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Beneath the Hardship
OFFSPRING of love divine, Humanity!
To who, his eldest born, the Eternal gave
Dominion over the heart; and taught to touch
Its varied stops in sweetest unison;
And strike the string that from a kindred breast
Responsive vibrates! from the noisy haunts...
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Of mercantile confusion, where the voice becomes a prayer,
It is over-heard from the blaring meretricious glare
Of crowded theatres, where in the cheerless place,
Sits Sensibility, our watery eyes meet numbers of unlightened faces,
Dropping over fancied woes her useless tear was still,
"Come here, sit and weep with me; our substantial ills;
Torn from their natal shore, and doomed to bear unloving weather,
The breeze was cool as the ocean, sand was light as feathers
Sustain. Nor vainly let our sorrowed blood flow and stain,
Nor let the strong emotion make us cry and rise in vain
But may the kind contagion widely spread throughout the part,
Till in its flame we see the prize, the unrelenting heart
One bright blaze of sparks, the core of universal love,
Gone in grateful incense, rises up to heaven above
Formed with the same capacity of pain, cuts cleanse with salty seas,
The same desire of pleasure, delight, joy, and of ease
Why feels not man for man? When nature shrinks we vanish,
If Mother Nature returns to our land, she will be immediatley bannished
From the slight puncture of an insect's sting, no more nightmares or crime,
Faints if not screened from sultry suns, medicine leaves and pines
Beneath the hardship of an hour's delay, we swim out to sea,
Of needful nutriment and relaxation; when liberty...
Is prized so dearly, that the slightest breath can shade the day,
That ruffles but her mantle, the people can now awake
To arms, unwarlike nations, that can begin the rain,
Confederate states to vindicate and indicate her torrid claims
Why shall the suffering man, follow his nearing doom,
To ills he mourns, or spurns at? flowers with stripes that bloom
His quivering flesh; with hunger and with thirst and drinks oil,
Waste his emaciate frame?............... in ceaseless toils
Exhaust his vital powers; and bind his limbs 'til they're warm,
In galling chains and shackles?, shall he whose fragile form
Demands continual blessings, to support the poor and rude,
Its complicated texture; air, water and the food
To ask those mercies, whilst his selfish aim of remorse,
Arrests the general freedom while their sleepin' during the force?
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Well, doing my solem duties as a mod' I stumbled across this as I was checking to see if you'd posted links. & I'm glad to say I did. You wrote a brilliant piece here Ben. You had a great emotive style to your writing which will captivate most people who read this. I was surprised at how well your mechanics were put together. Your multi's/internals flowed niceand never hindered your verse. The piece in itself was nice, however I did find you concentrated on everything else but "the point you was making". I felt a little confusion on your part, but your desription, comparisons and metaphors were great.
To arms, unwarlike nations, that can begin the rain,
Confederate states to vindicate and indicate her torrid claims
This was great. A joy to read somebody write this..
It may take different meanings for the both of us but this was so nice.
Props, man. Well worth the read and the nomination Ima give it.
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God damn... *Claps* That was pretty amazing man. Are you an alias or just a vet off some other site? You couldn't be new to topicals if you're pulling this kind of work off. Man, you're a nice addition to Rb's growing number of poetic writers. This piece was brilliant in the ways of metaphore... The imagery was just so emotion fueld in my eyes, like, you were explaining an image yet it apealed just as highly to the heart as anything else you know? Loved the flow on this peace, wasn't a usual bar to bar rhyme scheme, you stayed creative flowing the last lines rhyme through the begining of a new then bringing in a whole new rhyming pattern to switch it up and keep the piece ever interesting. Not only the flow of the words, but the flow of your content was very nice... Everything ran right into the next seamlessly. Overall this was a great piece, lines were alittle long but I think with the rhyming you incorperated the long lines were well supported well. Glad to have you on Rb man, hope to see more from you soon.
... It'd be apreciated it you could leave some feedback on my OM: "The Garden of Eden"
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Whoa, thanks alot mates. I'm looking forward to feedbacking your peice Mr. Atticus. Thanks to you and Brixton.
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nice dynamic type opening jumps out at me..
nice vocabs.. aliterations was cool... great emotion in this piece
story flows str8..............coo poetic qualities... flow is c sharp
concept runs deep.. worded on point..
structure could maybe touched up on a lil.. minor still that neway.. coz its all in place same way.. mettas was nice too... i like those..
yeah plenty of sicness here fosho
keep doing the same way
pz1
NiNjah
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Technically excellent. Great metre, rhyme, style, metaphors, etc.
However, I must confess that I couldn't relate to a lot of it because
I couldn't get the true meaning of most of the metaphors or see what they were referring to. Great work though.
Check out my work http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=277770
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Applauds...
Simply dope, I've watched you progress quitely while here on RB. It's nice to see you dropping at this caliber, very nice read indeed. When I seen your name, (the one I gave you) i decided to drop in and read. I must say, I was very impressed. Read yoru stuff before, but nothing as sound as this here. Abstract in ways, but damn, very well done. The only thing I would suggest is working on transitional schemes, you rhyems were damn good, but you could have made them even better. Just a few minor changes as far as the rhyme scheme goes and this would have been doper than it is now, and that's dope. Nice to see you nailing it down bro, keep up the great work. OM HoF for sure, thanks for posting...
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Gracias senor. I appreciate it dawg. now BOUNCE FOO! lol...
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"Of mercantile confusion, where the voice becomes a prayer,
It is over-heard from the blaring meretricious glare"
like the content here, interesting the word usage.
"Torn from their natal shore, and doomed to bear unloving weather,
The breeze was cool as the ocean, sand was light as feathers"
An extremely descriptive dope line...
I caught the image in my head instantly.
especially the " sand was light as a feather part.
You definitely know how to draw a picture with
words.
"One bright blaze of sparks, the core of universal love,
Gone in grateful incense, rises up to heaven above"
Original content...concept that of a fantasy very good
imagery so far.
"Exhaust his vital powers; and bind his limbs 'til they're warm,
In galling chains and shackles?, shall he whose fragile form"
Dope imagery again shackles and binding limbs
dope...your word selection helps your lines
out greatly. It helps bring across that great
imagery.
Very nice piece..
Felt it was Shakespearean in away.
Lovely word choice I must say..
Nice content , Metaphor and rhythmic scheme.
Definitely Stay dropping and I appreciate your
feed on mine.
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That was nice flow was good everything was on point nice vocab and wordplay... this is the first drop i've seen from you and you've mad a very go0d first impression. nice job papo
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WOW...i'm impressed, this bein da 1st thing i've read of urs...
Ur internal's/multi's were on point thru da whole entire piece, which is DEF rare in dis forum...PROPS on dat
Da imagery u created was amazing...i could actually "see" it in my mind...it's all gotta do wit ur vocab/word usage. Most people don't realize what an important part of dis it is
Ur emotion & technical's were def str8 thru da whole piece...
Da only thing i would probably suggest dat could improve dis already tyte piece would b better "transitions" from concept/line2line...i'm not sure if that made sense but i think u'll get it--wit an abstract topic/thought process, better transition would help not only ur flo (which was on point) but jus da piece's imagery in general
I'ma b lookin 4ward 2 seein' mo from u...keep postin! ~1
~LL
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gracias. i appreciate it babe.
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couple more replies, and thats it.
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