Psycho

ok before I start this story, let me take you back and explain what came before
my Mum passed away a year ago, and my little sister died at the young age of four
the tears cleanse my eyes, but my mind is forever diseased, my soul has been lost
my head convulses in shock, I foam at the mouth, I am my own mind’s riposte
I disgust my self. but someone else disgusts me even more, a filthy demon
this creature has filled my life with impurity, and I will now get even

‘’you can’t control me anymore’’
‘’oh but I can’’
‘’you have left my wrists sore’’
‘’shut the fuck up and be a man’’

that’s all he ever says, but it’s hypocritical really, I can’t believe he has the nerve
how can he tell me that I’m not a man, when he wiped his own Mum off of this earth?
and yes I know that doesn’t change his gender, but a real man couldn’t do that
as I look at the face of demonic evil, I know I’ve never seen anyone so mad
I watched him beat my little sister, and I tried to intervene, tried to protect her
watched her bleeding, saw her beautiful little face, with its perfect texture

‘’I hate you with all my heart’’
‘’oh I love you too’’
‘’look don’t even start’’
‘’why? what you gonna do?’’

he knows I could never stand up to him, but it’s getting very tempting
his actions have left my life, my mind, and now even my soul empty
the scars on my body, are just superficial, it’s inside that’s really scarred
I am the most insecure person alive, but on the outside I try to look hard
I sit on this couch, it hold the memories of the past inside it’s very stitching
the flowery pattern has seen the death of everything my life is missing

‘’leave me alone…please!!!’
‘’no, it’s your turn now’’
‘’ I’m begging on my knees’’
‘’stay there while I turn the lights out’’

the room darkens, the street lights outside are the only light in this room
if I let him find me in the dark then I know that my life is doomed
I hide in the corner, afraid to breath, trying not to make a single noise
I sneak to the light switch, turn it on, I see him menacingly standing poised
He’s staring at me, I look back into the eyes of a this confused and evil man
I try to swing a punch at his face, but the mirror shatters and cuts my hand

lniks coming soon

we should... uhh swap.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Twixn...

we should... uhh swap.

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I sit on this couch, it hold the memories of the past inside it’s very stitching
the flowery pattern has seen the death of everything my life is missing

‘’leave me alone…please!!!’
‘’no, it’s your turn now’’
‘’ I’m begging on my knees’’
‘’stay there while I turn the lights out’’

the fade in with the short lines worked well with the flow which was impressive to see... nice elements in this one... i haven't read much of your stuff.... you should check out written voices... :P but really nice emotion here... along with imagery... tied it all together beautifully... this is the kind of interesting peice i like to read.... keep at it.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...79#post4279879

first link...and yea I'll leave feed on yours now...thanks for the feed man,it's much appreciated.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...87#post4279887

second link

A great topic and well illustraited, good to see some fresh talent on the board man. You used some good imagery and great structure to make this piece readable. The next thing you need to do is shorten your line length a little and work on strengthening your vocab. Some multi's also would've helped the flow of the piece but you have the 2 most important parts of a topical piece (topic and imagery) nailed down. You work on those other areas and you could be SS league material in a couple of months.

Keep posting.

thanks alot for the feed dude it's appreciate alot,and I'll be sure to use it.

uppin for some for feed

okay this was excellent kind of reminds me of the OM i jus did.... the structure was good vocab imagery emotion...

‘’you can’t control me anymore’’
‘’oh but I can’’
‘’you have left my wrists sore’’
‘’shut the fuck up and be a man’’

that’s all he ever says, but it’s hypocritical really, I can’t believe he has the nerve
how can he tell me that I’m not a man, when he wiped his own Mum off of this earth?
and yes I know that doesn’t change his gender, but a real man couldn’t do that
as I look at the face of demonic evil, I know I’ve never seen anyone so mad
I watched him beat my little sister, and I tried to intervene, tried to protect her
watched her bleeding, saw her beautiful little face, with its perfect texture

^^^ thats deep

the room darkens, the street lights outside are the only light in this room
if I let him find me in the dark then I know that my life is doomed
I hide in the corner, afraid to breath, trying not to make a single noise
I sneak to the light switch, turn it on, I see him menacingly standing poised
He’s staring at me, I look back into the eyes of a this confused and evil man
I try to swing a punch at his face, but the mirror shatters and cuts my hand

^^^ that shyt had me on the edge i was really feeling this... as i said before emotion was great in this piece wow 10/10 good job

thanks alot,I'm glad yall liked it......uppin for some more feed

Dope shit. pz.

^lmao loving the detailed feed homie

ryt ok man dat was some hot shit man its so deep man i cud never do sumit like dat n u must av experienced sumit like day 2 fink it all up man the wordin was mint n kinda gd structure n i was nearly cryin lol it was so gd man

lol thanks but no never experienced anything of the sort.....oh and did you get what I was trying to imply at the very end?

ur flow was good and i liked ur emotion some deep shit sorta had me edge which i like by this i no ur lyrics consist of a lot of intellect nice drop keep it up peace

now time to leave feed on mine

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=285496

peace

aight thanks for the feed.

uppin

Yup, you are on your way as mentioned by mr six feet. You did have the basics down, now you just have to increse your complexity a bit and reach the reader. Some work on alternating rhyme schemes and maybe improved diction in areas will put this over the top. So, keep dropping and working on utilizing all the components to a good write. Make your strenghts work for you.

thanks for the feed dude,it will be used.

Yo witness good.... homie i liked it homie.....

u aint have a picture i like when u have a pic that goes along with the story...i like how u made the intro and shit then had the quotes for the speakin alnoe...shit was dope...

he knows I could never stand up to him, but it’s getting very tempting
his actions have left my life, my mind, and now even my soul empty
the scars on my body, are just superficial, it’s inside that’s really scarred
I am the most insecure person alive, but on the outside I try to look hard

i like that line right there...good every thing...9/10...keep it up...

ps. like pink 2...SHHH...

man this shit was deep yo. i mean i feelin everything about it yo. i mean yo it was real crazy yo. was all this true yo? sorry bout sayin yo so much......but good spit nigga. u did ya thang

lol thanks......but nah this was completely made up,thanks for the feed ''yo'' lol

that was really well-written, complex yet easy to comprehend. it was a very visual kind of work, made it easy for me to imagine each seperate part of it coming alive. it was pretty disturbing, however it was illustrated in good taste. i also really liked the ending, a nice twist in the end is perfect for the kind of work that this is, good job man, keep that kind of stuff coming.

imagery...good...flow wasnt so good and your lines were like miles long. it stretched across the whole page. vocab was good and not forced at all. structure was good... i felt the imagery was the factor in this piece.

try not to have the lines extra long please.

Stay Up Dude

A great topic.....u had good imagery in this...emotion in this went real nice with the imagery...to of the biggest things that stood out the most in this peice was them...umm the only thing i can say to elevate more on is the vocab....umm flow was on point and the structure had me lost for a minute but then i got the scheme on that so it was fine...overall keep droppin nice stuff like this...good job

aight thanks...uppin.

dopeness..... add complexity n u r set ... keep it up

Good topic choice, always a ood start, this was a really good piece, the structure was very well placed and everything seemed as though you took pride in every line rather than rushing the piece, i was impressed with your usuage of flow, it was very well placed but i think you may benifit from using a few multis and a different rhyme pattern, you need to shorten your lines, but to me this did not degrade the piece atall, i found it a very good read, The vocab was good, not to over the top which is good to see, and you placed the bigger words very weell, making sure not to place them too often thus ruining the read.
well done and keep writting.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Verbal Insanity.

Good topic choice, always a ood start, this was a really good piece, the structure was very well placed and everything seemed as though you took pride in every line rather than rushing the piece, i was impressed with your usuage of flow, it was very well placed but i think you may benifit from using a few multis and a different rhyme pattern, you need to shorten your lines, but to me this did not degrade the piece atall, i found it a very good read, The vocab was good, not to over the top which is good to see, and you placed the bigger words very weell, making sure not to place them too often thus ruining the read.
well done and keep writting.

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thanks dude it's appreciated

oh and chilltyrant......die.

this was hellish..opener was dope, nice structure and good imagery.could do with a bit improvement on tha voacb, a few multis would of helped it flow better, but this was still the best piece ive read on this site in the past couple of months fo real,
ss material in a couple of months no doubt, keep @ it cuz,.1

nice work king :P nice topic good flow and overall not much to say except nice work lol :)

he knows I could never stand up to him, but it’s getting very tempting
his actions have left my life, my mind, and now even my soul empty
the scars on my body, are just superficial, it’s inside that’s really scarred
I am the most insecure person alive, but on the outside I try to look hard

fav part there^

Flow:::: very good i was impressed cuz ur flow was nice an smooth for liketha whole om it didnt really fall off
vocab::: really good u had some nice wording in this it was deff 1 of tha best this month
wordplay:::really good i was so impressed by this to u had nice wordplay all thru an nice real nice rhyming
Topic:: i luved tha topic an u stayed on it all tha way it was real dope this piece should be nominated for HOF jus real dopeness