’ve been emotionally battered, with tears their eyes begin to fill

^^^best lines

upping.