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Tears of the father
Tears of the father
http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=.../illus0102.jpg
“Don’t worry, this is strictly confidential
Go ahead Sir, tell us your story”
United with my soul mate, I stood victorious
I felt invincible, the moment was glorious
The sunny day, re-ignited the flame in my soul
The cloudless sky seemed to fill my heart’s gaping hole
A basic scroll, fell to my feet, I looked at it inadvertently
Not knowing or caring that it would end up hurting me
And personally, I now wish I had simply left it on the beach
To let it decompose and turn to ashes from the heat
But I became my own defeat, the scroll contained a curse
what it forced me to undertake left my beloved in a Hurst
“It’s ok sir you can stop if you want to “
“No I must finish my story”
We arrived at home, after our amazing day, we fell into bed
Without realising, I produced the scroll, and read what it said
“she hates you, she doesn’t really want to be here
Take a weapon and make your dominance clear”
The enchantment of these lines drove me insane
I had to obtain, a weapon or I would be forever in pain
I crept into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and entered her room
I have already killed my wife, now I kill my daughter too
With a rush of blood to the head, I slice her throat
Make her choke, her attempts at speaking are merely a croak
“ok sir I think we’ve heard enough”
“no please, let me finish”
I fell to my knees, blood stains over my clothes
I began to weep, as I saw the final movement of her toes
The squawking of crows, made me suicidal once more
For they had also squawked, when I shot my wife to the floor
I crawl upon my daughter, and collapse into a fit of tears
My demise nears, as I sense that the demonic scroll leers
It laughs upon my loss, I run from my house, fall on my knees
You found me and brought me here, forcing me to drink cold tea
There is nothing left for me now, my soul has been flattened
I will just mourn over my loss, and weep over how it happened
This man was later jailed for life, for the murder of his daughter
He does not talk, he won’t eat, he just cries non-stop
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wtf @ no one leaving feed after I left so much feed yesterday
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This was a very disturbing and very good OM the imagery of the man killin his wifr and daughter are very vivid and the dialouge within the OM
“ok sir I think we’ve heard enough”
“no please, let me finish”
makes the Om very unique gud job
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good shit nice vocab nice flow there were very few weak influential lines keep it up
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thanks for the feed people
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nice job witness, you had some good imgary, awesome wordplay, and nice structure. i liked when in the middle you were like "no let me finish". this was a good piece, although very disturbing. keep at it. peace.
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Hey man...this was brilliant...i like shit like this....keep it up. sorry, im not good with feedback
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no worries....i been trying to get Sal-V and Bounce and people like that to help me out, cause i wanna get better. but they dont seem keen. lol...like i said, keep up the good work
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This was a pretty nice write. I liked how you used sequencial storytelling CORRECTLY, alot of writers around here just kind of list things off, but you cept a nice steady flow of content throughout. I think your strong point in this piece was the storyline, it was a very intricate mapping out of things to come between the intro's and little settups inbetween verses, but you pulled it all off without having anything so blatant that it ruind your actual content, which is often difficult to do. Uuuum, one thing I didn't like it sometimes your wording seemed off, but it didn't even look like it was an amatuer mistake, it looked more like you just did it to rhyme. Thats the only thing that kind of killed this piece for me, it seemed to focus alittle to much on rhyming and flow than it did flow of content. But, it was a decent drop either way. Stay up and keep writing man.
I'd apreciate it if you could leave feedback on my new Om:
"When the Elephant Walks..."
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287748
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thanks for the feed...gimme 20 mins and I'll leave feed to that....I gotta run to the shop.
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This was a very interesting story to read man...and i enjoyed reading it....the topic was excellent to describe what happens...the story was pretty creative and i liked how it had the man speaking then he wants to finish that was tight i liked that...vocab and complexity was no doubt here man..the helped out the imagery quite a bit..i followed the story all the way due to great flow and imagery like i said before....your rhymes were really good and good multies in places.....so overall this was an excellent interesting, pretty creative story that i enjoyed reading so i'll give this peice a 9.2/10...excellent peice..keep it up...peace~~
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i'm glad you all enjoyed it...uppin for some more feed
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ive pulled on the father issue... so its not a new topic... but definatly one you took at a deifferent angle... nice work here... the emotion was the centerpeice of your work... it all came together nicely you could feel it was genuine... keep at this.. i thought you droped solid here and established yourself as a decent writer.... havent read fromy u yet but i would like to see more... keep at it :)
its good to see more from you... gotta get used to the people in my crew... hah keep up the feed swapping its nice to have other writers ideas... plus have them dropping on your peices to feed and critisize on my work. toodles.
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word thanks man,I'm going to be dropping more often now
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i liked this OM a lot
i dont see much of this type of Topics around
i like it cuz ur bringing a new Element to da rap game
the Structure was beautiful, Flawless wordplay
the topic was str8 with nice supporting details
it had a good storyline..i belive this is a HOF type piece
Good Job :2thumb:
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thanks man...glad you liked it
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This was an excellent and very creative piece. I liked it a lot, the structure was awesome, the vocab and complexity was evident. The point of view seemed to help mesh this story together and it contained great imagery. I like drops like this because they're so original and unique, instead of these stereotypical played out topics. Nice job man, I give you mad propz.
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