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I just can't take it
The king-like stature of my oppressor , glares at me with malice
As I reluctantly crumble under the pressure, of his intimidating palace
I bow before him, merely a shadow in his presence, I cower with fear
My towering peer, makes it undeniably clear, that his power is here
With a gesture of hand, he signals for my friends to come forth and beg
They scurry forward like mice, and obediently fall on one leg
The dull walls of this room are scattered with paintings of obvious symbolism
Some big, some small, but all add to my over-whelming feeling of pessimism
The grey and dank bares evidence of tortured souls, forced to give in to this cult
To indulge in horrific acts, of which are actually encouraged by adults
But they don’t know what goes on , outside it may look like a joyous place
But the interior banishes souls, and gets rid of any hope or optimism with haste
Sure there are people here, that are supposedly decent citizens
But they too are simply unaware, of this place’s fake innocence
three times a day, I am tortured beyond the sight of any helpful being
I find my self agreeing, that this is not what I am actually seeing
I am forced to play a part of my own demise, he wants me to blame myself
But I blame, my parents for either not noticing, or not wanting to help
I crawl home, my clothes ragged and torn, from another day of hell
My parents are bickering like children, so I decide to join in as well
I tell them I hate them, their narrow minds can’t see what lies beneath
For too long I have clenched my teeth, and now they finally realise my grief
But it is too late for my soul, this world has turned my heart into an empty pool
My life is gone, it was cruel and my public school was the murder tool
The boy lifts the gun, as his parents run in the door
‘Sorry Mom and Dad, I just can’t take it anymore’
After some research the police reported back to his parents, the news was brief
‘He was being bullied in school, and we believe his aim was to end his grief’
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The rythmic style of this was greate, it was a good read, strucure was good and the vocab was pretty good too, the use of multies and the description you used put made this lines stand out more, overall it was a good piece i liked teh edning as well...so yeah good work, keep the art going ma dog
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This Shit Was Good Nice Strucure Good Vocab Hot Wordplay And Overall A Hot Drop Keep It Up
Peace
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Okay i hated the first stanzas, it was really basic and the emotion and imagery just wasn't felt, you could have done alot better with that...
But then when i moved onto the middle i began to enjoy it alot more, the imagery was good, which to me is the most important thing to my enjoyment of the piece as a whole (as i'm a poet)... the emotion was very good, i can tell that you were talking about things you've been though (bar the suicide thing obviously lol)... your structure usually is horrible, but in this you really have made an improvement, but i still feel that you need work int hat area, remember although this is not audio it's still lyrics therfor you have to consider the fact that the reader will be verbally rapping it whilst reading... but yes i definately feel you have made a vast improvement in this area, your flow is also getting better, your starting to use more complex rhyme schemes instead of merely rhyming at the end of every line, as that's kind of newbish, your starting to use more mulits in your work, which although you may not notice is making you seem alot more professional in your approach to writing.
Well done.
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damn thanks for the feed mate...it's appreciated ALOT
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ok i liked it although its not the style i usually get into, because u told the story pretty well, but if anything i would have liked to have seen better vocab and maybe a lil shorter lines but that just wut i think, nice topical tho, keep droppin
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I liked this it was decent. it flowed and rhymed good. But u need to use more meta4s and keep the creativeness going. All though this was decent keep it up
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That was some deep shit homie. That was very well structured and the way it was worded caught my eye. I love it. Keep it up.
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man heaps of nice words there loved the complexity of it old style love that lordof the rings type shit right there keep it comming
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The king-like stature of my oppressor , glares at me with malice
As I reluctantly crumble under the pressure, of his intimidating palace
I bow before him, merely a shadow in his presence, I cower with fear
My towering peer, makes it undeniably clear, that his power is here
good opener nice wording good flow i really like it
Flow:::: i liked it ur flow was very good all thru tha om i was impresed fo sho
Wordplay::: very good u had nice wordplay all way thru this piece this was deff a great piece
Vocab::: i luved it u had a nice vocab wit some pretty good an big words lol(i hate big words tho lol)
Topic:: was Great u stayed on it it fell off at times but for 98%u stayed on it which is very good an important
I tell them I hate them, their narrow minds can’t see what lies beneath
For too long I have clenched my teeth, and now they finally realise my grief
But it is too late for my soul, this world has turned my heart into an empty pool
My life is gone, it was cruel and my public school was the murder tool
great closer
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ok, this was an awesome piece. i could keep up with the rhythm, you had nice structure, and your wordplay was good. overall, i liked this becuse i could relate to the topic. nice job, keep elevating. peace.
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This was a well written piece. Clearly you have alot of talent, just a few things like structure and line length could use some tweaking... But aside from that you're definately on your way. The way you write is kind of like Jonathan's, the way you dont completely tech out your storylines, but rather keep it simple with beautiful detial and description. The emotion in this piece was ok, it never really struck me as amazing or anything but it was ok. Overall this was a strong piece... Keep writing and making that name man.
I'd apreciate it if you could return the favor:
"L.A. Reed Bought my Soul"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287417
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word thanks for the feed
yea word I'll leave feed now
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This piece went together fairly well. Before anything, I'm going to say the same thing I say to other people; cut down the length of your lines. It makes the flow choppy. Besides that this was a nice piece. Wording your sentences is key and you pulled that off with a mix of good vocab and multis. Imagery was there, although not always seeming stable at times ( ideas weren't always clear) it didn't do much to harm the piece. All in all good job on this and keep it up.
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thanks for the feed dude,and yea I'm working on cutting the length of my lines down.
