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Dear Journal...
Well todays the big day, finally im ready
I've learned how to shoot and hold my gun steady
I've been practising for weeks, and now im a master
and I think it's about time that I begin this diaster
Bit i'll tell you my plan. since you hold my secrets
Your basically the only real friend i've ever met
You haven't been spent, didn't sell out my plots
It's a shame our long bond will end with a few shots
Well it's basically like this, I'm gonna kill myself
Then my mom will get her long and desired wealth
She'll get money from the country, and be famous as can be
And this is all my simple way of saying "sorry"
I've made her stressed, now she has a head without hair
I've ruined her life, so to make it good is only fair
Don't worry ma, be easy, rest underneath your covers
soon this will all be over my dear mother...
Well nows skools over, and i'm sitting at home
stroking the gun that'll blow off my dome
You'd think I'd be sad, but actually i'm not
If lifes a bitch then death is a nice one thats hot
Then I thought how my death will tear the world apart
How directors will fight for the rights to my plot
and the shot!....dam that shit is gonna b ill
too bad I won't be around to see my own blood spill
oh well...Thats one thing I won't get to see
What's the point of staying here if my mom doesn't love me
But Journal..am I crazy? for thinking this stuff
Nah...the world is crazy for making life so tough
Now just to write a shout out, wait...I have no friends
Except for my journal, paper, and my pen...
Only thing left is a time to pick my end
think west! a time to remember...11:11...
Well journal, I guess this is good bye old friend
atleast u'll still be around to preserve my rememberance
I can just picture it now...the cops finding this
cryin as the read the mind of a depressed young kid
I look at my pistol, and admire its shine
How could such a pretty object take such ugly lives
Then I look in my mirror...ya I see something
That something is a loser...an obtainer of nothing
Everything i've ever held...is what I couldn't hold...
Only the pieces in my journal have never been told
Im sorry lord, but this dance, the devils gonna steal
Now just to act the last chaper in my ordeal
I grab the picture of my mom, that's lying on my bed
softly let out a tear and kiss her on her head
Now where to place the pistol...head, heart, or jaw...
Oh yea...I forgot...............Happy Birthday Ma....
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=288881
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...08#post4392508
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this piece...i cant even explain.
it was heartfelt.ur flow it was kind of sketchy at first but i got into it.
it actually got to me.i liked ur ending the most.thats what caught my attention the most.used vocab that was easy to understand which really made it flow right off the tongue.keep it up
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thxn uppin some more feed
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aye this shit tight as hell
the flow was tight also i was feeling the whole topic though because it was on some o' gangsta type shit and you did good with expressin ya feelings towards what you was writin and the shit was long as fuck but you dropped a good piece i enjoyed the whole thing the beginnin came out strong cuz off top you spoke the real
hot.
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This was some good ish...your developing pretty good Def....also, i liked the structure, however it was a lil long, but i reckon the content did justice to the length. The description was good, more metas would add to the creativity...however the suicide thing is a lil played but it was good with the whole "Dear Journal" thing. Flow got better as the story progressed. So, overall a good OM...Keep it Poppin'
Also, check this OM if ya gotta the time, much preciated:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290086
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Don't need to up all day ^^
Another good flow, this one carried on a little bit and had quite a few lines that were choppy, but again a good story and I was pretty intrigued by it all. Also I agree that the ending really made the piece, I didn't really know what I thought of it up until the end and it sold me.
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you white flame from HHS?
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yes i am so dont say i bit
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yeah this was a nice piece i was feeling
every thing you was saying nice structure
nice wordplay vocab nice imagination and all that
keep doing ya thing
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Okay.. lol, where to start.
Decent peice, nothing great, umm.. your rhyme scheme was to fuckin' simple, and the vocabulary was easy. but to get down on the real stuff.. your story line was bogus at some parts. you said that your mother is depressed, stressed, tearing her hair out.. because u will die, but the bright side is.. shell be wealthy from making money. but later on.. u had said.. "my mother doesnt love me" now, if ur mother was going to be rich.. and wealthy.. but she didnt love u, why would she be depressed about u killing urself. just read ur shit over, have it make more sence. also, the ending was a bit empty.. okay, i kno he killed himself.. but "happy birthday ma" made me laugh.
all in all, you have much room for improvement.. but this peice wasnt half bad, keep it up man.
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290128
rtf on a slept TOPICAL battle of mine. thanks.
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thanx now uppin for my last time damm
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i liked the topic here...excellent structure overall and very nice flow..
rhymes and multies were good......vocab was nice and same with complexity
imagery was nice and the whole peice was really good.....
i enjoyed it..keep it up..
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this was good defently wit the topic you used the general topic was kinda common but since everyone has an indavidual journal you brought somethin new wordplay and flow were for the most part were good a lil rough in some places the rhymes really heartfelt and it seemed like you could either speak or rap it which was cool rhyming was good a lil off in some places though and structure was dope so good peice stay up
leave feed on my om in ma sig
