One Way Ticket To Hell

One Way Ticket To Hell

The wind blows through the demons hair
as it seeks out prey above a rock on the cliff
silently groaning was his stomach of terror
awaiting a poor youth to stumble and slip

taking you to an eternity of torture and pain
suffering for nasty harsh sins which were committed
do you remember? the depression of blood stains
evil laughter's of comedy for the crime you did

well lets be reminded with chains in a firing pit
hearing you cry, trying to lie screaming ''i aint did shit''

while corpses swim up to your ankles from the lava
pulling you in deeper, as the skin melts but not your soul
they Fein for new flesh, to play with for ever
don't worry Danny you don't grow old, it never gets cold

sweating, get used to it while we throw darts at your head
tormenting your life like the others, except it's you instead

''he closes his eyes, attempting to wake up from this nightmare
.....clutching his fists
he slowly opens them, (Lucifer waves -Danny 'were right here')''

this isn't a dream boy, where's your valor
it's cowards like you in life i adore
what's wrong, your scared aren't you?
..........well your in hell kid
sorry to alarm you

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...947post4095947
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=277902

LOL @ the ending just gave me a laugh no hate would be fucked up if the devil said hey your in hell id be like LMAO FUCK You get a pitch fork and poke his ass lmao...


Well Thsi Peice Was Interesting-I Liked The Way You Wrote It Wasnt Boring Your Topic was Pretty Nice It Fit Your concept you was writing about.The Imaginary was pretty hot had me reading a wholes way threw didnt make me want to stop reading.
Vocab i dunno why noobs think you have to have complex vocab to make a hot topical but yeah you made it pretty even not flawed out or nothen.Structure Really doesnt matter just had to flow and it was pretty damn good yo.If I Didn't lose my topical Touch maybe we can collab but shit lol i got to see if i got Rust nice read need more stuff from people like this

-Rick Shaw

yeah thanks man this was actually the first Om that i actually wrote in a long time i usually hybernate in the poetic scriptures forum....i appreciate the feedback though ima try in get active in OM again

Lol.

I actually like this. Most Om`s these days are just to complex.
This was on a more personal tone.
I also liked the way you switched up the rhyme scheme. Most people these days think an OM isnt an OM unless its got an ABAB rhyme scheme..

Not bad.
Check out my peice with issue and johnny 6 feet

hehe, not bad piece, u got some creativity, and i also like if the verse isnt too complicated, since music is for listening and not thinking like a mad man to understand everything.

good job, didnt like the closure tho, and i could have made it a little bit longer
nice verse scheme also

good job

Nice stuff here Kaotic. This was really a nice piece, the rhyme scheme was nice and the vocabulary was good and you didn't over did it with vocabulary like most people. I liked this storyline very basic and complex, nice and a good short read. I liked how at the end you just were like, well...you'r in hell kid. You just like finished it fast and nice. However the title is quite played but you spiced it up a bit. Nice read, Peace.

Yeah KT this is how us members from WV spit man nice piece "I aint did shit" lol that was a lil funny picturing the face of the person who said that keep dropin this was a creative drop and not at all a bad read we should do that crew collab we was talking bout

werd thnx and uppin

Quote:

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The wind blows through the demons hair
as it seeks out prey above a rock on the cliff
silently groaning was his stomach of terror
awaiting a poor youth to stumble and slip

taking you to an eternity of torture and pain
suffering for nasty harsh sins which were committed
do you remember? the depression of blood stains
evil laughter's of comedy for the crime you did

---

lmmfao, ur choice of colors for the verse and title is hilarious, horrible mix. But check it. I absolutely loved the first two stanzas man. Your rhyme scheme was terrific, had a nice, steady on-going flow. I liked the rhymes you used to end each line, and the stanzas looked to have an 'A, B, A, B' flow if you will. I like your style of writing, your style and technique stick out alot, in a good way. I enjoy reading your archived peices that I haven't seen in a while, and those pieces brought me back to a good spot. Good read bro, and feel free to hit the links in my sig. Thanks man.

bump bump.

I like this a lot. This was a great story with excellent use of imagery, great strucure and flow. One of the best I've read so far.

Read mine:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=278657

uupin this for more fb!

uppin for great feedback!

Okes, I felt a comedic flow from this ... but on another note you switched the rhyme scheme up too many times to keep up with the flow of the writting itself. Like a standard poem would follow an A~B format... you went A~B~C~B then switched to A~B~A~C then switched it again.. that messes with the flow of things. Your vocab was decent and the story itself was awsome of course ;) I could have used more imagery. I hope you drop more OM's :D

the ending was awsome ;)

i thought this line started it out slow

"as it seeks out prey above a rock on the cliff"

but it picked up fast and got into some nice relegiouse content... quick write here, may have taken time*i dunno* but it was short and sweet. nice little twist at the end... a common one but flipped in a nice way...

Quote:

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fav lines

taking you to an eternity of torture and pain
suffering for nasty harsh sins which were committed
do you remember? the depression of blood stains
evil laughter's of comedy (for the crime you did) Iffy


while corpses swim up to your ankles from the lava
pulling you in deeper, as the skin melts but not your soul
they Fein for new flesh, to play with for ever
don't worry Danny you don't grow old, it never gets cold

sweating, get used to it while we throw darts at your head
tormenting your life like the others, except it's you instead

''he closes his eyes, attempting to wake up from this nightmare
.....clutching his fists
he slowly opens them, (Lucifer waves -Danny 'were right here')''

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all around good work here... nice views for such a small peice... but you got your context of your character a there and gave some good imagery to pull it through..

keep er up.

thanx man upp'n

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MCtrini

I like this a lot. This was a great story with excellent use of imagery, great strucure and flow. One of the best I've read so far.

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yeah this was a good peice I liked it aswell gj man.

bump.

bump...c'mon feedback please

You all are lame how is everyone gonna sleep on an Om....blah which instead they'll go reply to some newbs freestyle about peanut butter and jelly and how they get slapped around alot...bullshit

it was good but it seemed more like poetry then a rap to me....nice structure diff vocab ..keep written rhymes