Blinded.

Blinded

Feet soaked n’ held in by 5 feet of asphalt
Halt and seek threw the souls counter fit vault
Bolt from the room clutching your heart in agony
With shifted eyes see the aroma dramatizing

Move closer to existence…
Twirl into my world with bare resistance
The Subtle swirl of glycerine on ice… priorities non vice
The price for red white and blue freedom… blood on the rocks
Knock first before you enter this foul surrounding
Mountain of outstanding acts demanding waver singing

I’m Unable to ration my passion,
slowly amounting….
To ashes and broken devotion patches
Reciting the last page of my book of life
Torn and bent… scornfully sent n’ meant
to change my body’s heart
more facts portrayed, foundations miss laid
I stop ponder and shout,
Flip my anguish around and resound my doubt

The wind flickers against the sands of time
As I blast my foot into Eve’s beach oasis
Being reborn a game…
….Adam shouts “I don’t want to play this”
he and I once saw through the rhythm into clarity…
Now I undeliberately cannot find sanity in my vicinity
There is no remedy…
Liberty steered clear into the statue of meaning… see?

No…

Illuminated visions brings gasps to anonymous faith holders
The atheists clutch there eyes to withdraw…
………………………. from the fading light as it turns over
like the moon and sun cascading the sky’s might
Brilliance dies in an attempt to split darkness’s tight hold
with rays unbent… there…Manifestation
it meant salvation, yet into broken hands it fell and began to mold…
Demands spiralling down… and…
Falling back into another fading, had-been, soon to spark…
The cave fills with the sounds of an off tune doom harp
Demonic symphony altering... perfect to tattered and torn
Definitive patterns etching mesh scars across virgin tissue
I’ll Miss you… one day.
So stay… at bay… and remember subtly…
That one day in may the truth double was shaved
When the sun fell to black, none where saved…
As my eyes can only see what’s left of her grave

Loan or Save a little prayer… and
Throw away the knife…
Hold me close
For The last task of my life…

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289261
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287859

To me this read was ok, but the topic BLINDED? I mean what the fuck lol
Didnt see this was a great title for this piece... Allot of the lines I didnt really
get dont think they made much sence example ;-

First Line "5 feet of ash fault" Hmmm what is ash fault?
Second Line "Halt and seek threw the souls vault" Souls Vault? what is that

I mean it all looks nice and pretty but this aint really what I call a great read
This too me is more like a freestyle poem/topical with less flow and delivery

anyway props for the effort, just keep at it duke pz

ashfault... are you kidding me... look out your window onto the road.

Ok my bad on that... so what has that got too do with 'Blinded'?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Punisher

Ok my bad on that... so what has that got too do with 'Blinded'?

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did you notice how i made light always fade threout the peice...

without light there is no sight.

Punisher do not leave critiques on things that are a level above you, don't you know curiousity killed the cat........

AS for this topical, yeah i liked it, i had that feeling that something was surpressed i.e. light only shimmering not in full view due to the writer being "blinded". I liked the flow it was aight the ending verse was good to. I see a resembalance in our styles but that's only when i write all higg with vocab. So overall it twas good and keep em Poppin'

haha... i myself am new to the whole concept of how u write it affects the verse... but i did like the piece... though the blind part also confuses me... but eh? im sure you all know what it means... lol the vocab was nice, but man... sometimes too much will leave u sittin here like huh... what did he say? lol anyhow, nice peice bro, think u can give an opinion out my drop Bar Wars? right on cuz

ashfault?????????= Asphalt a resin substance used on roads and for roof coverings ....


yeah some of your vocab was somewhat misleading.... still u had good rhyme and reason within..........nice structure and good flow.....concept yeah i could see how u connected it to blinded.. relating to darkness of a grave.. still i found a lot of the content bewildering.. and diddnt all seem to merge together...

and as for using that "intensity" attempted punch also in 1-2 seems strange... still its not too much of a nice punch at all... and doesnt gel in this piece etheir . and i dont know where hitler suddenly came from at the end. i mean there was no specific reference to him or his deeds anywhere else in the verse..........
so all in all i'd say nice rhyming and visual images but content came accross strange . i dont know why u drop so quick for SS as u have plenty more time to put a more complete content together.. keep doing ya thing ...

pz1

hehehe my bad thanks ninja on the ashphault tip.
and thanks for feed everyone.

upp'n...

yeah! good edits twix i can feel the verse now f'sho ... poetic . and flowing storyline .
flow's sharp shooting. yeah i feel it as a more complete piece now

ninjah 1

Yeah the vocab can be misleading,but still a very intresting read..To me it had that twisted Silent hill type of feel..You were talking bout 2 things at once..Well thats what I got out this..Not HOF material,but Mos def a nice OM.

doopaloop.

this was good man
alot of emotion good sense of Imagery
it was like horror type shit...like sum resident evil type shit
but it was tight...vocab was a lil off but it was still pretty good
~1~

Nice drop Twixn. This was one of your better OMs but As Vlad said not nearly OMHOF material. The Imagery was good, but not really intense I don't know how you were trying to put it in but still good. The emotiomal on the other hand was pretty good and deep. The title went well but I thought that it deserves a better title but that's just meh. LMAO at the vocab though. Thatwas probably the only flaw. Maybe fixing it a bit wit the imagery would make it a OMHOF peice. But overall good drop.
7.1/10