I'm No Superman. (SS Wk 3)

Title given in SS was: Breathing in the last breath.


I'm No Superman

People say we're forever dying once we're born
If thats a fact! Where's the people lying once we're gone?
I live on..

See I was just a child - overcome with canonicals, I feared the phenomenal
& all the while, I had invincible principles that were more than probable
its imaginable - inciting not a hate, but a beautiful fate . . awaits
across the coarsed pathway to heavens gate. The irony only cascades
and evolves along the lace of life. . what a way to find my calling.
Money's appaulling, the penny fell & didn't drop, but I'm still falling..
while the time's still crawling. You know it gets fucking lonely being me
repeatedly, hesitantly watching death creap upto my family.
Only pungent fallacy's attract me, attack me - to kill my faith
I lie and wait, they pry and hate.. a steely mind they try to taint.
But I live on..

I was 12 years old, "a bold little soldier" I was labelled by my Mother
Back then, me and my Brother use to get upto all kinds with one another
Getting covered in black sut from the old mines that were packed up
& one day, the entrance to the mines just piled shut.
It was fucked.. the foundations caved in, hollowed out like a basin
My Brother was crushed to death and I lived for my failings
I couldn't stand the life I was facing, one with guilt and repression
Coming out unhurt without a scratch only fuelled my obsession..
What's wrong with me? Never forgone..
& still I live on..

The dreams came thick and fast with a added twist of eavesdropping
but the illusion was short & didn't last to see what I was watching
Rather than gaze crossing, I simply tried to forget the regret
and with weights attatched to my ankles.. I sank.. I was wet
Sea water caressed my lungs and didn't attempt to drown me down
The sudden quench of realisation can be a fiery sound.
I live on..
& I cannot die. Why? This is now a rhetoric I imply..
for I live for comminions and sermons answering questions in time
For I am God's alliby for a crime of making people earn their right
to an after life. Which is a second stage of life filled with light.
No darkness of death, no breathing in the last breath
If people still mutter "he's a freak of nature" - they are correct.
For now I something left,
For now I know my Brother is alive..
For, he breathed in his last breath just for me to survive.

I live on.. with a purpose.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...16#post4113916
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=277921

this is sik. Deep, emotional, rhymes and multis were constructed well. Structured brilliantly- luvin the repetition on 'I live on', basic but effectiv, and it was extended at the end.

There was wordplay 2 which was good, culd b improved tho- mind you this piece didn't really need alot of wordplay.

1 critisism- ur lines were 2 long, ruined the flow I thought- it culd work but it wuld be hard 2 put 2 music.

I felt ur pain tho readin this man- which means u did a gud job.

Great piece....absolutely great piece. Great multis rhymes...impeccable wording.
Might I mention the imagery was perfect and excellent use of metaphors. Words fit together like lego pieces. Great storytelling...excellent piece. The question is...not how I rate your piece...but how do you rate my rating? Do you find it to your liking? Is this absolute gushing "good" feedback or should I say what I really think. Can u handle da truth?

great piece umm i might not know how too write em ( hense you allwes closeing my OM's) but i no how too read em. good structure rymed alot thats good emotional piece's is startin to get alil played everry om i read is about lose'n your friend or sum shit but this was one emotional piece that was slightly original witch is good vocab was up derr could have been alil better like vocab is 9/10 hmm every thing was real good
it was abit too long thoe


is good enuff for a link lol

sick piece ... like wreka said,this had a deep/emotional feel to it,and the repetance of "i live on" with the explination/story before it was creative/genius ....

For now I know my Brother is alive..
For, he breathed in his last breath just for me to survive.

^^the ending just finished it off nicely ...i dont think there's anything left to critisize cause every aspect of this looks like it was planned out well,...HOWEVER ... depending on how you read and concieve this ,some lines do look a tad bit stretched,but other then that i gotta give this 9/10... nice work

Edit:
btw i take it you're the mod of this section or whatnot,
so is there anyway you can unlock my post,i had posted the links
in it when i first posted,it and when i went back and edited it later on for color,typos,etc ... i forgot to put the links back..but i sent them to you in a PM since i cant modify my post...if/when you get a chance that would be much appreciated ... but other then that ..again ... Sick Post

hey dude i have to confess u have a strong freestyle and very good vocab. and that shit was tigt and i wanna ask u for somethin stupied and dont go angrey dude i wont to go in a battles against u if ya dont mind
send for me a massege ok man if u accept the battle

this was a real good piece good creativity and meta's and it was very vivid I could picture parts it was almost clear I loved this piece I klnow you were a major factor in SS also had good structure and was very deep and imagery just a good drop to me good shit Brix~1~

Touching, raw in emotion and depressing in mood. Poetic scheme really worked on this peice here, the word choice was very nice and gave off the right amout of emotion and painted pictures in the readers mind. This came off as poetry more than it did rap in general, and I aprpeciate that. When I first started participating in things around here, this kind of write would have been passed by due to it's poetic dynamics. It's nice to see things have changed on RB topical scene, nice read here. One thing that stood out to me, is the take on topic, you went with the obvious take, atleast IMO. Other than that, this is a damn nice read. Just was not in the mood for that, kind of made me feel sad. I have full day ahead of me, no time for sadness..

Bounce couldnt have put it any better. This story was sad in a sort of sence. But I greatly enjoyed it. The topic was not played at all, and the way you approached it was remarkable. You had good rhyme shceme, no big multies, but it wasnt off flow.. It flows poetically. The structure was perfect, but most of all the imagiry was amazing. Im proud to say that this peice is one of the best Ive read so far. Im definatly looking forward to seeing you drop more here, along with in SS. Great job.

Please return the favor on one of my own peices:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=279120

This was an aiight drop it had a few good lines favorite would have to be - well I don't have one ----------I said it once and i'll say it again -------- I don't feel you dog and the hood don't feel you ------ this piece seemed like somthing you would hear in a coffe house or something just too poetic for me -- i liked the pain in it -- but its just something like if you spit that shit in the hood niggas aint gonna respect that and uhhhhhhhhhhh hip hop or rap is for the hood ya know and I don't know what that verse was for but keep it up from the people who replied ahead of me they was feeling you just not me ya know so don't let me stop ya --- ya know keep doing ya thing somebody some where who's feeling you , the hood just aint

Back to the top.

I was 12 years old, "a bold little soldier" I was labelled by my Mother
Back then, me and my Brother use to get upto all kinds with one another
Getting covered in black sut from the old mines that were packed up
& one day, the entrance to the mines just piled shut.
It was fucked.. the foundations caved in, hollowed out like a basin
My Brother was crushed to death and I lived for my failings
I couldn't stand the life I was facing, one with guilt and repression
Coming out unhurt without a scratch only fuelled my obsession..
What's wrong with me? Never forgone..
& still I live on..

that was my favorite part. i really liked yo multis and yo flow. this was a Definite Great Piece

well....hmmmm...i liked this at first...but the more i read...the more i felt the flow was really repetitive...you have to switch it up....or people willl not be able to stay with the piece and it will lose meaning. I thought the multis were pretty good....and ur vocab is advanced...but some words were misconstrued i think...also the multis started to die off a little towards the end....but overall a good piece...like I said...switch up the flow and be destined for lyrical greatness. one.

See I was just a child - overcome with canonicals, I feared the phenomenal
& all the while, I had invincible principles that were more than probable
its imaginable - inciting not a hate, but a beautiful fate . . awaits
across the coarsed pathway to heavens gate. The irony only cascades
and evolves along the lace of life. . what a way to find my calling.
Money's appaulling, the penny fell & didn't drop, but I'm still falling..
while the time's still crawling. You know it gets fucking lonely being me
Dope^
The way you brought out your subject in this part of the writing was amazing and very intense. You kept the image alive that was SOON TO COME as you read on into the piece. you talked more about the reasons you were NO SUPERMAN instead of going into some aimless topic that was completely off. It's Fucking Lonely being you .. that was a good line as well. It brought out the feelings of the writer and what he thinks of himself and basically TOLD EVERYONE that he thought bad of himself for reasons soon to come..


I was 12 years old, "a bold little soldier" I was labelled by my Mother
Back then, me and my Brother use to get upto all kinds with one another
Getting covered in black sut from the old mines that were packed up
& one day, the entrance to the mines just piled shut.
It was fucked.. the foundations caved in, hollowed out like a basin
My Brother was crushed to death and I lived for my failings
I couldn't stand the life I was facing, one with guilt and repression
Coming out unhurt without a scratch only fuelled my obsession..
Da Shit^
I liked that first bar .. "I was labelled by my Mother" .. that tells the reader a lot about the personality level of the person. That the person had or still has some sort of respect for Women and life. that he is not just some random person. The old mines line ..to me kind of meant that, maybe the person has some old SECRETS to be told or to be kept locked away, for reasons unknown. But these secrets may soon be revealed to the reader later on..

as for the ending ..very dramatic and sad. It came to such an abrupt closure it almost made a tear stream out from your eye. I understood the fullness of that. Sad ..but somehow meaningful, Great job.

Keep it up.
Hit up my soon to be link.

the word play was ridiculous the whole concept had me wantin to read what comes next ........it's long winded as hell but i loved it mad props u right .......we are not mutants with un-natural capabilities. just human

i liked this piece, it kept me reading till the end, was interesting, a bit poetic, which is nice, but if would like to rap this i think itll be hard since the lines are not structured well, so its not flowing very well, but still okay. your vocabs for this piece were on point, so were wordplays, nice piece with emotions that i could feel.

See I was just a child - overcome with canonicals, I feared the phenomenal
& all the while, I had invincible principles that were more than probable
its imaginable - inciting not a hate, but a beautiful fate . . awaits
across the coarsed pathway to heavens gate. The irony only cascades
and evolves along the lace of life. . what a way to find my calling.
Money's appaulling, the penny fell & didn't drop, but I'm still falling..
while the time's still crawling. You know it gets fucking lonely being me
repeatedly, hesitantly watching death creap upto my family.
Only pungent fallacy's attract me, attack me - to kill my faith
I lie and wait, they pry and hate.. a steely mind they try to taint.
But I live on..
THIS PIECE WAS sad yet indignite but it was go0ood i loved the multies the vocabulary and wordplay was excellent.. the lines above were the lines that stuck out to me the most i loved the whole BUT I LIVE ON concept stayed well on topic no superman i loved it good om keep it up best i've seen on this site

Damn that was deep, emotional and great vocab. I liked how you put rhymes within ya sentences and kept a steady flow. Good rhythm and it seemed that ya lines were a little lengthy. Thats the least on my list but Ya did a solid piece and told a story quite gracefully.

Check my piece "Lost War" it would be deeply appreciated and I keep gettin replies from like new cats and u a veteran so thatll help. Thanks